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Original poster

Have you gone from shy, awkward and quiet to powerful confidence and social skills master and if so, how?

30 replies

TransplantMyPersonality · 05/03/2019 12:36

Im fucking sick of being this crappy timid, shy and awkward person. Its literally ruining my life. I have even been suicidal about it and I've tried so hard so so many times but I just can't seem to change.

Its everything from not knowing what to say or how to act. Being too quiet, not being able to approach people, small talk, having a quiet voice, not being assertive, freezing, feeling awkward. The whole thing. How the fuck can I turn myself around.

Is this just my make up of who I will always be? I hate it and it's getting me extremely depressed. I want to change and don't know how. Please help.

OP posts:
Original poster
TransplantMyPersonality · 05/03/2019 18:53

Bump!

OP posts:
GoneFishingNC · 05/03/2019 18:57

You can definitely overcome shyness, or at least learn how to manage it so it doesn’t cripple you in certain situations.

I suggest you read some books on confidence, watch Ted talks on the subject and you should also look into doing online courses in confidence and assertiveness - life coaching is huge right now. There are loads of things you can do to develop confidence. From learning how to walk and stand to make yourself feel more confident to how to break the ice with conversation.

RisingLikeAPhoenix · 05/03/2019 18:59

Watching with interest - you are not alone. I feel the same way!

Wobblington · 05/03/2019 19:04

Things that have helped me over the years

  • watching confident people and copying their approach.
  • I have a bank of small talk I roll out when needed. It does not come naturally to me at all!
  • I used to be v quiet and blush. I still sometimes blush but that's out of my control. I did work on my voice consciously when I realised during presentations I couldn't remember the average people - just the very quiet/shy and the super extrovert. So now I just aim for average!
I also try and go first in group situations as then the pressure to be new/interesting is reduced and no-one is really listening to me anyway as they are too busy thinking about what they are about to say!

I think for those of us it who are not naturals it does come down to practice and it can be uncomfortable but the more you can put yourselves in these situations the easier it gets 😀

FiveLittlePigs · 05/03/2019 19:15

Talk to everyone you see. Even if it's just ”hi, nice day” as you see a neighbour in the street. The more you talk the easier it becomes. If you listen to people speak, a lot of them don't add a lot to a conversation but repeat the last comment made or some nothingness about the weather, the meal you've just eaten, oh it's good to sit down etc.

Fake it until you make it.

Don't necessarily do what I did and become social Secretary for a local club which means you have to talk a lot, and talk to large groups of people. That was like being thrown in the deep end to teach me to swim. Confused it worked

You can do it. I used to hide from people in case they wanted to speak to me!

Good luck.

eurochick · 05/03/2019 19:17

Fake it till you make it. Take a deep breath and just go for it.

It was a revelation to me when at an overseas work event lasting several days, one of the best networkers I know in my industry said "I'm just going to stand here and drink wine with you for a while. I can't talk to anymore strangers". She came across as if she was having the time of her life working a room but even she found it tough after a while!

Awwlookatmybabyspider · 05/03/2019 19:22

How old are you, if you don't MIMD me asking.
It might come with age.
My confidence came with age.

I just took.a lot longer to blossom and grow into myself than everyone else.

Wigissnatched · 05/03/2019 19:23

@transplant your not alone. I have literally started my own thread on the same subject today so I know how you feel. In relaxed situations with people I know really well I'm fine but when I feel uncomfortable I come across as really shy and awkward and never know what to say Blush

desperateswisswife · 05/03/2019 19:23

Check out Vanessa Van Edwards on YouTube. Also has a book - Captivate.

GregoryPeckingDuck · 05/03/2019 19:24

With alcohol. Drunk me is very confident...not sure it’s a good thing though.

Veterinari · 05/03/2019 19:27

Practice - fake it. Confidence is a facade for most of us. Put yourself in increasingly uncomfortable situations until they become more comfortable.

Prepare. If you have an event then think up relevant small talk in advance (a la Bridget Jones!). Also introduce people with thoughtful details - it definitely helps!

Presentation. Wear an outfit that you feel comfortable and confident in. Like a knight putting on their battle armour Grin

JazzyJelly · 05/03/2019 19:28

I became a teacher. But within that, I did things that scared me with my heart hammering but did them anyway, fucked things up and learned from them, and faked it till I made it.

PissOffPeppa · 05/03/2019 19:32

Yes but I don’t know how. I’m sorry that’s not useful to you now but maybe it will give you a bit of hope.

I was also going to ask how old you are. I just seemed to increase in confidence as I got older

poppinpink · 05/03/2019 19:44

I would say it's only in the last 10 or so years I've become a bit more confident. Was so excruciatingly shy when I was younger so it's definitely got better with age, and I would say learning to not give a fuck and faking it a lot of the time. In my job I have to be so smiley and happy and positive all the time even if I don't feel like that inside.

