Friend in abusive relationship being assessed for adoption

[Blueuggboots]

I've got a work friend who is lovely but her H is physically and financially abusive to her.
I have just found out from another friend that they are being interviewed with a view to adopting.
My friend can't have children naturally and it is her greatest wish to be a mum.......
BUT you can't bring potentially already traumatised children (or any children purposely!) into an abusive marriage surely?
Would you let social services know?

Tough one but yes I would.

Does she realise her relationship is abusive?

How do you know her relationship is abusive?

Yes. We all have a duty of care to all children.
She may be upset with this being anonymously reported, but she would be more upset if they found out after a child was placed with them- and were removed again after witnessing his abuse.
In fact ring them now.

Yes I'd let them know.

If you have heard directly from her about the abuse then yes you should tell ss (or if she hasn't said it to you but to your friend in common, then they bear the responsibility). If it's anything else then you're going on gossip and I'd say no.

I would report my concerns too.

I know her relationship is abusive because she has told me often and I have seen the bruises as well.

@slappinthebass - yes, she knows her relationship is abusive.

Yes, report. A child’s right to a happy, stable home (especially coming from a traumatic background) hugely outweighs your friend’s desire to be a mum.

Not to mention the huge strain and stress having a biological child brings to a relationship, which would most likely make her abuse worse and could be even worse with the higher needs of an adopted child.

Please Please please report. These children have been through enough trauma.
They need stability and love :(

Please report. I'm starting the adoption process with my DH right now, and she will need to be 100% honest anyway or they will be refused anyway.

If nothing else, you might just save her from an abusive marriage, as she will be spoken to in a one to one interview as part of the application process, and they will inevitably raise it with her.

No way they will be accepted if they know this is the situation, and they need to know.

Absolutely I would. Your friend's wish to be a mother is trumped many many times over by the need for these children not to be re-traumatised.

Perhaps this will even be the extra motivation your friend needs to leave her desperate situation. She could be a wonderful single adopter, or an adopter as part of a future healthy relationship.

Knowingly choosing to bring children into the abusive situation to fulfil her own wish to be a mother is selfish however.

Your friend is not thinking clearly about this, which is understandable considering the awful situation she is in. It would be a terrible thing to bring a vulnerable child into this relationship. If she is a decent human being, I would give her the benefit of the doubt, assume that she would not do such a cruel thing if her head wasn't completely mashed by the abuse she is suffering, and do her a favour by helping her avoid this horrendous mistake.

Sorry, you do have to report it. The poor child might witness the abuse, or worse, be a target. They will have been through a lot, they don't deserve a horrific home life.

an adopted child was murdered (I think in Brighton) some years ago by their adoptive father. during the murder investigation it was discovered that he had been abusive to his first wife but socal services had never spoken to her.

As a result the process is now that SS want to speak to any long term previous partners.

Of course you need to tell them, ting and ask for the adoption team manager and tell them what you know.

I know I'm the area there are adoption agencies as well as SS. If I ring SS, do all adoptions go through them at some point of the process?
I know he'll have promised her the world.....
He uses her infertility as one of the excuses why he is abusive. He has taught her to believe she owes him something because she's not been able to provide him with his own child.
It's heartbreaking to watch.

Yes all agencies have to go through social services at some point, but it varies at which point but as others have said please report this. You can do this anonymously if you prefer.

Yes, I would definitely discuss with Social Services as the best option. They will be best placed to deal with things appropriately.

I think the only other option, if you are unsure, is to call the NSPCC advice line for advice (with a view to calling social services also).

The third option is that you tell your friend that you will need to report if she doesn't a) leave her partner or b) cancel the adoption process. This is difficult though, as it means you then can't really report anonymously.

Whatever you do, please prioritise the children. The potential children here have no choice in the matter. Your friend is choosing to remain in this relationship she knows is abusive.

If you are really brave speak to her directly about this, but otherwise yes, you should report it.

I’m afraid you have a moral duty to report this - whether you decide to act in this is up to you though. I feel for your friend for both being in an abusive relationship and not being able to have children, but don’t let any defenceless little people be brought into this situation. Maybe if the adoption process is stopped because of this your friend may find the strength to leave her husband.

I’d report it. You know it’s the right thing to do.

Can you engage get in conversation about the adoption process and see which agency she is going through? Chances are it's the local authority, as most people do use them but they may have opted for another organisation for a specific reason, as have we.

I'd report this, the welfare of any children who could come their way has to take priority here

I'd report this, these children have enough going on without this.