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Original poster

Who’s the guardian to your kids in your will?

42 replies

Dollywilde · 15/03/2019 20:49

DH and are doing our wills this weekend.

Me: 1 sibling, living with her long term OH (2.5yr, not married) 45 mins from us. Same village as my parents. Mid 20s so a few years younger. No kids yet.

DH: no siblings. Mum lives 2 hours south from us. Has a big network of cousins living 2 hours north from us (so 2h 45m from my parents and nearly 5 from his mum). One cousin same age as us, well off, large house, already have kids.

He thinks his cousin would be best on account of already having children and wealth. I don’t think he understands importance of sibling relationship and keeping kid near gps. We see cousin 1/2 a year. We see my sister once a month. GPs variously ill or too old for us to name.

Any views? Obviously I sincerely hope it’s a hypothetical conversation but he thinks it’s wrong for me to auto assume it’s DSis. Who have you named in your will for guardianship?

OP posts:
Closetlibrarian · 15/03/2019 20:54

In your situation I'd put your sister down.

We have named DH's sister because she is the closest to us geographically (I have only one sibling, who lives overseas) and would offer the greatest stability/ continuity.

pastabest · 15/03/2019 20:57

Have any of the people you are discussing actually agreed to it?

puppymouse · 15/03/2019 20:58

Ours are DH's DB and DSiL. They live 10 miles from us so there's a chance DD could stay at same school, they have one DC and are generally brilliant. They don't have much money but my family would probably help and we have family cover in our life insurance so she gets a payout until a certain age I seem to remember. Plus DD would inherit everything.

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Thecatisboss · 15/03/2019 21:01

My sister is guardian to our dc, she's not too close geographically, but Skypes every weekend. We discounted both GPS due to illness and know that she'll make sure they keep in contact. DH siblings are nice but aren't good at keeping in touch so my sister knows them best. I'd ask your sister too.

MinnieMountain · 15/03/2019 21:19

MIL because DS knows her best. My DSis as backup as she has a DC 3 years older. BIL doesn't have DC yet.

We've also got life insurance which covers our mortgage, so DS would inherit that and guardian's financial position doesn't matter so much.

Redshoeblueshoe · 15/03/2019 21:28

I agree with pasta. Have you discussed it with them ?

TooMinty · 15/03/2019 21:32

We have my sister. My DH has no siblings. If it happened I would expect my sister to be the main carer but she would get lots of help from my parents, in-laws and extended family. No other grandchildren in the family.

AveEldon · 15/03/2019 21:33

Two things

  • guardianship is not set in stone. You can include your wishes but someone else may challenge and get guardianship or the courts may deem your chosen people unsuitable
  • guardianship doesn't necessarily mean the children will live with them

All our key people are overseas - so I have named one overseas person and one UK person. They are not family. Our nearest family who could cope/I would trust are on the other side of the world

Whatsnewpussyhat · 15/03/2019 21:33

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

MontyBowJangles · 15/03/2019 21:36

Speak to the people frankly first and find out their thoughts.

We recently did ours and were strongly advised to choose close blood relatives. So my half-sister (I don't have any whole siblings) agreed to be put down despite her being mid-fifties and a grandma! She lives in a one-off bungalow (we have two children) but I know she'd love them unconditionally and tell them amazing stories about us as they grew.

Original poster
Dollywilde · 15/03/2019 21:37

Haven’t asked anyone - don’t worry, we will :)

Just interested in what others would do in this situation.

OP posts:
Whatsnewpussyhat · 15/03/2019 21:38

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

ZigZagIntoTheBlue · 15/03/2019 21:38

My sister, dhs brother lives too far away and GPs would all be too old to want full time child rearing again!

Original poster
Dollywilde · 15/03/2019 21:39

When I say ‘doing our wills’ I mean having the chat Smile

OP posts:
TeenTimesTwo · 15/03/2019 21:40

We originally had DH's cousin as he had kids and we liked how they were being brought up. But he split from his wife and the kids got older so now we have a very trusted family friend. None of our siblings are suitable mainly due to age / time of life.

You can decide something now, and in 3 years time change your mind.

What you both have to remember is your DC will be traumatised by your death. So they will need someone who hopefully they are familiar with, who can put their considerable needs first whilst they themselves will probably be shocked and grieving too.