RockysMa · 05/03/2019 19:47

It came with age for me too. Wish I'd had the confidence I have now when I was younger, it would have made life a LOT easier - but I'm proud of how far I've come.

Go easy on yourself and try not to beat yourself up. I'd recommend Louise Hays books; You Can Heal Your Life in particular helped get me on the right path.

GroatGruff · 05/03/2019 19:55

I'm halfway there. As PP have said. Practice. Watch how other people do it. Mentally prep convo topics. Fake it til you make it.

Some things I had to learn to help my 'journey' (and at first a lot of these lessons pissed me off...)

  • social interaction is a two way street. If conversation is like pulling teeth and you are genuinely trying then it's not you who lacks social skills
  • the only difference between you and someone who is confident/social is attitude
  • if you are in a social situation you have a responsibility to be social
  • most people love talking about themselves
  • almost everyone finds small talk awkward and will be grateful someone else has taken the initiative to start conversation.
  • Sometimes you need a couple of goes on different topics to get the convo going.
  • to be an interesting conversationalist you need to be interesting. Have opinions and hobbies, read more, engage with the world. (I HATED this lesson)

In terms of ways to practice - new hobbies, small talk with people at work. If you're single I found dating a great way to practice. After a year on online dating I can now maintain a conversation with almost anyone for an hour comfortably.

DropZoneOne · 05/03/2019 20:44

Copying people who were confident, until my own confidence improved. I still hate having to walk into a room full of people and network, but it's part of my job now. So i stand outside, pull myself up straight, give a little internal peptalk, plaster on a smile and find the first person standing on their own, say hi and ask them about themselves.

lastqueenofscotland · 05/03/2019 20:47

Fake it till you make it

And get some really loud/confident friends you can hide behind of needed

MollysLips · 05/03/2019 20:47

This is weird but I've become 100x more outgoing and less socially shy since I've had a Mirena coil. I thought it was a coincidence but I found something online (that I can't find now!) which said it might cure social anxiety.

The book "How to Win Friends and Influence People" is a classic for a reason, it's FANTASTIC about this subject. People like people who are interested in them, so concentrate on others. Look fascinated, ask questions. Don't worry what you're going to say next.

And please don't forget that everyone is shy, to a certain extent.

MagicSeeker · 05/03/2019 21:02

I felt like this all my life. Then did a Myers-Briggs online personality test because my friend was obsessed with them and wanted to know what I was. Found out I’m an INFJ and a little about what that means. Now I not only accept that I’m an introvert, I’m actively glad to be one and I feel I make sense to myself now somehow. I thought it was claptrap but it’s had a big impact on me. I’d recommend it.

SurgeHopper · 05/03/2019 21:04

Act. Pretend to be that confident person.

SurgeHopper · 05/03/2019 21:04

People like people who are interested in them, so concentrate on others. Look fascinated, ask questions. Don't worry what you're going to say next.

^

This.

CheekyFuckersDontGetPastMe · 05/03/2019 21:07

I’m reading The Chimp Paradox by Prof Steve Peters. It’s based around the way you think and react.

Thewalker75 · 05/03/2019 21:13

Magicseeker I'm infj too! It was a revelation doing that test because with made me realise it was just who I was.

As a child through to late teen I literally didn't speak, was crippled in social occasions. My parents thought there was something really wrong and I think they were always a bit embarrassed.

However, my inside voice knew I wasn't shy and that I needed to get my personality out there, so I continued to put myself in situations that I dreaded. It took about 10 years of forcing myself to go to uni, move to London from a small Devon village, even spent a stint abroad.

If I'm honest I was bit miserable looking back but by doing this and watching how other people dealt with situations I dreaded, I got to the point where I am now. I'm in a senior management position which requires lots of social interaction and whilst I'm not the best I can hold my own and I no longer dread it. I sometimes even enjoy it.

My confidence has also grown massively since becoming a mum weirdly too.

Finally at the age of 38 I now feel like I have a right to be here. I know the learning will continue until I'm old as I will never be the person I really want to be but, it just isn't me.

You can do it op it's worth it!

DoubtOfTheOrdinary · 05/03/2019 22:00

I don't know if I was shy growing up because shyness was part of who I was or because I was a bit nerdy and we moved schools at a couple of socially crucial points, but whatever the reason, I was painfully unconfident and shy until I took a Saturday job at a local cafe aged 18. A bit of responsibility + enforced interaction with the great British public did wonders for my self- and social confidence! Is there any opportunity for you to take on a new role at work that would do similar, OP?