Chosen to stop at one child. Ok when you and they are older?

[wellly]

We have one dc who is 7. I thought we would have 2 kids but I've never really had the urge for a second. I kept hoping it might kick in as they got older. I'm now almost too old to change this and I am wobbling but dc seems very happy, we are very happy .. I think I am struggling with confidence in my decision because of what may lie ahead. Will it be harder to have an only when they are older or easier? At the moment it's fine.. we have lots of friends over dc is happy and never lonely. We have plenty of money, can do what we want, can have nice days out..

Will I look back when I am 50 and think why didn't I try for another, will I look at my dc and feel sad that they will never be an uncle or aunt? Will I worry about them being alone in the world when we pass?
Am I missing something? I wish something had kicked in to make me want another but it hasn't. Dh feels the same. He thinks he might be a bit sad in the future if we didn't have another but he is quite happy as we are

Any mums of onlies by choice who are a bit older and can advise me?

I can't advise as a mom but can as an only child myself. All the burden of ill health, grandparents deaths etc falls on me every single time. I don't plan on expecting anything from my kids but I'm glad they've got each other for that alone.

As Annie said. I have an only DD, who is an adult. I have made sure she has a close connection with her many cousins, because she will have to deal with elderly parents alone.

Apart from that, she loves being an only child and we have great times together and have been able to help her out a bit more at uni than we might have been able to if we had more than one.

My DD is nearly 20 never had the slightest inclination to have another she’s happy too

Mum of a planned only (DD8), and I’m nearly 50 already!

First of all, I can add that I was one of three kids and my sibs have been singularly unhelpful in looking after our parents and grandparents. In fact it would have been easier for me to be a singleton than have to put every decision in front of them. I could have just done it myself more quickly and with far less stress. Siblings are no guarantee of support.

I think you need to be clear on your decisions- looking back with regrets sounds like a waste of time and energy (and a bit sad for your kid). Have you thought of having 1-2 counselling sessions now? Then make your decision and get back to enjoying the family you have.

It’s not as easy as ‘double the children, double the joy’. You risk messing with the things that are working for your family unit. Lots of things need to considered- your health, any new baby’s health, family finances.

I can say that personally one child works for us, and she’ll always have friends (and extra inheritance!) to help her through our old age. She’s forming a tight ‘tribe’ even now. I have not a single regret, and love being able to watch her grow with no distractions. I never feel that she or I have been ‘hard done by’ by fate. I guess you never miss what you’ve never had.

For you the trick might be to work on gratitude and regret concepts, to stop them harming your peace of mind, rather than worrying about babies?

I am an only child. I gained a step sister in adulthood and am very close with her, but I think I am still an only child in many respects.

I sometimes asked for a sibling when I was a child (didn't know my parents were suffering recurrent losses) but can't remember actually ever being jealous or really wanting one. I have cousins I am close with (the closest being 7 years older or 6 years younger), have always had and made friends easily despite being a fairly anxious and shy child, and got 1-1 time with each of my parents often during my childhood which I've always really valued (something DP, with a brother and 4 step siblings, never got). Also I've been known as "auntie" to friends children, cousins children, 2nd cousins children since I was a child myself, so never felt that 'loss'.

Advice for you, OP, would be not to disrupt your life if you're happy with it how it is. as PP suggested, perhaps a couple of counselling sessions to unearth a bit more about how you feel?

A friend of mine made this choice and has regularly told me that she regretted it over the years. She was sterilized when her daughter was 3 but looking back she feels that it was an impulsive decision. Not everyone will feel this way though.

Another only child here who craved a sister.
I had all the responsibility of dealing with mum with dementia and elderly, childless aunt also with dementia
I had my grown up children to help me So wasnt all bad but if I hadn’t ...it wouldn’t have been very nice.
I made sure I didn’t just have one child.

I am an only child and have one DD aged 8. I'm almost at the end of my forties. It took us some time to have our DD due to fertility issues but I'm so grateful we have her. I can honestly say that I didn't have a massive desire to try for more even though others suggested we should. We are quite happy as we are. She has lots of friends and sees her cousins. I don't worry about the old age concerns. Having siblings doesn't guarantee they will help with elderly parents - I know many who don't. If you are happy with your life as you are then don't change it. I don't worry about dealing with elderly parents - there are many ways which don't involve family at all when it comes to getting support if needed in that area.

I'm an only child and just had my first, who will be an only too. I was never especially keen on having siblings when I was young, and now I'm an adult it's not an issue. I'm not close to my cousins but I do have plenty of friends, despite being quite quiet and very shy when I was in school.

Of course my parents' care will fall to me - I wouldn't expect anything else. My dad has a brother but he's lived abroad since his early 20s, so my dad is entirely responsible for his elderly mother. Having siblings is no guarantee you'll have help.

I've got an only who is 20, off at uni ... she seems very good at making (and keeping) friends, I don't think she'll ever be 'alone'.

Siblings can be good, bad or indifferent. I've got brothers who are fine, but they live in other parts of the country so we barely see them, and one of them borrowed money off DM so was more a cause of problems in her old age than a sharer of them. DH and I have no intention of being a 'burden' on our DD ... and financially, that's probably easier because we only had her.

In your situation, it's sounds like you're all fine and happy as you are.

I’m 46 with a 6 year old. By choice. And I was never going to have a second child I didn’t want in case I regretted not having one later. I think that would be quite mad.

