My toddler really doesn’t like me ;(

[Bee199]

Hello all.
This is so hard to write and I’m in tears as I’m doing so. My DD is 19 months old and I am at my wits end ;(

I had/have PND and when she was born, she had a CMPA which went undiagnosed for 4 months, so she basically spent the first 16 weeks of her life screaming at me and it was awful. We also moved out of our hometown when she was 8 weeks old and my Fiancé has basically worked away Monday to Friday since then so it’s been so hard and I’m sure this has all attributed to our poor relationship.

She never comes to me when she’s hurt, she actively kicks and arches her back to get away from me if I pick her up so I don’t now. Today she got so bad that I had to basically go upstairs because she was head butting the floor, the tv table, the sink, basically anything she was in the vicinity of!

She will follow me around and just scream at me for what appears to be no reason, literally just ask her to move away from in between me and the kitchen side so I can do her lunch etc and she goes mental. She constantly screams at me and is very rarely like that when her dad is home at the weekends. She makes me so angry sometimes that I shout at her and then feel like crap but then she will just do it again and I’ll get annoyed with her again, it’s a vicious circle. She hates having her nappy changed (and has done for months) and it’s so frustrating trying to hold down and screaming, bucking toddler and not getting covered in poo! Every time just ends in her smacking her head repeatedly on the changing table and me screaming at her, it’s just horrible.

I feel like we just haven’t bonded, there isn’t a single time where I can honestly say that I felt she needed me or wanted to be near me and it’s ripping me apart and i feel like I’m beginning to zone out from her. She’s never been a cuddly baby but has given her Nan and great man cuddles every time they’ve visited.

I’m just really tired and I’m convinced now that we just won’t be close. Me and my own mum have never gotten on and it just feels like me and DD will end up the same way.

I’m just heartbroken and I don’t know what to do anymore

It sounds like you have had a really rough time of it and could do with a break tbh.
All i can suggest is try to put her somewhere safe (cot?) When you feel youre getting to the end of your tether and step outside for a minute to calm down and then try again. I know ive had to do it alot and DD has always responded better once im calm. You need to look after yourself so you can look after your DD
Hopefully someone will have some slightly more helpful advise.
I really hope things start to get better for you

Also im sure she absolutely loves you, she just has a funny way of showing it

She does like you. She loves you. You are the world to her. The reason she follows you is that she wants a hug. I’m sorry you feel this was but I promise that she does like you.

It sounds like she has attachment difficulties (also known as developmental trauma) the National Association of Therapeutic Parents can help, they have some members who have had PND which has affected their children's attachment like this
www.naotp.com/

You've had such a rough start with your DD, and are now on your own all week dealing with a tantruming toddler. Thats hard work! This is a difficult age where your DD is exerting her emotions big time. My youngest is the same age and refuses to get his nappy changed, getting in the car seat is near to impossible and has started to slap and lie on the floor kicking and screaming. Arches his back when you try to hold him etc. I guess I'm trying to reassure you that some of it is 'normal' behaviour for a strong willed toddler. Are you able to get out with your DD? That can sometimes help to distract you both. For nappy changes I've resorted to using my phone for 2 mins to have some daft nursery rhyme on youtube playing. For getting in car seat or buggy I like an idiot saying loudly "oooh look over there at that... bird/car/dog" repeatedly. It's so so hard but try not to shout, you'll just raise the stress levels for you both. Is she like this all day?

She does love you!!! She probably just senses you are tense and plays up. The other people in her life aren't there 24/7 so it's not relentless for them and they are novelty for her. Toddlers are really hard and we all loose our cool sometimes. They push boundaries so much, and don't start me on the nappy thing I'm sure it's not history repeating itself. I would definitely try and get some help tho. It cannot be good to be doing as much by yourself. I always think I'd be a much better parent if I was away from them more!!!

Awh I'm positive she doesn't hate you!! You described some of my DDs (15m) behaviour (not wanted to be picked up, nappy change nightmare, just shouting at me all day for no apparent reason) and I have never considered it abnormal. It's fucking exhausting and a nightmare but I've just assumed normal toddler behaviour.

Sounds like you need a break. Sending hugs I know it's so hard, some days I feel like giving up.

This really sounds like my DS, also 19 months. He had undiagnosed CMPA too and screamed for months on end, didn't want to be held/comforted at all, which was rough. He also has days where he screams at me a lot but I just think maybe that's because he doesn't know how to show much physical affection because he was so used to not being comforted in the early days. I kind of try to kill it with love and patience to be honest (easier said than done sometimes).

