Argh business speak

[StealthPolarBear]

"lenses" grrrrrr

Some of you are my colleagues in sure.

I've always wondered if I have any colleagues on here. But I mostly suspect all the "DH is working late again and I'm sure he's having an affair" posters of being my colleagues' wives. (He's not having an affair, by the way, I'm the only woman on management level around here and I know exactly how dorky he is. Not interested.)

"Skills management" particularly in organisations where the training budget consists of a 30mimnute webinar every two years and a bourbon biscuit!

SciFiRules or of the kind where you're meant to turn the entire workforce into 'T-shaped professionals' (a particular pet peeve of mine) to be able to shape them into 'cross functional teams made up of polyvalent talent'.

Ugh, “business speak”. As someone with ASD I need people to speak clearly and actually say what they mean!! I’m not in work right now, but judging by this thread I’m going to find things very confusing!
What is the POINT of business speak?? Why not just use plain bloomin’ English???

Toffee these are the extreme ones :) good luck getting back into work

I guessed they were kind of extreme. I did languages at university so maybe I could treat it like learning a new language...?

I've not heard of "rolling-on"

that might actually be worse than "on-boarding".

Rolling on to where? A magical place that bans these terms?!

We have "shadow waves", do "deep dives", "cascade" changes and look for "multi-faceted solutions". Some of those are fine in the right context, but once I heard them all in the same sentence and almost combusted. Starter for ten is another.

Raaagh

BANDWIDTH. "Who has bandwidth to move this forward". Just tell someone to bloody get it done.

What's a "shadow wave"?

the first time someone used "bandwidth" in that context, I was tempted to say "I'd have a lot more bandwidth to work if I didn't have to use it to decipher jargon".

@Grace212 absolutely!

"shadow waves" are groups of organisations that are unofficially doing something they've been officially instructed to do unofficially...

Yes that makes about as much sense to me as it does to you.

Nacreous ah.....that actually makes sense. (worrying I know)

Interesting that people actually "name" it, I always think that's the sort of thing no one refers to and expects you to magically know - I mean that behaviour, or management strategy or shady dealings

@Spiderbanana That's made my day! I really hate "reach out" although I'm not sure I can justify why. I also hate "connect" e.g. two managers in a meeting realising they had a common interest in something saying "Oh yeah, well maybe we can connect over that later?" i.e. they're going to talk about it. Apparently saying "let's take this offline" isn't wanky enough anymore.