My toddler really doesn’t like me ;(

[Bee199]

Hello all.
This is so hard to write and I’m in tears as I’m doing so. My DD is 19 months old and I am at my wits end ;(

I had/have PND and when she was born, she had a CMPA which went undiagnosed for 4 months, so she basically spent the first 16 weeks of her life screaming at me and it was awful. We also moved out of our hometown when she was 8 weeks old and my Fiancé has basically worked away Monday to Friday since then so it’s been so hard and I’m sure this has all attributed to our poor relationship.

She never comes to me when she’s hurt, she actively kicks and arches her back to get away from me if I pick her up so I don’t now. Today she got so bad that I had to basically go upstairs because she was head butting the floor, the tv table, the sink, basically anything she was in the vicinity of!

She will follow me around and just scream at me for what appears to be no reason, literally just ask her to move away from in between me and the kitchen side so I can do her lunch etc and she goes mental. She constantly screams at me and is very rarely like that when her dad is home at the weekends. She makes me so angry sometimes that I shout at her and then feel like crap but then she will just do it again and I’ll get annoyed with her again, it’s a vicious circle. She hates having her nappy changed (and has done for months) and it’s so frustrating trying to hold down and screaming, bucking toddler and not getting covered in poo! Every time just ends in her smacking her head repeatedly on the changing table and me screaming at her, it’s just horrible.

I feel like we just haven’t bonded, there isn’t a single time where I can honestly say that I felt she needed me or wanted to be near me and it’s ripping me apart and i feel like I’m beginning to zone out from her. She’s never been a cuddly baby but has given her Nan and great man cuddles every time they’ve visited.

I’m just really tired and I’m convinced now that we just won’t be close. Me and my own mum have never gotten on and it just feels like me and DD will end up the same way.

I’m just heartbroken and I don’t know what to do anymore

Bee199 I do the same! I get a "break" going to work two days a week but it's quite a high stress job and also with children so one way or another I seem to be "being mum" in some capacity 24/7.

But I live in hope that it gets better!

I don't mean this in a judgemental way at ALL - both my small kids nearly sent me mad at one point or another - but I think you need to be looking at your own emotions, not hers. How do you feel about her when she is behaving like this? Because she is mirroring that. You might want to take the 'love bombing' approach, in which you behave as if you think she is the most adorable creature ever, even if she's being a horror and you are having unloving thoughts, because not only will she start reflecting that loving behaviour back but you'll both begin to start really feeling it. That's the theory anyway. Google 'love bombing' for specific techniques. Good luck, it's an effort sometimes!!

Nappy changes - can you buy pull ups and let her stand up while you change her? My DS was so wriggly and hated lying down for changes, this really helped.

Tried 2 nappy change tricks yesterday and they worked a treat. First time was snacks, second time she pulled all the wipes out the packet whilst I was doing it.

I remember my DD being awful at that age. And me thinking 'How am I going to manage when she's 2 if she's like this now?' But actually, she was at her worst between 18 month and 2 years.

I remember holding my hand between her head and the floor so she couldn't hurt herself as she was banging her head. I remember wrestling her on the floor in our local shopping centre when she was in mid tantrum.

For her, I think it was a lot of frustration because she didn't have enough language to make herself understood. Have you tried any signing with her? That might help her, if she can make clear what she wants, at least you understand.

Also, a lot of tantrums are about attention seeking. If they can't get your attention for the good behaviour, they will get it for the poor behaviour. So try and remember to praise the good behaviour. When you are changing nappies praise every single second of good behaviour (even if they only last a second!). DD used to go limp when crossing the road when she was walking with her toddler reins on or holding my hand. Annoying and dangerous, so I used to have to praise her from start to finish and overpraise her when she was good and we'd reached the other side.

When you are out and she's been behaving well praise those parts - didn't you play well on the swings today? (even if there was a tantrum when you left). Little children love positive praise and I think it is easy to get into a negative way where you are mainly responding to the horrid behaviour.

It will get easier with a little bit more understanding and ability to communicate on her part.

My DD is 9 years old and I wouldn't say she was my biggest fan, or even liked me a lot of the time. I know she loves me (technically), and she is a good, sweet girl a lot of the time but for her, my ExH is the light of her life and she would sail me down the swanny without a moments thought if it meant getting an extra half an hour with him.

Incredibly hurtful given that he isn't a particularly reliable dad. He has gone multiple periods of time with no contact (around 18 months all in) due to his MH/previous drink problems, and doesn't take them anywhere/buy them anything/pays no maintenance etc. Obviously the kids are oblivious to the monetary side of things as kids should be, but it still hurts that I grind myself to the bone for them both and yet - for my DD anyway - her daddy can do no wrong and will forever be her No1. I am just the woman who feeds her between times