Your baby does love you and need you, without a doubt. It is really tough but it will get better.
Do you have any parenting 'space to talk' places you can drop into? Or maybe call your Health Visitor and have a word with them.

PS - DS is my second baby and to be honest I've always put it down to him being very strong-willed. It will pass, and it's kind of normal behaviour for this age. I've found it easier to change nappies standing up and use pull ups, I also give him my phone while I'm changing him
And this distracts him for long enough to change him about 80% of the time. Go easy on yourself, babies this age are hard work.

Op this sounds really tough. Can you get some professional advice and support? Does your partner need to work away, can he change jobs? Do you work at all? Does your dd go to a childminder or nursey at
all? It would be interesting to know how she behaved in a different setting. I think you need a break.

Yes let me add that I work 4 days per week so do get a break and it's the best thing ever. Also my DD is an angel at nursery. They cannot believe me when I say how she acts at home. So I don't know why, but I do think they act up for parents

I also think your DD does love you, she might not show it in a standard way but you are her mum who has taken care of her from the start and you are her world.
It does sound like you need some time off, Is nursery an option for any day/days of the week? You are doing a great job as you care, you’ve had it rough and it’s not easy at the best of times. Big hug for you op

Sounds rough OP, I'm sorry you're having a hard time.

Please don't shout at your DD, she will copy your behaviour and like you say it will just be a vicious cycle. I'm a mum of a toddler too so I know it's difficult not to lose your cool but shouting won't solve your DDs behaviour.

Re changing nappy, I give DD my phone or a teddy or the sudocreme lid or the TV remote control to her to play with/distract her while I change her. If she's not distracted then she also twists and bucks and it's a bloody nightmare!

The headbutting thing sounds worrying to me though. Could you seek professional advice?

Good luck and hang in there! X

OP you could've been me a year ago. I got myself on antidepressants which helped me think more logically and respond more calmly in difficult situations like you describe. I put my DS isn't childcare for longer periods and split things with DP 50/50 in terms of drop off/pick up to/from childcare, cooking, cleaning and night wake ups. Honestly that created a much better family dynamic and gave me the breathing space I really needed. I'd definitely recommend taking to someone and your partner, going to GP and looking into any possible lifestyle changes. I hope things improve for you soon.

*put my DS into childcare

Non of this is your fault or hers. Agree with pp about attachment difficulties. there are things you can do to repair it. She does love you, but your relationship hasn't developed as you would have liked. Try some bonding when you don't have some task to achieve ie not when you are trying to change a nappy. Eg just looking at her and responding positively to her. Even passing things back and forth and smiling. Playing peek a boo. Round and round the garden etc. Make some time for it.

The attachment thing and making time for it is so true. I just kept love bombing DS, telling him I love him, saying well done when he did something good and saying how proud I am of him, sang you are my sunshine, and read lots of stories while cuddling. Now he's so attached to me I can't pee without an audience but I definitely feel that we love each other

Hello 👋🏻

Early years worker here, children will always behave a million times worse for their parents than they would nursery teachers/grandparents etc.

Your child sounds like any other child I have ever looked after.

The key is to take time for yourself. If you are anxious or stressed in anyway, your child will sense that, and like you say it’s a vicious cycle.

Are you receiving any treatment for your PND? I too struggled with that and I was given Citalopram and referred to a counselling service called Talk Changes. It really made such a difference. I also took up running. Have you got a friend or relative who could take your child for 30mins a week, it really would do you the world of good.

Don’t be too hard on yourself. Your child doesn’t hate you!

DS clearly adores me but he went through an awful stage at almost exactly this age when he would just walk up to me and slap me (properly hard, in the face), headbut me, pinch me, or do something else violent, just to get a reaction. He still has awful backarching tantrums for no reason (can’t have a cookie, wrong toy, non-opening item won’t open, etc) and currently has a huge bump on his forehead where he whacked his head on the floor mid-tantrum at nursery today. And he

Sorry posted to early!

And he has never liked having his nappy changed. So your DD sounds perfectly normal.

Things DS liked/that calmed him down:
Nappies changed standing up reading a book or playing with a toy on the toilet seat. Or standing on the toilet seat himself (he’s a climber).

