does anyone have any happy stories about 'difficult' kids getting easier?

[beclev24]

not sure if I'm posting this in the right place but we are struggling witth DS1 who is 8. He can be a really lovely quirky boy but is also very controlling and if things don't go his way gets in huge angry rages where he lashes out, destroys things in his room (his own stuff- eg breaks his lego creations etc) and is very rude to us. He fights with his 5 year old brother. We spend lots of one on one time with him, do all the strategies in the how to talk so kids will listen book (which do help) give him loads of time and attention plus firm boundaries etc so all hte stuff you are 'supposed' to do, but he just seems angry and resentful a lot of the time. when he is not in one of these moods he is polite, does well at school, curious and does lots of activities etc.

He sees a therapist but no diagnosable SN apparently according to her.

WE are so worried for him and exhausted dealing with him and its starting to scare his brother/ . Does anyone have any stories about kids who had a difficult phase which then got easier with time? I need some hope. thank you.

Is the therapist qualified to diagnose SN? Usually a child will be seen by a multidisciplinary team to assess this and it's quite a lengthy process. You might want to get a referral made to your local service via your GP or school for a proper assessment.

He sounds very similar to my 8yr old who was formally diagnosed with ASD last week - though my child is the same in school too. However, read up on masking and see if that rings any bells!

Is he interested in any sport or physical activity? It gave my difficult son an outlet (and lots of friends). Mine is now a very chilled young adult - they do grow up!

@nigelyerabawbag . thank you. we are abroad so the process is a bit different. Whenever I read thet diagnostic criteria for ASD it doesn't seem to quite fit him, but maybe he should have a separate assessment. Do you mind me asking a bit more about your DC? what kinds of things made you seek the assessment? anything else apart from the anger?

Me! Dd was a nightmare for years, horrific temper, stroppy, demanding etc I'm very patient but she really tested me at times and some days were just mentally exhausting. She was an angel everywhere else though, so it was hard to get help!
I dreaded the pre teen/teen years but she actually improved and has really been no bother for years now. She's 17 and has honestly been a really easy teen (mostly)
We now laugh about some of the awful things she did and she feels mortified that she was such a terror at times.

corona he just signed up for a sport which starts next week, so I'm hoping that will help. he was VERY unsporty when younger, but he seems to be getting into this one sport which I'm really glad aboutt.

It all definitely gets worse when he is having a hard time with friends at school. he does have a couple of friends, but i think they are quite fickle and he can be rigid and controlling about what he wants to play so I thitnk can often alienate people. when things aren't going well with friendships the home behaviour is definitely much worse

maxine oh thank you so so much- that is exactly the kind of story i was hoping to hear! can you give me any examples of things she used to do to tmake me feel better?

Our DS (now 10) used to get very frustrated. We gave him some anger strategies (deep breathing and counting to ten worked best for him). As he got older he developed better empathy and friendships and he saw for himself how his temper affected those around him and it did improve. Fundamentally though, we changed his school to one with a strong pastoral focus. His self esteem improved, along with his confidence and he is far more challenged in his learning by teachers who genuinely want him to achieve as much as he can.
Have you tried martial arts? The focus and self discipline required together with the release of tension is often a good call.
I hope you can find what works for him. We found that our sons anger was based in sadness (which I know isn’t always the case) and it broke my heart.

Following as he sounds a lot like my Ds2. He's currently being assessed for ASD but doesn't exactly fit the profile. Like yours he's quite controlling and can get angry, and struggles a but to maintain friendships - but behaves well in class and is very bright, and at a school with a lot of very challenging kids with limited English etc it seems he therefore is just seen as fine.

Your DS sounds like my DD - she was extremely difficult right up to the age of 16 years and then seemed to find herself. She is 23 now and has a good graduate job and lots of friends.

