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Original poster

On a one woman mission to self destruct. Can't seem to stop. Not sure that I want to

49 replies

namechangedyetagain · 10/03/2019 19:34

I need a grip.

I'm so sad. I drink too much. I eat too much. I don't get out that much. I work but barely function. Everything seems just too hard and too much of an effort.

My children are looked after, loved, cuddled, fed, cleaned homework done etc. I would never leave them so I don't think I'd do anything daft But I just don't have the oomph to sort myself out.

I have a few friends but I don't want to see or really talk to anyone. Family are also struggling with it all so I can't bother them with me.

I know i need to stop but i just can't. I can't see anything hopeful in life. Nothing gives joy. I can't remember the last time I smiled or laughed.

How can I switch things around? Its all just so pointless.

OP posts:

vampirethriller · 11/03/2019 12:04

Alcohol stops citalopram working properly- I used to be on it and was drinking a lot at the time. Citalopram can also keep you awake if you take it at night.

Original poster

namechangedyetagain · 11/03/2019 19:36

So today I have managed a day at work, phoned the doctor (missed his call back though), taken the children swimming cooked dinner and walked 10000 steps. Just settled down with a cup of herbal tea.

So that's almost one day done. Just trying to pluck up courage to phone my best friend. I don't want to bring her down

OP posts:

SandAndSea · 11/03/2019 19:50

Wow! You've done really well today. Maybe get an early night tonight?

Plastictattoo · 11/03/2019 20:02

Well done. I've been thinking about you today. Be proud and take that pride into tomorrow x

Ditto66 · 11/03/2019 20:19

Well done! Make the call. I close off from people too when I'm feeling down. It can help to put the focus on them, "been thinking about you - how are things" rather than feeling too much pressure on yourself. Connection is so important - it doesn't need to be a big deal. Really it is the small and everyday things that matter. If you have time for TV Ricky Gervais's 'After Life' just out on Netflix is a brilliant mix of grief meets comedy. It helps to laugh and there's some meaningful stuff in it too that you could probably relate to atm.

LifeCasting · 11/03/2019 20:38

OP you are doing so well!

Must admit to feeling the same... very much like I’m on self destruct.
Just wanted to say that alcohol probably makes those feelings worse. It hasn’t stopped me so far, sadly, but I’ve noticed when I don’t have wine that I’m not as cynical or miserable about everything.

Original poster

namechangedyetagain · 12/03/2019 20:07

Day 2. Doctor has reviewed me and upped my dose of ADs. And says it will take time - and bearing in mind I was vulnerable before it's no wonder I'm feeling so low. I can't accept that this is it now. Forever seems such a long time.

I've managed to phone my friend, and my brothers best mate who he knew since the age of 3 called by to check on me tonight. Was good to see him and have a chat. He is so missed.

Having a herbal sleep tea and a cake to get me through until bedtime and that will be another day done.

OP posts:

Thewheelsarefallingoff · 12/03/2019 20:13

Just caught up with your thread, op. It sounds like you accomplished a lot today. Your attitude is inspiring me to think about some little steps each day.

Ditto66 · 12/03/2019 20:30

Brilliant - sounds like another good day.

AtrociousCircumstance · 12/03/2019 23:15

You’re doing so bloody well OP! Day by day. Keep going.

SavageBeauty73 · 12/03/2019 23:40

Alcohol stops citralopram working. The little steps you've made are brilliant. I'm so sorry about your brother 💐

madroid · 13/03/2019 06:48

Wow your fighting back OP, well done! Go you!

Keep going. Do something nice for yourself today. Life will get better. You never know what is round the corner.

Original poster

namechangedyetagain · 13/03/2019 06:57

Trouble is I'm tired of fighting all the time. Fighting just to exist and put one foot in front of the other.

I'd like to think that life will get better but it never does. Something bad is always round the corner

OP posts:

finallyfound · 13/03/2019 18:33

Just try to think "there's always someone sadder than you are".

(And if you're a bit of an empath remember you can't do anything about it).

Glad you're making progress. May it continue.

Ditto66 · 13/03/2019 21:31

You also have a lot of positives in your life to build on OP. You have a lot of love from friends and family. It's not perfect and right now everything may seem bleak and overwhelming, but you have that solid foundation. It sounds naff but it can help to just try and think of 3 things you're grateful for every day. Can be big or tiny things. Just slowly helps shift focus and get your thoughts onto a more even keel.

Isadora2007 · 13/03/2019 21:55

You are doing so well and I can understand that you’re tired. Is there perhaps a local support group for bereaved relatives? Sharing that pain with others who have walked similar paths can be very therapeutic. Your brother sounds like a very special man to be so missed, you can talk about him here if you think that would help at all.

DishingOutDone · 13/03/2019 23:45

OP your brother died - you are horribly bereaved, you don't need the gym and an early night - you need to have this loss acknowledged. By all means continue your self care because that is important but please do try bereavement counselling; your GP should be able to refer you or you can contact CRUSE they are great:

www.cruse.org.uk

Original poster

namechangedyetagain · 14/03/2019 06:51

I'm not sure about counselling. I can really until tbe cows come home but I need him back and they can't do that for me. It's not right. My g parents are in their 90s so will be facing that soon as well.

He was bloody amazing. We were so close, spoke or text every day just random stuff that made us laugh. Went out drinking together in late teens early twenties (met Dh through him). He was a fab funny uncle and adored my children.

Life is not right. Not the same without him. It never will be. And I can't understand how quickly he was taken. And I don't think I'll ever be ok with it.

Anyway. I've existed another day .

OP posts:

PersonaNonGarter · 14/03/2019 06:55

STOP DRINKING.

Your problems will halve. They won’t go away, that will take time, work and love. But you will feel physically so much better.

Please stop drinking. It will be so much better for your DC.

Original poster

namechangedyetagain · 14/03/2019 07:10

I haven't had a drink all week, I tend to only drink on a Friday and possibly Saturday.

OP posts:

DMCChristmasCakes · 14/03/2019 09:55

You're doing really well OP.

Keep on keeping on.

Grief, depression and anxiety suck. (Voice of experience. )

VanellopeVonSchweetz99 · 14/03/2019 11:06

You have depression which is an awful life threatening illness and not your fault. GP, sharpish!

VanellopeVonSchweetz99 · 14/03/2019 11:08

Posted too soon, I see you are getting help. Wishing you every happiness.

Original poster

namechangedyetagain · 15/03/2019 17:38

Well I've made it through another week. Very odd dream last night in which my brother phoned me from where he is, which has unsettled me so I'm afraid after a hard week at work I cracked open the wine when I got in. Have a friend round later so I'm trying not to feel too bad about it.

I've done better than last week.

OP posts:

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