Activities where I am 100% focused on him - baby swimming is the main one, but trips to Costa for breakfast croissants, trips to the park splash pad, soft plays where you can actually get up on the climbing frame with them, that sort of thing. We usually still have a tantrum on the way home, but the actual activity is nice bonding time. Reading a book, having a teddy tea party. Colouring together. Actually sitting down and doing something where your attention is totally focused on them.

DS’s biggest tantrums have been when he thinks I’m not paying him enough attention him (he tipped a whole cup of (cold) tea on the floor, slowly and completely deliberately, looking at me to check I was watching, because I called my mum and he felt ignored). DH cooks dinner most nights because DS won’t allow me to (flips out, pushes me back out of the kitchen to the living room, etc). He wants my attention on him, all the time.

I imagine that is what is driving your DD’s tantrums. If she screams, you pay attention. If she play nicely, you ignore her to get on with housework. 12-18 months is also peak separation anxiety time - DS would flip out when I went to the toilet, I certainly wasn’t allowed to go upstairs without him.

Nursery to give you a bit of a break would help, and then make sure DD is getting some quality time with you each day where you ignore the tantrums and try to do something nice with her. She does love you, and she will grow out of this.

Oh and I had almost forgotten the biting! Deliberate, unprovoked biting (hard enough to break the skin/leave bruising) just to get a reaction.

He would literally walk up to you, bite you or hit you, laugh when you tried to push him off, and basically carry on until either you pushed him off violently enough that he fell over and hurt himself (gentle pushes/moving away/saying “no” didn’t work, he just kept laughing and coming back) or you managed to get out of the room and shut the door (which made him tantrum and headbutt the door to get at you).

I tried bursting into tears once after he had bitten me (unprovoked, we’d been reading a book together) to see if that stopped him. He looked at me crying, then laughed in my face and slapped me, hard enough to knock my glasses across the room. He really was a psychopathic little bastard at that age!

Can't give practical advice as my child isn't that old yet but wanted to say I saw a relative go through exact same thing with her little one, her partner worked away as well so really stressful for her.
Little one was really hard work, tantrums, etc, but they are now 6, things changed and she loves her Mum to bits so please don't feel like she doesn't love you, she does.
She is a very affectionate girl now, lots of cuddles and writes her Mum beautiful little cards that make your heart melt and she was in your shoes a few years ago.

Hello everyone!

Thank you all so much for your kind and understanding messages, I think I might cry again haha. I’ll reply to everyone individually:)

Dodgylooking (amazing name haha)
Yea I literally just walk off upstairs when it gets too much. She has the run of downstairs and everything is child locked so she’s safe, although last night she managed to get a drawer open that contained chinchilla food... needless to say, it was everywhere and I’m sure she ate some haha. I hope she does, it’s just hard to see sometimes.

RedSpottyKettle
I wish that was the case! She honestly hates being picked up and cuddled haha. Although on the very rare occasion, she’s wanted to be picked up but it’s mainly because she wants to have a shout at me haha.

Youaremyrain
Thankyou so much! I’ll take a look :) that sounds awful though, I hope it isn’t trauma :(

Sunshinewithshowers123
Oh nappy changes are a pain in the arse aren’t they?! I’ve tried everything, she’s gets so annoyed that whatever I give her gets slung on the floor, she’s not easily fooled by my distraction techniques! Seems like I have to just silently ride it out until she gives up, It worked this morning so I’ll try again in a couple of hours haha. We live in a village with a beautiful big lake so we go over there practically every day (weather permitting) there’s a park with a swing and slide etc so we have a little routine with that. It’s hit and miss with her, it’s very mood dependant! Sometimes its a lovely afternoon, sometimes she loses her rag and it’s back in the pram! She’s very confident so she approaches every dog/person/child/pissed off goose that she can so she gets upset when I have to pull her away. Some days she’s fine, other days it’s literally all day.

Marlena1
Oh absolutely! I love it when she plays up in front of people because they’re all convinced she’s an angel haha. My partners parents are in the process of moving up to our village so Im hoping that I can finally get some help and get myself back to work. I am very much of that opinion, less time means less stress and better parent haha, it’s amazing how some people make you feel bad about that though :(

Avocuddl
Thank you so much. It’s lovely just to hear someone say it’s normal, you know deep down it is but I wonder if it’s meant to be this extreme haha. I do that daily, but then realise I’m a mum and that giving up is just a no haha. It will get easier but you’re right, it’s fucking exhausting haha. I am meant to be going away for 10 days with my best friend on Sunday but it may not happen as she is quite poorly. I’ve had nothin but grief about it for a whole year, nobody sees how badly I need it :( yes! Nobody believes me about how badly her tantrums are! She threw a massive paddy when her dad was home at the weekend though so at least he had a glimpse of it!

