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Original poster

Alternative ideas for sunday dinner with in laws: please help me keep my sanity and clean criminal record

27 replies

namechangedbutneedadvice · 10/03/2019 21:10

Long story short: my in laws (ex... still close with them) are coming to stay for the weekend. It will mean they're here on Sunday when I usually cook a sunday lunch but I just can't sit down to a meal with them anymore. I've reached the point my ex did... they are lovely but absolutely intolerable at mealtimes. Spend the entire meal commenting on what's healthy, scrutinising what everyone's eating, watch my DDs like a hawk when they eat and always commenting "you didn't eat enough!" or "wow you ate a LOT"!. They always always try to make you have more "no go on have it I'm fine" whilst watching... it's a CONSTANT chatter and watching of what everyone's eating. To avoid this I tried leaving dishes in the kitchen for people to help themselves then sit at the table... then I tried just plating up everyone's meals and neither of these worked, still they moved food around off their plates. I'm getting stressed just thinking about it, no wonder my ex has such issues with food.

Anyway - please could you give me any creative ideas for how to avoid this situtation? I can't just not feed them. Maybe just a big breakfast? Can't afford to go out to eat... Or just something very tactful but firm to say? HELP!

OP posts:
WheresTheEvidence · 10/03/2019 21:12

A bowl of soup and bread they can't take offence at how much/little someone eats that way

Sally2791 · 10/03/2019 21:13

How about a one pot meal like chilli and/or curry plus rice potatoes etc and make it a bit of a buffet. Completely ignore any comments about who is eating what and change the subject to something more interesting. Good luck!

Foslady · 10/03/2019 21:15

A piece of steak and mixed roasted veg? Steak will be already portioned and roasted veg has to be healthy - surely????

Singlenotsingle · 10/03/2019 21:16

Ha! It's everyone for himself here! Dig in quick or you might go hungry! Why didn't it work when everyone served themselves in the kitchen? It sounds ideal. Maybe they should just stay in the kitchen!

MiddleClassProblem · 10/03/2019 21:17

Tell them you have plans with friend for Sunday lunch (friend’s birthday or whatever) so unfortunately they’ll have to leave before.

Original poster
namechangedbutneedadvice · 10/03/2019 21:30

I've tried portioning things; didn't work. The kitchen idea didn't work as it was the same conversation just more traipsing about. It's just so hard to ignore it... exMIL repeats things 8, 9, 10 times it gives me a nervous twitch. She dislikes leftovers but wont eat them herself, instead will actually throw them onto exFIL's plate like it's a compost bin. Then he eats it even if he's said he's full. It's messed up. God, they're really brilliant people it's just mealtimes!!!

OP posts:
FreeButtonBee · 10/03/2019 21:34

Chicken Salad and then promise the kids a massive piece of cake if they eat well?

The soup suggestion is a good one. Vegetable soup and brown bread. How could they have anything to say about that?

I sympathise as my in laws are from the same sort of stock. However their greed has mostly got the better of them these day as I am a very good cook and give no shits. I did ban them from being in the same room as the kids when they were eating when small / otherwise they would literally comment on every mouthful. Luckily now all have good appetites and eat an acceptable (if not stunning) range of veg.

BlueMerchant · 10/03/2019 21:42

New rule- no talking at the dinner table.

Cherrysoup · 10/03/2019 21:53

If you get on well, as you do given they’re ex+in-laws, tell them very seriously (in advance) that you don’t want this dynamic causing food issues with the dc. I would go nuts at this constant nonsense.

Original poster
namechangedbutneedadvice · 10/03/2019 22:04

You're right... But it's gone on so long now. And it's never been brought up before. How on earth could I phrase it?

OP posts:
Kpo58 · 11/03/2019 04:40

Fajitas? Everyone can make up their own and once wrapped, you can't tell what's inside.

Original poster
namechangedbutneedadvice · 11/03/2019 04:45

Thank you all. It's not so much about how healthy things are (although sometimes is) it's just like they're so invested in what everyone else is eating. You just can't relax.

