Funeral today has made me think about my (difficult) mother’s funeral one day in the future

[NoPointWishingCantChangePast]

Name changed as potentially very outing.

Been to the funeral today of an old friend/neighbour. A very kind, strong, brave lady who lived life to the full and was very, very loved. She loved her family and friends in a unique way. A very special person indeed. I was honoured and privileged to know her. So I’m feeling quite emotional and inevitably it got me thinking about my mother (similar age) and our relationship, which has always been tricky.

As a child I would always wish I could have a different mum and used to pray at night that my friend’s mum could be my new mum. I was never neglected or abused, I just wasn’t loved. I was an inconvenience and always made to feel so. I’m also an only child. My dad left decades ago never to be seen again. Don’t blame him really.

I have a good life now. I studied hard and have a good job, an amazing husband and wonderful children, and lovely friends. My friends are my family I suppose.

In fact it’s only been since becoming a mum that I’ve realised how lacking my childhood was. At the time I knew no different. But I’m 50 now and there’s still no love, warmth or affection. I struggle buying greetings cards for my mother as most of them are so warm, loving and grateful. I tend to search for blank ones, which is surprisingly difficult.

So forgive me for posting this but I can’t really say these words out loud in real life. But if my mum dies before me then I would really really struggle to find nice things to say about her at her funeral. She paid for me to have food, clothes and a roof above my head, but in my Christmas stocking would be school uniform and she never once said she loved/loves me. We would never hug or kiss, see each other rarely despite being geographically close, and I know now it’s not me as she’s exactly the same with my DCs.

I’m sorry I’m gabbling.

I hope this makes sense.

Thank you for reading.

@NoPointWishingCantChangePast Honesty and some fairly dark humour got us through. I lived closest to the funeral directors, but didn't have a car at the time, so took mum's urn home in the bus. They packed the urn in a cardboard box that reminded me faintly of a take out container. That led to some cathartic, but highly inappropriate laughter when I handed her over to my brother.

Similar situation with my father (but I did not even attend his funeral- kids were a great excuse!).

Apparently his eulogy was very factual- including having not seen his kids in yyyyy years.
His headstone has Fred Peter Smith, DOB, DOD and RIP....could not go for gushing shite as it was nonsense and we children paid for the headstone, so it was as cheap as possible.

You dont have to speak at a funeral though. I adored my Dad, we had a very close relationship but I didn't speak at his funeral. I couldn't have. It was enough of a struggle to get through the day.

When the time comes no-one will think.anything of it if you don't speak

Funerals are for the benefit of the living. I think direct cremations are going to become more and more normal and popular, in the coming years. And that's a good thing. It's certainly what I want for myself.

Indeed babyfoal
Mine is all sorted. Funerals are a ridiculous waste of money. I want people to appreciate to me when I am alive, not at some public grief fest.

to all of you who have, or had, cold, unloving mothers.
It's so very sad, and would seem to be a lot more common than is generally acknowledged.

OP, I could have written your post. I too had the same sort of childhood, but I suppose I did suffer some neglect to a degree as our house was squalid. I actually haven't spoken to my mum for nearly 4 years now. Our relationship completely broke down after my gran (her mother) was diagnosed with vascular dementia and we all had to make some difficult decisions. Hard times tend to make or break a family and our relationship was just too fragile to withstand that. I too worry about funerals and how I would cope with that. You are not alone

You don’t have to go to her funeral. I sat in the car with my Mam in the car park of the church her father’s funeral was being held in. We decided not to go inside but she wanted to make sure he was gone.

The priest talked about his time in the navy and that he had rescued two men at once from drowning in the sea and of his physical strength. They didn’t talk about him being a good father or husband because he hadn’t been.

I would advise not saying anything that you know to be untrue/unrealistic. I had to go to a family funeral for a domineering woman, who was well known for poking her nose into everyone's affairs, demanding people do things her way and giving people stuff that they didn't want or need despite requests to refrain. She was nc with lots of her family.

At the funeral her eldest child delivered a eulogy which bore no relation to their mother. It contained lines like "she was always willing to share her knowledge which was widely welcomed". The eye rolling amongst the congregation was palpable and there was much discussion afterwards about whether people had been at the right funeral.

It would have been so much better to focus on other things rather than trying to portray her as something she wasn't.

NoPointWishingCantChangePast So sorry you find yourself in this situation, lots of us have been there. My mother died not long ago and I was tying myself up in knots worrying about the words at her service. We had a celebrant and I explained the scenario to her. She was brilliant, and found exactly the right words - concentrating on facts and the things my mother enjoyed, it was perfect without being disrespectful.

You don't need to speak (perfectly normal) and if you explain the situation to the celebrant/vicar, I'm sure they will be able to find the right balance. Some for you finding yourself in this horrible club.

like Morvaan, I was unable to think of a nice thing to say at my mother's funeral. I didn't feel that it was the time and place to stand up and be honest, though..... My husband was brilliant. He started out with "X was a force...." and spoke of her forceful nature which implied her belligerence without actually spelling it out. He joked about how she put the fear of god into people without actually letting people know that it was completely true, etc.... If you didn't know better, you would have thought it was affectionate. (It really wasn't - he hated her too. Rather clever, isn't he?). There are ways around it. You might not be the right person to do the talking though.