She also behaved well at school, but would explode when she got home. She was eventually diagnosed (age 17 years) with dyslexia and dyspraxia- she had managed to find strategies to compensate for her difficulties and was performing “well” but actually far below her ability. Now she’s an adult, she and I have also discussed whether she has ASD (she tells me that she scores highly on the Internet self tests) and she certainly has some traits.

We had a terrible time with our Ds at primary school because he was so unhappy there and school made little effort to meet his needs. He was frustrated and took it out at home, rudeness, throwing stuff, trashing etc. asd Ds aged 9
Since he started 2ndry he has changed so much, much calmer and amenable. He still has his moments but his ehcp is being implemented at school and he is generally much happier.
If you think he is sen please get a referral to a paediatrician ASAP so his needs can be catered for

@maxinespalour your post gives me hope! Dd who is nearly 6 has been so difficult the last 4 years. Stroppy, rude, epic tantrums, back chat, hitting out. She’s very bright and does well at school but her handle on her emotions is not great.

She is slowly slowly improving now but she always make me worried for the teenage years so fingers crossed the awful toddler=angel teenager will be true for us!

I don’t have a story where my dc improved. In fact when they reached early teens their behaviour was out of control and has got worse year on year.

BUT they were always difficult at school (your son is not) and they have complex emotional and behavioural difficulties diagnosed age 8 (your son doesn’t.) So I would say there is hope that he will improve as he matures.

My DD was a very strong willed and argumentative child. From about 5 she was so difficult , so nasty to her little brother, huge tantrums, giving her father the silent treatment for days on end. I really thought she had a mental illness , but at the time I was so scared of labeling her that I just kept dealing with it and didn't seek help.

She was like this until her mid teens. I thought I'd go mad , At high school she had a couple of really good teachers who mentored her, and she started working in a Chinese restaurant where she was introduced to hard work ! Gradually she changed into the person I know now.

She is now in her 30's, teaches gifted and talented children in a very swanky school, has a great reputation as an achiever. She and I get along wonderfully well - no hint of her old self at all.

Hang in there - things can change.

@CookieSwirlC I honestly think the pre puberty years were the worst! She only improved when she matured and as the years passed she became easier and easier.
She still has an awful temper but she can now control it and I actually envy her personality, she is very feisty and literally takes no shit from anyone. I'm a total pushover and put up with all kinds of nonsense from boys & friends at her age. So actually her personality as a younger child, as hard as it was at times, has made her the brilliant young woman she is today!

Thank you-
I know many people have it so much worse and I honestly don’t know how they cope. I am actually worried that he might have childhood depression as that can manifest as anger and he occasionally says stuff like I hate myself and I want to die. It’s desperately sad and worrying. But then most of the time he seems fine- lots of interests and not sad or hopeless in between these meltdowns.
I just want him to be happy and ok and for us to enjoy family life again

DS1 nearly broke me
He was a difficult baby and toddler.
He was a”handful” till he was about 9
We had a very tricky relationship
As a teen he was remarkably easy
He is a young adult now
He’s lush
We watched the rugby in a pub yesterday together
He chose to bring his girlfriend to watch the match with me and his dad
He has a cracking work ethic, cares for and adores his girlfriend
After everything the fact that we are so good together and that he is so lush makes me so proud and happy
I may also now be a bit moist of eye

Op it’s heatbreakingly tough though
Huge love and handholding

Get him into a yoga class or relaxation class

He needs to learn calming strategies rather than aggressive competitive sports

I’m another one who recognises my own DS in your description OP. He’s 8 and was diagnosed with ASD and ADHD last year. His presentation is also quite atypical and he’s mostly great at school.

Do you know how to go about pursuing an assessment where you are OP?

hobnobs that’s so lovely to hear. Your son sounds wonderful and gives me hope.”

greentulips I think something like that would be good for him. I’m reluctant to add one more thing as he activities 4 nights a week and I wonder if tiredness might be contributing to the problem (I know it’s not all of it as he was like this last year when he had only 1 activity) . His therapist teaches him some calming techniques but he can never do them in the moment

@mrsfrumble thanks- how did it manifest in your DS if you don’t mind me asking?