Presumably you both have life insurance? That can go in trust and be used to pay for upkeep so the person/people selected don't have to be wealthy.

MadameJosephine · 15/03/2019 21:40

I’m not with DD’s dad so if I died she’d go to him but if he’s already dead and she’s still a child then I’ve named her older brother as her legal guardian (she’s currently 6yo, he is 23)

Jenniferyellowcat · 15/03/2019 21:50

My parents, with my sister named as as ‘back up guardian’.

This is despite DH’s parents living in the next town. We spend half terms and holidays at my parents with my sister’s kids so they know them well, and they would bring them up how I want them to be brought up (no disrespect to MiL who is lovely but bonkers and also never in. FIL - just no). I know my family would ensure they had lots of access to my DH’s family because they are very family-minded.

For me there was no negotiation, and I am usually not dogmatic. My DH parents sent them to boarding school when little, albeit only briefly, and that alone was a No for me!

Spiderbanana · 15/03/2019 21:55

Ours was my DB but he now has 2 DCs so we have changed to DH's DS.

But we know our families will be flexible should anything happen to ensure that the DCs go where they can stay together and face the least disruption.

DH and I are from different countries and we live in a third so either way there would be a move for the kids.

Bouchie · 15/03/2019 22:00

Mine is my DSis. My mum is joint carer if still around. My sis knows how I would want my kids to be parented.

In all honesty though you have little say in how they are parented. My sister and I have very different ideas about bringing up kid. she is down as there guardian, and visa versa. we both dont rxpect each other to change parenting If she becomes their parent, she does it her way. you can't
expect someone to do it otherwise for potentially years on end.

blackcoffeeinbed · 15/03/2019 22:08

If I was in your position I would go with your sister. It would keep the children with someone they're familiar with and close to Gp's for support.

I often wonder what would happen with my children if something was to happen to me and their dad. I don't think we would have anyone who could have them, is an awful thought really.

dirtystinkyrats · 15/03/2019 22:20

We have named SIL but told her that doesn't mean she has to have the children stay with her if she thinks they would be better off with either set of grandparents, but that we would like her to make the call. Thinking being at least short term the kids would probably be better off with GPs but they may not be able to cope with them due to age/health etc.

BigGlasses · 15/03/2019 22:20

My kids have my sister if the worst happens. She is 200 miles away very local to my parents. Mil is close to us here but I suspect would move to stay with them. DJ had 3 bachelor brothers, and my brother is abroad. So my sister is best suited and is fine with it.
She is also down for my other nephews ( brothers kids) as although he is abroad he has no other option and he chose her over me as my parents are local to support.
Weirdly my sisters kids are apparently going to her friend who is 100 miles away from everyone and is rich. When her Will was written they were a lot closer and her friend was struggling to conceive so possibly made sense. I hope it has been changes now as they have grown apart, the friends dh has mental health problems, and also they have 3 kids of their own now. So I suspect this would be a case where family would hopefully be able to contest the will ( I must speak to her about it now that I think about it)

Crockof · 15/03/2019 22:27

My best friend is having mine, I have a life insurance in trust which gives all of our kids (hers and mine) 50k. Then another 200k to live on plus they will have our house and,, 1k a month from dh life insurance

skankingpiglet · 15/03/2019 22:36

I would also pick your sister in your situation (provided she agrees to it).

We have my Godparent as our first choice and DBIL as 2nd. I have no close blood relatives left (apart from my DCs). DH has 3 siblings, but all are very religious (we're atheists) and 2 would find taking our DCs on impossible due to their own circumstances. The 3rd sibling could do it but it would be a stretch. My Godparent has a very similar outlook on life as us (and is not religious, despite the title) and no children of their own. Our DCs would have a good life with them, and I know they would facilitate contact with DH's family. We are also well insured to cover the costs of supporting our DCs. We asked both choices if they were happy to be named. Godparent said yes before I'd even finished the question, DBIL had to think and come back to us.

Whenisitover · 15/03/2019 22:49

We have asked a close friend who is also a lawyer. Not to actually have DCs but to make the decisions if required. Things change and peoples situations change and we trust that our friend will make the right choices for the DC if this was ever needed