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Original poster

I need serious help

32 replies

Serbaurus · 11/03/2019 11:30

I dont know if this is the right place but it's an Avenue I'm willing to go down, im a father of 4 boys, not a very good one basically the past couple years I've done as little as possible and ignored my wife due to her cheating on me a few years back, we never really spoke about things and sweeping it under the rug did not help, so I lost emotion and felt like what was the point, once again due to this time me ignoring her and not giving her anything she went else where yet again, but now she also says she is no longer "in love" with me, we have been going to couple council for a few weeks and I did feel things where improving but I now think it was all a lie and just a cover up as she is scared to break up the home, my head is so confused I want to be here for her and help her and I want to right the wrongs mostly I do not want to leave my boys I love them so so much just thinking about it brings me to tears, but I cant help but think I'm causing the sadness in the house hold I think will it be better if I just packed a bag and left for good, leave everything so I cant be found and let them all live a happier life, can someone please help me I'm torn ......

OP posts:
Reaa · 11/03/2019 11:42

Why have you not already left?

You can still see your boys even if you don't live them.

How old are they?

I think you need to go for your own sake and end your marriage officially.

Original poster
Serbaurus · 11/03/2019 11:48

I don't want to leave them, I also think if I'm not here she wont take them to there activities they go to, I know I cant look after them on my own, I dont know, part of me says fight for it the other part just wants me to end it, I dont want to give up on them it's not there fault. I just hate myself for being the way I was.

OP posts:
Original poster
Serbaurus · 11/03/2019 11:51

Sorry there 13, 9,7 and 5 the 13yo is autistic and he has only ever communicated properly with myself he doesn't like having to speak with his mum for some reason, which is another reason I'm scared to leave.

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Relationship problems
ILiveInSalemsLot · 11/03/2019 11:52

Go to counselling by yourself. Figure out why you were being the way you were being, figure out how you feel about your wife’s affair and figure out where you want to go from here.

Ask your wife what she needs from you and you tell her what you need from her.

You’ll figure it out. Good luck.

Seeline · 11/03/2019 11:56

Why do you think you can't look after them on your own? If you leave that is what your ex will have to do.

Why do you think your wife won't take them to activities? Do you have any concerns about her parenting?

Why do you think you should leave so 'that you can't be found'? Doesn't sound fair on the boys.

Smotheroffive · 11/03/2019 12:03

The eldest will only talk to you? Not his DM?
You have been treating them badly, not just the DM but your DC too?
Why would you walk away from the DC too, and not just the DM?
What do you mean about their activities, and her not taking them? Does she take them now, or do you? Why wouldn't either continue?
She cheated, her fault, she cheated again, her fault. If theres nothing left for you, then there's nothing left, so leave, but make yourself go and get some help.

Reaa · 11/03/2019 12:05

You can still take them to activities.

I won't be the DC you are leaving, it will be the wife who cheated on you.

Can you take the boys with you or can you suggest she moves out instead of you leaving?

Reaa · 11/03/2019 12:07

That should of read It won't be the DC you are leaving.

Original poster
Serbaurus · 11/03/2019 12:10

I know I cant maybe after a few weeks to get my head sorted possibly I could, my wife has health problems that prevent her from walking far, she relies heavily on me taking her most places, I know she can look after them just fine, like I said the past year or so I've been a waste of space, I done nothing, just sat on my backside, I would pick them up from school, take them to there activities the rest was her, she made team, washed the dishes made sure the clothes where clean and put away she done everything and I ignored her, I realised now I'm 35 what happened in the past is where it belonged and changed my ways, I was 22st last September I'm now 18st and I'm still going to the gym to loose more, unfortunately I fear it's came too late. We are still going to the councillor but I think as a couple it wont help at least for now, we go on Tuesday and will ask if we can be seen separately I dont know should I just hold out and see if talking to the councillor will improve things or not hold my breath.

Another thing just to get an impartial advice, I get looking through my wife's phone isn't good to start with but after the affair I did do it a lot since she doesn't open up it was a good way to help me understand how she really felt, she has since put a pin on her phone and now my head is thinking she has something to find, I want to think it just because she doesnt want me snooping in her phone and believe before the affair it never happened but obviously after I'm on high alert and blocking me just makes me more suspicious, am j wrong to think if it was me I would have it unlocked and show her there is nothing just to help ease that notion?

