Funeral today has made me think about my (difficult) mother’s funeral one day in the future

[NoPointWishingCantChangePast]

Name changed as potentially very outing.

Been to the funeral today of an old friend/neighbour. A very kind, strong, brave lady who lived life to the full and was very, very loved. She loved her family and friends in a unique way. A very special person indeed. I was honoured and privileged to know her. So I’m feeling quite emotional and inevitably it got me thinking about my mother (similar age) and our relationship, which has always been tricky.

As a child I would always wish I could have a different mum and used to pray at night that my friend’s mum could be my new mum. I was never neglected or abused, I just wasn’t loved. I was an inconvenience and always made to feel so. I’m also an only child. My dad left decades ago never to be seen again. Don’t blame him really.

I have a good life now. I studied hard and have a good job, an amazing husband and wonderful children, and lovely friends. My friends are my family I suppose.

In fact it’s only been since becoming a mum that I’ve realised how lacking my childhood was. At the time I knew no different. But I’m 50 now and there’s still no love, warmth or affection. I struggle buying greetings cards for my mother as most of them are so warm, loving and grateful. I tend to search for blank ones, which is surprisingly difficult.

So forgive me for posting this but I can’t really say these words out loud in real life. But if my mum dies before me then I would really really struggle to find nice things to say about her at her funeral. She paid for me to have food, clothes and a roof above my head, but in my Christmas stocking would be school uniform and she never once said she loved/loves me. We would never hug or kiss, see each other rarely despite being geographically close, and I know now it’s not me as she’s exactly the same with my DCs.

I’m sorry I’m gabbling.

I hope this makes sense.

Thank you for reading.

She may not want a funeral but a direct cremation instead. No service or people present.

OP - I know someone who had exactly the same situation with her 'D'F. She was dreading the funeral, but the vicar spoke at the funeral and managed the situation perfectly. He did not embellish or minimise the situation, but his words were just right. No-one in the family spoke, not any of the children or his wife. In fact no-one else except for DiLs and SiLs attended the funeral.

I understand where you are coming from but you don't have to speak, you don't even have to have a funeral if you don't want to. But if you do the minister can speak on your behalf or other friends etc. My Uncle has decided he just wants his body sent to the funeral home briefly before being shipped to the crem, turned to dust and scattered in the Isle of Man basically (where he is from) and thats that.

I can see no service might seem odd to most but Funerals are really for the living not the dead in my view so you can do as you please and have one or not, speak or not or do something else.

I could have written this myself OP, right down to the Mothers Day cards.
When the time comes, you may receive sympathy cards from people who cared about your mum and you may be able to take elements from them to put together some nice words.
You could also make it more of a biography about her life and interests.
If you’re having a religious or non ceremony, whoever is leading it will be very used to this kind of situation and be able to help you put something words together.
Or you may just use some music that she liked.

I worry about the grief I will feel over my mothers death which will be misplaced as it will be the loss of the mother I never had. And no one will understand that as everyone knows we aren’t close so will probably not expect me to grieve.

Hopefully when the time comes you will find your way through it.

As others have said, if you feel you should organise a 'proper' funeral then there is a fairly standard format which can be used. A Eulogy can be read by the minister and need only be a factual outline of her life and what she did - or don't have one at all.
I had a similar childhood and although things improved a little in later years after I left home, my relationship with my Mother was more one of duty rather than love.

I understand completely.

The only affection and sense of worth I got as a child was from my beloved dad.

We lost him 5 years ago.

His funeral was packed, so many people said such wonderful things and I grieved for the loss of a wonderful parent.

I have no idea how I will feel when my mothers time comes. I don't love her. I do what I do out of love for my dad and his memory.

No advice, just lots of empathy x

Theboldandthebeautiful1

Thank you for putting it more succinctly than I could. to you too.

I try to be the best mum I can. I have no role models to draw from so am constantly winging it.

67chevvy I don’t like my mum. I’ve never said that out loud.

This was something I was struggling with when my mum died. Then we had a meeting with the vicar, who was going to do the service, and he asked us to tell him about mum. So we told him all about her quirks and interests, skirting around the fact that she was a chilly and difficult old baggage. He listened and after a few minutes said "I notice none of you have said what she was like as a mother, please don't be offended or feel embarrased, I just don't want to say anything that isn't true at the funeral. Was she a good mum? " We all looked at each other and said "no!" almost in unison.

So, he talked about her strength of character and her intelligence and put a funny spin on her quirks and I finished up with a poem.