In my experience care tends to fall on one member of the family anyway. There are exceptions but generally it lands on the eldest/female or person nearest to the parent(s). My parents aren't elderly but I've been a carer twice now for two family members and I was grateful that I didn't have to be resentful that my siblings weren't helping out because I'd find it much more difficult to have someone who could help but chose not to. Also having worked in care families often have very different ideas about what to do and that can be another battle to fight.

I'm also content that I don't have a sibling because I have seen so many families tear each other apart after the death of a parent, including leaving everything to one person but still wanting the benefits without the work, two colluding to deprive one of a lot of money and recently all out war over the terms of the will. Of course some come together and support each other but in my experience it's also very common for them to fight amongst themselves.

Personally I love being an only child. I've loved it all my life and the older I get the more I love it. I often think that sibling relationships are romanticised. You could 'give'your child a sibling and they could be best friends, mortal enemies(I've known a man who was murdered by his brother)or more likely in something inbetween. There are many positive relationships, there are also many negative relationships. You cannot guarantee anything by 'giving' them a sibling. You should make the decision based on what you want because as I said there are no guarantees and it'll have a bigger impact on you than anyone.

We had given up on a second child but I really did want first DC to have a sibling. It's hard work but I see them play together and I'm glad it happened. Siblings are important IMO

I am 60 & have no regrets at all about having an only child. He is confident, out going & has a wide circle of friends, different ‘groups’ of friends.
Both my DH & I have siblings but we are not at all close as others have said there are no guarantees that siblings will get on with each other.

I have an only, she's 9. Tried for many years for a sibling but no luck and I'm at peace with it now.
Family life is very calm and easy with one. No financial pressure.
I have a brother but we're not close so I don't feel she is missing out on much. DH has four brothers, they were feral growing up, poor, barely supervised and always fighting (physically). Needless to say, DH is happy to have just one nice quiet daughter.

Yes I love the peace too. Lots of positives to having just the one!

My mum found her sister a complete and utter pain in the arse when my nana was in her final years. Didn’t help in any practical or any emotional way just interfered and caused problems with the nursing staff. Having a sibling is no guarantee of support.

I have one DS who is 10 and I do understand your concerns but there’s little point worrying. I don’t think it would ever be a good idea to create another human solely to act as a support system for current dc.

All the burden of ill health, grandparents deaths etc falls on me every single time but, you can choose how to react to your burden.
As Girlzroolz and other posters state, siblings tend to disagree on care options for elderly parents or opt out of the caring options and leave the responsibilities to one, primary sibling.
I know two ‘onlies’ who have recently become independent, successful and altogether great young people. I am certain neither of them feel they have missed out by not having a sibling.

AnnieOH1 my sister lives in another country and I have this responsibility without being an only child! Except in a way worse because I’m answerable to another person who can’t help but has opinions on whether I’m doing the right thing!

So glad I’m an only child. In my experience siblings are competitive and one always feels shit compared to the other who has done better in life. Plus you have to share your parents’ time and resources. Mine spent a lot of time with me and I had holidays and clothes and treats, and when I grew up they helped me to buy a house. So I have a nice home and can SAH for a while because we don’t have a huge mortgage. That has made a massive difference to my quality of life and wouldn’t be the case if I’d had to share with siblings.

An only child can still be an uncle or aunt if they marry someone who has siblings. Not that it matters. I have enough with my own DC without bothering with someone else’s.

"In my experience care tends to fall on one member of the family anyway"

Yes, that's true in my experience too. I only know one family where care of elderly parents was genuinely shared between siblings (and there, the two daughters shared responsibility and the third - male - sibling did sod all).

Loads of great reasons to have more than one child but I've never been convinced that "more people to look after me in my old age" is a good one. Heck, "someone to look after me in my old age" is a shit reason to have kids full stop.

I am in the same boat as OP and thinking whether I should have another. Most mums I know don't consider this a question and go straight for another like it's the only way to be, even though they tired/ miss their old life/ struggling financially. So it makes me wonder whether our family is normal with only 1. She is only 3,5, so we could still potentially have another.
From my own experience, I have a brother. Life happened in the way that we didn't see each other that much at all since I was 17 and he 15. We always fought being children and now chat occasionally but don't have a lot to say to each other. We live in different countries. I do still worry about him and hope everything is well and it's really weird to fit this worrying about someone who is almost a stranger into my own life full of things to worry about.
I must say, now that my dc is getting older, we are starting to "have our lives back" with better sleep and her being a lot more independent. DH doesn't really want another, so as DD, she is not bothered about having a sibling. We are happy as a family and having another may change that.
Having a sibling does not guarantee a friend for life and a support, those who have it are lucky, but you could also get 2 children who forever fight and compete and that could suck all the joy out of the family life.

I'm an only child. DS (7) will also be an only child. Everyone is very happy about this.

My mum is one of four and her siblings have been fuck all help when dealing with elderly and dying parents.

If that is your main concern for having an “only” I’d recommend writing yourself a stern letter telling yourself when you are 75+ to give up driving, accept that you need to pay for a cleaner/ home help/ Tesco delivery. It would also help if you moved into a residential flat when too old to live in a 5 bed house and expect your child to arrangevor do maintenance etc. too! Basically my mums siblings were no help, but my granny could have made life a lot easier for my mum if she’d accepted that she was 87 not 67!

In my experience care tends to fall on one member of the family anyway

I came here to say this too.

I only have one child and only will have the one, although it's different because he has an older half brother. The bond they have is beautiful and I'm so glad they have each other, BUT if my husband hadn't already had an older child, I still would have stopped at one. I always wanted more but now that he's here (he is 2 and adopted) he is my everything and I have no desire to have another at all.