OP posts:
Smotheroffive · 11/03/2019 12:21

You don't have rights to snoop on her phone, no matter what happened, but its completely understandable that you don't trust her. That s the issue, that you don't trust her. That can only be dealt with through talking it all through together.

If she doesn't want to do that then there's nothing you can do.

There is no reason you can't continue to facilitate the DCs activities.

Properly talk to her.

Original poster
Serbaurus · 11/03/2019 12:24

Thanks everyone I'll suck it up for now and see where the councillor can help and see if that helps with us talking, I know there is no trust there anymore but it can be built I suppose only if both parties want to is the biggest thing.

Thanks again.

OP posts:
Palominoo · 11/03/2019 12:24

Can't walk far without your help but has been seeing other men.

Hmmm

Smotheroffive · 11/03/2019 12:26

Yeah, good point. How has she cheated when she seemingly can't leave the house to meet anyone?

Palominoo · 11/03/2019 12:27

More holes than a frickin sieve.

3/10

Must try harder for a first post.

Palominoo · 11/03/2019 12:28

Reported for being a load of baloney.

Original poster
Serbaurus · 11/03/2019 12:32

Apparently it was in Facebook, some guy she actually babysat for when she was younger, well not his kids but his girlfriends kids, she was "trying to improve" her lack of ability but would meet him, she says they only ever spoke and they slept with each other once, best part is he still lives I his house with his "ex" where they apparently broke up 4 years ago but still live in the same house, and when she did used to babysit she didn't like him because he was a womanizer but he told her he changed and doesnt do that anymore, he also introduced his best friend to her mum when she was a teenager and he was an abusive woman beater. Makes you wonder just how bad I must have treated her when she thinks this is better?

OP posts:
Palominoo · 11/03/2019 12:35

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Original poster
Serbaurus · 11/03/2019 12:36

@ Palominoo go ahead, dont know why anyone would make it up? I would rather you kept it to yourself instead of assuming my life is made up, I can assure you I wish it was right now but your opinion on it being true or not is the least of my concerns, but thanks.

OP posts:
Smotheroffive · 11/03/2019 12:38

What do you mean she was trying to improve her lack of ability ?

She got out and about then? You are saying that all she did was talk to this man, except the one time she manages to get to his house unaided to immediately have sex with him?

Nonits not sounding likely really is it?

Original poster
Serbaurus · 11/03/2019 12:43

She can walk outside the house, she can walk down to the school and back but she has always found it difficult, the after school activities for the boys like swimming and football are a lot further away, she avoids public transport for her own reasons I'm not 100% sure but this is why I have always driven them to these things, meeting him was just walking round the corner out of site I assume, I have never got to that actual detail, he drove, that's as much as I got.

OP posts:
Palominoo · 11/03/2019 12:51

A Councillor works at the Council.

Can't see them helping you much unless on top of your woes you're having trouble with your bin men.

Smotheroffive · 11/03/2019 12:55

Whats link Palominoo ?

I think you absolutely should have that detail OP. She doesn't drive herself? You don't know why she wouldn't use public transport?

That's quite a lot to not know about someone you claim to love and want to be close to?

Original poster
Serbaurus · 11/03/2019 12:56

Yeah ok troll, why dont you Google bright light I Edinburgh, Scotland think you will find that there are people there who help others and they are called councillors, this will be the last time I interact with you and every other comment you have posted has been reported as trolling, thank you for your existence.

OP posts:
Original poster
Serbaurus · 11/03/2019 13:04

About 14 years ago she was taken to hospital with pneumonia and developed a rare type of asthma called pulmonary eosiniphilia (forgive me if its spelt wrong) from then she has found most normal activities for us ie walking and running to be difficult, she us on constant medication taking prednisolone being on this for such a long time has made her bone weak also and has had to be on calcium tablets and others, she takes 3 different tablets a day, I've always drove since our 13 yo was born and have pretty much drove her everywhere she needed to be.

OP posts:
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