On a one woman mission to self destruct. Can't seem to stop. Not sure that I want to

[namechangedyetagain]

I need a grip.

I'm so sad. I drink too much. I eat too much. I don't get out that much. I work but barely function. Everything seems just too hard and too much of an effort.

My children are looked after, loved, cuddled, fed, cleaned homework done etc. I would never leave them so I don't think I'd do anything daft But I just don't have the oomph to sort myself out.

I have a few friends but I don't want to see or really talk to anyone. Family are also struggling with it all so I can't bother them with me.

I know i need to stop but i just can't. I can't see anything hopeful in life. Nothing gives joy. I can't remember the last time I smiled or laughed.

How can I switch things around? Its all just so pointless.

Nothing gives you joy? You need to get anti-depressants quickly. I have been on lustral in the past (twice).

I know a lot of people will be against anti-depressants but you need a rest from feeling this low. You can work on your resilience and so on after the drugs have given you a lift. Go to the GP as soon as you can.

You could be describing me when I had PND. Its the pits.
Make an appointment to see your GP. With anti depressants and CBT counselling, I got better. Been off the pills for 4 years now. You can get better. Life will get better. But get help and be kind to yourself.
Good luck x

Stopping drinking would be a start. Feels good, that reward for the day. It doesn't matter if it's a glass or a bottle. But it's a depressant, as I found out the hard way. I doubt if I was ever over the breathalyser for more than an hour a day, but I felt like shit all the time. Start with that, then the rest of it might be a bit easier.

OP you're describing depression. You don't need a grip, love, you need help.

Please see your GP. Get anti-depressants if you want or get referred for CBT. If you can afford to go private, google for a CBT therapist near you now.

This is so fixable with the right support.

Good luck [

I've been on anti depressants since my d bro ther died in August. They stop me from driving into a wall but that is about it.

Drink is sometimes the only thing that helps me sleep. Have had sleeping tablets also and valium for the panic attacks. Nothing is working.

I'm a mess.

I've also had cbt in the past for PTSD but when I approached them again they said that they couldn't really help with bereavement.
Even cruse said I just have to give it 6 months to go through the natural process. Well it's been 6 months and I feel every bit as hurt as I did at tbe end of August.

Can you get to a gym OP? I could have written your post a while ago and exercise has honestly been my saviour

I couldn't easily (time and money). I also have zero motivation to literally do anything. I've even given up walking the dog.
I hate myself and my life but seem unable to change anything.

When you say you went back and they said they couldn't help, who was it? A therapist or NHS in general? Therapy for PTSD is different to what you will need for grief/panic/depression.

If CRUSE said wait 6 months and you have, then it's time to approach them again.

Could you try a twelve step program like overeaters anonymous or alcoholics anonymous. It is a really good way of meeting other people in the same boat and getting your life back on track.

OP. Everything you've written matches my feelings. Sorry but i think we're both depressed. It's so isolating. Functioning only cos of the kids. Going to work but feeling there's no point. Feeling sadness that this is it and unable to face another 5 years let alone possibly 30.
If my body followed my mind, I'd have died 30 years ago. Feel so guilty at this.
Try the advice given, hope you can turn it around x x

Could you speak to your GP about upping your dose or even changing the type you have? I had to change tablets and then up the dose before they really started working for me.
I know its so very hard to do when you feel so low but going for a walk everyday really helps. Start with just 10 minutes and build up.
Another thing that helped was to write a sort of journal thing each night. Just dead simple. Three good things that I'd done. Might just be bathed the kids or listened to them read. And one thing I would do tomorrow, like do the big shop. It made me realise I wasn't that crap a mum! Also gave me a goal for the next day. I still do this most nights now. Definately helps my mental health.
Sounds like you've been through a lot.

I agree with going to the GP and stopping drinking. It is false that drinking helps you sleep. Let me guess..... you wake up in the middle of the night anxious and your mind racing and unable to get back to sleep. Right? Drinking is a depressant that you have to take more of to get back to feeling on an even keel. Plus, it mucks up your natural sleep cycle so you only get 2 REM cycles not the 5-6 you really need. Honestly....it only seems like it helps.