It worked for us, it was honest without being too honest. Not sure if we were just really lucky with our vicar though.

In the end, we all realised that we grieving for the mother we wished we'd had.

MorvaanReed thank you for such an honest and refreshing reply.

You don't have to speak, the person doing the service will be able to manage with whatever is given to them.

I'm the same when it comes to cards, she's pretty much the same with me. It's just duty.

Its a hard thing to admit isn't it? 💐

I had the same experience as MorvaanReed . My mother was an awful mother . When she died we got a celebrant to do the speaking at her funeral - we wrote down a little story of her life and he made it into an honest description of someone who'd lived through many interesting times, and had been a strong person. We sang "All things bright and beautiful" and the celebrant read a little poem about the cycle of life.

There is never any need to say anything you don't feel comfortable with - funerals don't have to be full of "saying nice things about the person". You'll be fine when it happens.

I had almost nothing nice to say about my mother beyond ‘she paid for a good school and it’s wasnt her fault that she was the way she was’. That’s literally all I can think of. But other people seemed to know a different version of her who was kind and pleasant to be around. I wasn’t at her funeral and thankfully a close friend of hers sorted out her headstone inscription. You aren’t obliged to publicly grieve if you don’t want to.

I wrote the eulogy for my dad.
I read a poem.
I wont be doing that for mum.

I have a very distant mother who now lives on the other side of the world and is not in contact with me. I don't think I'll even be told if she dies. Most of what you have said OP resonates with me. Looking back I suspect my mother is on the autistic spectrum and I think she did the best she could. But we just didn't gel.

I totally understand where you are.

I’m 38 and have a terribly emotionally abusive and manipulative mother. She is now terminally ill in a hospice and I visit her most days. The whole situation has been a massive head fuck for me, I feel sad I’m never going to have the kind of mum I wanted to have, I feel angry, I feel sad because she’s my mum. All sort of mixed up.

There will be no funeral. No one would come except me and my dh and kids anyway. She has no one else - no dh and no relatives and I’m an only child. We will be doing a direct no service cremation and then I will put her ashes somewhere just me and the kids and dh.

I don’t expect many people close to me will understand, people just seem to think it’s odd but who cares. It’s my mum and my relationship with her.

Fairylea💐 I've come across some of your previous posts. Wishing you strength.

Will there be anyone apart from family eho might want to go to a funeral? If it's just you, you can do a direct cremation, or whatever you want. What's she going to do about it?

I had a similarly awful mother. My DF organised a priest from his faith, not hers, but who he'd seen do another funeral and been impressed by. She was a frightfully nice lady, who listened to us both and managed to put together a eulogy that didn't make her sound like Satan or Mother Theresa. It was a fairly quick service at the crematorium. DF invited his friends - as she didn't have any and there was a buffet afterwards. There was no family. The people that came said things like 'it was a blessed release for your father' and 'we came to show our respect for your father.' No one cried. She has an unmarked grave.

MIL has organise, and paid for, her own funeral already. Which is going to be lovely because it'll be what she wants. Whereas for my mother we just did what we felt comfortable with.

Thank you Lisette

I feel sorry for anyone with a parent like this, it really is so upsetting and difficult.

I have happy memories of lovely grandparents and they often patented me and showered me with love. I kind of trace my parenting to them. You almost have to reparent yourself.

I'm always struck by how many people have had such experiences in these threads. I often feel like I'm only one of few but clearly not.

I have this situation with a close relative.

They have been seriously ill, enough for their survival to be in question.

The realisation of this fact, plus the realisation that their death would not impact me from a serious grief perspective made me feel defective somehow, and I was afraid to post about it because I didn't think people with strong bonds with the same kind of relative would understand

You see it sometimes on here

"You're lucky you have a"

"I'd do anything to get mine back"

They never think before judging that though their relative lit up their life, the other poster could have suffered serious abuse.

I know exactly what your saying is my point, down to my fears I'll have to lie or concur with positive narratives about them when/ if the time comes

I think I must have written this post whilst sleep walking, right down to the admission you don't like your mum. Except mine did die last year, and I too agonised over what to do at the funeral. In the end I wrote a eulogy acknowledging that my mother was an unhappy person, who sadly made everything negative, and that those of us she left behind should seize this opportunity to ensure we lived life to the fullest and made sure we told the people we live how we feel.

I got several compliments from people who were there for having navigated the tricky matter of not being able to find anything nice to say. None of them disagreed with me.

Thank you for your replies. I don’t have time to respond individually at the moment but I’m sorry so many of us are or have been in similar situations.