My ds sounds similar. Has to be in control, doesn’t like anything unexpected, doesn’t like being told what to do. He’s been lashing out at school and at home and I don’t know what to do either, I posted about it in behaviour this week. He’s only 5 though. He can be a lovely boy but you never know what’s going to set him off - this afternoon it was because I didn’t leave one of his lunch rolls in the packet til he was ready to eat it!

MrsFrumble, how did you go about getting a diagnosis? I’ve contacted the school’s cluster who’ve been to see us and says they’ll work with us once they’ve got the necessary clearance (in about May I think) but it sounds like they’re going to do a course with DP and me. Which might address some of the issues, I’m not claiming to be a perfect parent at all. But I was hoping they’d focus more on him and his behaviour... I’m waiting to see what will happen but if you, or anyone else, has any other advice I’d be very grateful.

Sorry if I’m hijacking the thread, didn’t get much of a response to my own .

Also good to hear the positive stories and I can actually see him turning it around. He can be brilliant.

DS1 (8) finds it hard to manage his emotions and is easily frustrated and can meltdown. It looks like he's strongly dyslexic, and I suspect more as he's very sensory (only wears shorts, fluffy jumpers etc), finds writing painful.

I am getting better at reading his emotions. He's fantastic at school, but can blow when he comes out of school, a common warning sign is shoulder barging his brother for no obvious reason. I now keep an emergency 150ml can of coke in his bag, so depite the journey being a few minutes walk, we can pause and he can get a dose of fluid and sugar to pep him up before his mood plummets. He is then diverted straight upstairs for a rest. I'll offer to read him stories, and more food and drink is offered. After half an hour or so, he resets. A vast improvement on the 4 hour meltdown last year where he was kicking at me and shouting and howling because I asked him if he'd changed his reading book.

He also needs regular exercise. Sometimes we've dropped him off with the other parent to walk home from a nearby village. Thrashing out on a tantrum gets him nowhere so he does end up having to use that energy to walk home which is calming on a pleasant route and tends to get home in a much nicer mood.

He's still the same child and whatever is underlying is still there and not diagnosed and I think there is something, but I am learning around his needs and triggers and diffusing better which is generally helping.

I’ve had my concerns since he was a toddler beclev24. His play was quite rigid and his speech was very advanced but with a quirky, rather formal pattern to it. He has very rigid ideas and gets very distressed if things aren’t exactly as he expected them to be. Controlling behaviour, which can make friendships difficult at school (which is heartbreaking because he’s very gregarious and sociable, but just doesn’t “get” that other kids might want to do their own thing), obsessive interests (he can monologue for ages on engineering or Lego). And then there’s the anger of course. One minute he’ll be playing happily with his Lego, and the next moment he’s screaming and throwing it across the room because it’s not going how he wants it to. He’s not really physically aggressive with other people, but the shouting, screaming and throwing are tiresome, upsetting and at times embarrassing. It’s becoming more noticeable as his peers mature and are better able to control their emotions, and DS is still just a raging storm.

The diagnosis has made life a little easier. School are being brilliant and are doing lots of work with him on social skills, emotional regulation and empathy. I was worried for years that DS is the way he is because we’re rubbish parents, but I know now that’s not true. It’s also hard to come to terms with the probability that he’ll always struggle a bit and won’t just “grow out of it” and will never be a model of calm reasonableness.

Hi Northern. On our case, school were concerned about his fussy eating, which they thought was a sign of sensory processing issues, and had noticed his very rigid behaviour (he was tearing pages out of workbooks and chucking them in the bin rather than admitting to making mistakes), so referred us to CAMHs who do autism
assessments in our area. We didn’t get referred for any parenting courses before that, but from reading the SN boards on here I think it’s a common hurdle.