If you do go on antidepressants, then alcohol will also be counter-productive. Please give it some thought.

I suffer from depression and anxiety. I have been suicidal. I am only a little over a month from dumping booze from my life and it has made a huge difference.....I am so much calmer in myself.

I suffered burn out this time last year and this is what helped me to recover from feeling like my inner soul had given up:

Nature: Going out for little walks and just looking at flowers and leaves along the way. Sounds silly but it was great.
Nurture: Making a conscious effort to do things that I liked to do just for me. I rediscovered reading (but it could be anything) and started to read in my lunch break at work instead of working through.
Nutrition: Just adding an extra glass of water here and there can make a big difference. I am still working on getting my food better.
No: I stepped back and let some things go to allow me more time to rest and get a better balance. Less of doing the shoulds and oughts and more of what I like.

This feeling is temporary and it will pass.

The Compound Effect could be your friend here. Make one small change this week, eg. Walk the dog every day. Just that one thing. Get into that. Feel the benefits. Then do another thing, eg. A longer walk, or 2 walks a day, or drink an extra pint of water a day. Just keep going in a positive direction.

I am already on citalopram but maybe I need to ask about upping the dose.

I wake in the night due to nightmares. About all sorts of things revisiting me. According to Fitbit I get very little rem or deep sleep. I'm permanently exhausted which doesn't help matters.

I find the thought of even simple tasks completely overwhelming so have no idea how I manage to change my life. I don't think I'm ever going to ok. I'm basically just waiting for my time to die.

I don't normally agree with having a phone by your bedside but, have a look at YouTube videos which are designed to be played whilst you're asleep, to help you sleep and to feel better generally. There are loads. Wayne Dyer has one I know of but seriously, there are loads.

Another thing which will help you is to sit quietly and simply watch how you're feeling and thinking. Tell yourself it's OK; it won't last. Aim to accept how you feel. Accept where you are. (This should help shift it.)

Another tip: clear out a drawer or cupboard. As well as distracting you, you'll get a sense of accomplishment, satisfaction and progress. It's hard to feel depressed then.

Another tip: Have an afternoon nap.
And another: Watch some comedy.

And music. Music is your friend

Some antidepressants work better for resistant depression, maybe go and discuss with GP

Be kind to yourself, as kind as you can. Imagine how kind you would want to be, if you could, to someone suffering intense grief, who had to carry on and carry on, who was exhausted, who was giving her all to her kids. Try to be kind to that person. Talk about upping the citalopram dose with your GP. Think about whether you can afford private therapy (hint: you can. Stop spending money on wine). Make the small positive changes other OPs have mentioned.

Start with one small step and keep going.

You sound like me. I drink far too much and am miserable without it. I'm joyless. Just done 4 days without a drink and I feel pointless and like I have no spark. I know I'm depressed but having been on & off antidepressants all my adult life I just cba being on them right now. They never stopped me drinking, anyway. You know this but it is really bad for your sleep. I wish I had good advice but I'm a mess too. Sending solidarity.

I feel like this much of the time too OP. Overwhelmed and utterly unmotivated. Deep grief too. Today has been a tough day with triggers that laid me very low. What works at worst is the mantra of 'one day at a time'. Don't think beyond that. Then basics - exercise, nutrition, meditation. When they slip, I slide. Avoid things you know make it worse - the drinking. You can do that for one day, one day at a time. I wish you all the best.

So again I woke at 145. The time he passed. It's so odd I can't get out of it. Am now so tired.
And now I have to do a day at work take the children swimming and cook dinner tonight.

I feel like running away from life. It's too much. The sadness is too much to bear.

Tonight though there will be no wine. At least that's my plan

Good plan OP. You're inspiring me to also set a positive intention for today. Also didn't sleep well - it's a viscous cycle! But at least it's a blue sky this morning, that helps a lot.