HabbyHadno
Oh it’s the worst, you just can’t do anything to help them and they don’t even know what they want themselves do they? All I wanted was to cuddle her and make it better but it never worked out that way. I haven’t spoken to my HV for months, I think I’ll try and dog out her number though, good idea! Also, pull ups... genius haha I’ll try them!

Idblowjonsnow (amazing!)
Partner is looking for another job as we speak! Finding it really tough though, he’s applying almost daily so hopefully something will come up soon. She doesn’t go to a childminder or nursery yet but when she is with her grandparents, they don’t get it half as bad! Although last time, Nanny did say “she had her moments” haha so I think she does give them grief still.

KenAdamsRealWife
Thank you :) I hope so, as she gets older I hope she shows it in a less punchy and bitey way haha. My partners parents are moving up to to our village soon so her Nan has agreed to have her a couple of days a week so I can get a break (and by break I mean clean the house In peace haha) so hopefully that makes a difference. Thank you, hugs are always appreciated!

Mummyofdaughters
I really try not to and it’s not a regular thing for sure, it’s just the odd occasion where I am at the end of my tether and usually covered in shit haha. She doesn’t respond to any distractions, she throws anything I give her on the floor and gets herself even more worked up! It’s like trying to control a wild animal lol. Yea the head butting again, isn’t a regular thing but she has done it a few times when she is overly annoyed, I’m going to give my HV a call I think regarding that one.

RunSweatLaughAndLatte
It’s so crappy, I’m glad they worked for you though :) I’ve been on them since she was born and I’m not sure they’re doing what they’re meant to, I’ve already had a referral for CBT so hopefully something comes of that soon. Hopefully when the grandparents move up I will get some time to myself and get a bit of a break. DP works away Monday to Friday so he’s literally not around to help sadly :( oh she loves to stand in between my legs when I’m trying to pee 😂 or bash the toilet seat lid on my back which is not relaxing haha. She gets a lot of love bombing but absolutely detests it haha.

Lifetothefull
No I know, it’s just so hard, she’s literally screaming her head off as we speak and has no interest in cuddles and it actually made her worse so have to ignore her and walk away, just doesn’t feel like a proper mother/daughter relationship and it’s heartbreaking. We do lots of activities throughout the day and they’re always together, peekaboo is a regular and she initiated that herself but we do lots of problem solving games together.

NorthernRunner
Thankyou so much, its so reassuring to hear that she is just going through the phases. I physically can’t take any time to myself because there’s nobody to have her for me and it sucks, I know our relationship would be 100% better if I had a break every now and then :(. I have had a referral too so I’m hoping that comes through soon and I’ve been on Mirtazapine since she was a few months old and citalopram before that, I think I need to get them looked at though because I don’t feel like they’re doing much and now I’m not sleeping properly again. Hopefully when DP parents move up then I can get a bit of a break.

Sashkin
The non opening toy thing... that’s a nightmare! DD gives me things that she wants me to basically make do something that they don’t and it’s game over! We are out every afternoon and try to do activities together daily. DD does the opposite, she pushes me out of the room! Sometimes it’s easier when I go upstairs on my own as she seems to calm down. She does the biting business as well but seems to have stopped for now, the laughing whilst doing it was a bit worrying! Nothing stopped her either, she just used to walk up to you with her mouth open and try to find an available piece of flesh! I agree, they’re psychopaths!

Sparkling123
This gives me hope! I hope she will do exactly that and suddenly become the loving daughter I’m sure she can be. Although right now she is screaming her head off because I’ve taken a cup away from her that had tea in it... haha.

I have nothing constructive to add because I'm in exactly the same position. I just wanted to add my support and say you're definitely not alone.

I'm also a single parent so I know exactly what it's like to know that no one is going to be there to take over when you reach your wits end.

Thankyou MushroomTree, it’s just so bloody hard isn’t it? When you so desperately need a break but there’s no way you can have it. When DD has gone to bed, i’ve regularly just sat in silence in the front room for an hour before I get on with stuff, that is what I class as a break haha. Massive hugs to you, we will get through it and I’m sure it gets easier xxx