OP posts:
yakari · 11/03/2019 04:57

I think if it's that deeply engrained you won't change the behaviour with different menus. It's a case of 'the only thing you can change is yourself'!
Can you and the kids agree an upfront strategy- smile and nod, change the subject whatever works depending on their ages. Make it very clear to your kids that it's their grandparents 'funny ways' and not a healthy way to eat.

sashh · 11/03/2019 05:02

Get some cardboard picnic boxes - the kind of thing you get a ready meal in, give everyone an individual one and let the kids eat i front of the TV.

Or get a bento box and explain how everything has to be in a set amount.

You could also play 'bingo' with the kids, when she asks a question - tick, when she comments on how much a child has eaten - tick.

You may or may not want to make this a drinking game for yourself.

Twerking9til5 · 11/03/2019 06:04

“ In this house we don’t comment on what other people are eating “

“Oh, quick heads up, aside from saying something is nice, could we not comment on what anyone is saying at the table please? I don’t want the children to start feeling self conciois / it makes the children self concious “

Good grief: if my oar

Twerking9til5 · 11/03/2019 06:05

If my parents did this I would have said “for goodness sake can you two stop talking about what everyone else is eating please’ and stop staring at my plate”.

scrappydappydoo · 11/03/2019 06:35

If they start commenting I would be extremely tempted to make passive aggressive remarks about what we say influencing people or talk about the reasons behind eating disorders - ‘I was reading an article the other day...’ but I’m too polite so I’d probably do a disinterested murmur then come up with several hundred distraction topics ‘hmm - Freddy did you tell Granny about your school trip...’

ceeveebee · 11/03/2019 06:40

I’d go out for lunch instead!

Arowana · 11/03/2019 06:46

Personally I’d eat with them at the table and let your DC eat in front of the TV. If they commented on how rude this is I would give literally zero fucks. I would care more about protecting my kids from such damaging behaviour than worrying about what they thought.

Twerking9til5 · 11/03/2019 07:07

Instead of all these contortions (which won’t stop them doing it) why not just say something?

Bagpuss5 · 11/03/2019 07:11

Get them on to a 'when I was your age ' story and keep them on it. Prime the DCs, eg how far did you have to travel to school? Did you have tv to watch when you were little, what did you watch, what was your favourite programme? how did you do complicated arithmetic if you didn't have a phone/calculator? did you have a car, which car etc

Sanguineclamp · 11/03/2019 07:12

I wonder what lies behind this? Does your ex-mil have issues around food? Is she nervous in social situations? Does she think she is complimenting you in some way? Knowing that would help you choose a way to stop it.

  • Calmly & deliberately change the subject every single time they comment? Have a list of qs in your mind so you are prepared. "That's enough about food, what have you been doing/what's happening with Aunty X's holiday/how is the dog?"

  • Or brief them beforehand saying "I hope you don't mind me asking, but please could you not comment on what the DC area eating during lunch, as they feel a bit watched/under surveillance/rather self-conscious when you are here?"

*please can we talk about something other than food?

*Let's just enjoy our own lunches shall we?

*Strange, in our family, it wasn't really done to constantly comment about what others were eating (pause for effect)

Serving something which involves them faddling about ie duck, chinese pancakes, hoisin sauce, shredded cucumber and spring onion etc, might keep their eyes on their own plate.

Clutterbugsmum · 11/03/2019 07:14

I'd tell them before they arrive that this is their first, last and final warning any mention on anyone's eating habits will not be tolerated and they will be told to leave not asked told to leave. And any further visits with you and your children will not involve staying over or meals as they are rude to you and your children.

Can I ask why they are doing visits with you and not when your children are with their dad.

Food wise I'd do a buffet type meal, say hot chicken salad and bread.

cushioncuddle · 11/03/2019 07:19

Don't change the food.

You need to ask them to stop. You need to make it clear.

You say there will be no talking about what someone is eating and if food is healthy or not in this house.

Be firm and clear. It doesn't matter what you cook they'll comment. So nip the conversation in the bud.

FiveLittlePigs · 11/03/2019 07:53

Can I ask why they are doing visits with you and not when your children are with their dad

Yes, why? From what you've said it doesn't sound like you're in touch with the ex-inlaws because they're friends, so why? Confused