Really quick and stupid question over how best to phrase something!

[Catscratchclub]

Ds dad and I don’t get on so rarely text / communicate. He isn’t overly involved in Ds life so we won’t see him now till text month.

He offered me some money towards something for Ds and it would be reaaaaalllly useful if he sent it. He said he would transfer it on Sunday, I sent a text on Monday saying “think you might of forgot but I checked bank and money isn’t in” he replied that he hadn’t forgot, the transfer would be in on Tuesday. No guesses that it’s not in.

I hate having to ask him again as it’s a power thing on his behalf..... but the money would be SO useful.

How do I best phrase it without being overly nice or confrontational, or without giving him any satisfaction in me having to ask?!!

Tall order eh?! Thank you for any suggestions!

If it's a power thing, I wouldn't ask again. Take back the power. Can you manage without it?

It would make life really difficult not to have it, but I would sort of manage.

It’s for Ds birthday present - so not essential, but I’m prepared to forgo dignity to make him happy.

Does that make sense?!

Just realised it doesn’t make sense - I could scrape together and get Ds bits and pieces, but I want to get him the thing that he wants which will make him happy that his dad has said he will go halves on.

I’m prepared to forgo my dignity in asking him to make Ds happy.

Sorry, hope that’s clearer!

When is his birthday? Do you have time to wait? I wouldn't ask again until next week. If he's prepared to risk his son not having a gift for his birthday for the sake of feeling powerful, then he's a twat.

Yes. I totally get what you're saying. He's a spiteful shit, promising you it but not giving it. Especially if he's knows what it's for. I personally wouldn't give him the satisfaction, but I understand that you don't want DS to miss out.

He’s a giant twat who doesn’t really care about Ds feelings (god that’s shit to write down) we don’t really hear from him month to month between visits and I’m running out of time to order present.

He has just stopped paying school fees / maintenance, so money is a sore subject between us at the moment.

I should just let it go shouldn’t I? Ahhh fuck!

Aw what a prick.

If he's being a shit about money, do the CSA know he's stopped paying maintenance?

What about
I think there must be a glitch at your bank, as the money you've sent hasn't arrived yet. Can you check and let know what's happened?

Don't hold your breath for the money though, power mad men love nothing better than keeping you dangling on a rope then dropping you off the cliff!

Perhaps something like "just confirming if our original agreement to purchase X jointly for DS birthday. I'm sure he would be really happy if we did this, but we can make alternative arrangements if you prefer?"

Maybe .....?
‘Hi I need to order the gift so it’s here in time for DS birthday. Let me know if you can’t manage your half so I can manage birthday expectations thanks’

He’s outside the UK so sadly CSA have no jurisdiction and I haven’t got the emotional / financial resources to chase it through the European courts right now. It just seems one task too many when I can’t even get him to hand over birthday money!

I like that line Ada I’m not holding my breath and I hate myself for asking but I feel like I need to give it one more shot for Ds sake. Whilst mutter what a bastard he is under my breath as I type it!

Thank you

Ooh cross posts - I’ll mangle all those suggestions together. Thank you!

Oh just read your update. Go through govt service if in UK to get your maintenance, yes, you pay for the service, but on the plus side you get some money and Ex gets irritated! Win win!

I just saw your update. Would it be worth talking to DS in a child friendly way to tell him you know he wants X, but it's not possible at the moment? You could plan to set up a special savings account for him and ask other family to pay bits into it if they can?

Your ex sounds like a right prick to deprive his child solely to hurt you.

Tell him if he hasn't got enough money you are sure DS will be ok with smaller gifts from him.
Trying to think of something he'll want to prove you wrong about!

Pity he isn't in the UK! In the end though, he will reap what he sows.

I'd sell a kidney and buy the present myself rather than ask him again!

Seriously though. I've been in this situation and vowed to never give my ex the impression that I needed him for anything ( he never paid me a penny in child support). It was tough sometimes but I managed.

No don’t ask!

I’ve just sent “just confirming you are still okay to go ahead with halving birthday costs? I know you said money would be in account on Tuesday so not sure if there’s been a bank glitch and I’d like to manage Ds expectations if there’s an issue”

Gahhhh! I’m literally holding my breath. I hate this so much!

Curbsids Ds is a brill kid (I know they al are, but I’m biased!) he would understand if I explained, but I really want to pull it out the bag for him if I can. He has had a shitty time lately and has been so understanding about having to change schools / not have same experiences as his friends. I just want him to have this one thing if I can.

His dads outside the UK so government services won’t get involved - I was told I had to pursue it through European family court. Which sounds scary and expensive enough to put me off for now 😬😫

Or you could go passive aggressive and text

' sorry that you are struggling with finances- don't worry about the money, I'll buy the present myself '

Oh arse, cross posted with those saying don’t ask! It’s too late!

Fuck it, my dignity went long ago - will be worth it if Ds gets birthday he wants. God I hate him tonight!

That’s a really good response if he replies and says no or ignores me, thank you oddcat I feel better for having a response up my sleeve!

Fingers crossed for you and your DS 🤞

We have potentially been blocked (again) as it’s showing as undelivered with no profile photo, I risked calling and it’s doing that 1 ring and cut off thing.

This wouldn’t be the first time we had been blocked. Hey ho. At least I tried. I am sure he will resurface at some point.

Thank you everyone for your help

It's shit isn't it Catscratchclub ?

My dd has just turned 21 so I've had years of it. Oddly enough her dad suggested we go halves on a present for her 21st and then started the usual ' you buy it and I'll pay you later ' rubbish

I told him that I would get my own present.

He looked all smug when dd opened the earrings he'd bought her until I gave her my present which was a 5 day trip to New York!

I'll be paying off the credit card bill for ages but it was so worth it.