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Original poster

Visiting parents/grandparents

48 replies

WildWinter · 04/03/2019 11:43

If your parents or in-laws don't live locally, how many hours away do they live, and how often do you go and visit them? Do you stay the night, or try and do the whole thing in a day? How do you manage it with babies and children in tow?

I'm just trying to work out if we are being unreasonable/lazy/selfish or not. My in laws have moved a good couple of hours away, a bad drive, and are regularly inviting us to visit. It's never just a visit, there's always a reason which makes it hard to turn down - oh great uncle Jim hasn't met the baby yet, we're having five family members to lunch and they're all looking forward to meeting the baby, it's someone's birthday, that type of thing. If we said we couldn't go, they'd rearrange it to the next weekend so we could go. We're finding it really tiring, and after working all week, it's not an ideal way to spend a weekend. We have a seven month old baby, and one older child. But is a five hour round trip really that bad, or are we being lazy?

So as not to drip feed - in laws decided to move that far away when our first child was a few months old, even though my husband and I repeatedly (but gently) said how it would be nice to have them a bit closer. This makes me feel a bit more resentful than, say, if we had moved away, or they'd always lived there. But that could be wrong of me. Before moving they dismiss our concerns by saying it was an "easy distance", but we don't really find it that easy.

OP posts:
NataliaOsipova · 04/03/2019 11:46

A five hour drive? With a baby? I’d say definitely an overnight stay and therefore something for high days and holidays, not just a family lunch. You should reiterate the point about the distance and their moving away to them. They can’t espect you to behave as though they live round the corner.

Original poster
WildWinter · 04/03/2019 11:49

Thanks for the reply! So it's a five hour round trip. Technically with the pedal on the floor and no bad traffic, it could be done in two hours each way. But is usually more like 2.5hrs each way, and we normally stop because of the baby, too. So five hours of driving in one day if we do it in a day.

OP posts:
RiverTam · 04/03/2019 11:55

FIL lives about a 3 hour drive away, MIL about a 2 hour drive away (with potentially an hour of that through London traffic). I would say we see MIL once every 3-4 months, for a weekend (one night). I would quite like to see more of her but she's pretty busy and also getting on and gets more tired than she admits with visitors.

FIL about the same.

My mum is 90 mins public transport away (still London but other side), I see her once a week/fortnight, but that's because she's unwell - that's a day trip usually. Before she was ill, probably once a month or so.

Out of them all I wish we lived closer to MIL.

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NataliaOsipova · 04/03/2019 11:56

Sorry, I expressed myself badly - I thought that’s what you meant (is 2.5 hours each way), so my earlier comment stands. Five hours in the car is a huge amount for small kids and not something you’d do regularly. Hell - I wouldn’t fancy it myself for no “particular” reason (ie fine for Christmas, a birthday etc, but not just “come for lunch”). And I hate to say it, some kids get worse at travelling as they get older. We often drive 3 or 4 hours to go on holiday in the UK; it’s rare that one of mine will go longer than two hours without needing the loo, being hungry etc....which, while it doesn’t add to the distance, generally adds 45 minutes onto the trip. I don’t think you’d be at all unreasonable to say no, or expect them to come to you most of the time.

Weepingwillows12 · 04/03/2019 11:57

Mine are similar distance away. Big family so lots of events and we do try and go but don't make them all. We almost always stay the night. I would say we average about one visit a month but sometimes it's a couple of visits in a month then nothing for a couple of months. They also come to us a few times a year. It is easier for us to go to them as they have space. They don't make us feel at all obligated to visit though. If we can't go, we don't.

RhodaChrosite · 04/03/2019 11:57

DD and family live 5 hours (each way) away. It’s far easier for me to get the train to them then for them to have to pack all the stuff up for themselves, a toddler and a baby and drive up here, I’d absolutely not expect them to do it in a day or even just overnight as they’d be exhausted. They’d not expect me to visit them for a day or overnight either. It’s a long tiring journey, YANBU.

Weepingwillows12 · 04/03/2019 11:59

I should add, my family are close so see them most weeks as mum helps with childcare. I sometimes do feel bit guilty that my parents see them more.

Original poster
WildWinter · 04/03/2019 12:08

NataliaOsipova Thank you, this is how I'm starting to feel. We will obvious go for birthdays and Christmas, but it's the random trips in-between that make me a bit fed up. And it is make a lot longer by stopping for the children.

My husband drives in the week as his job, so I drive at weekends (our agreement), and after looking after a baby all week I just find it tiring. We had a particularly bad visit before Christmas where the children slept dreadfully (accommodation there isn't great so we were all in together), and MIL seemed quite guilt-trippy afterwards. "Oh, it'll be better next time, IF you come again (sad face)". I don't want to be a bitch because it's my husband's parents, and we do get on well other than this. But my husband finds it hard too, he struggles with not being able to just relax and decompress on the weekend.

Weepingwillows12 we have the same issue with my family living closer, so our children see my parents every week. But that's because we can literally just pop over for dinner and it's no effort. But I don't want to be the evil DIL who's parents see the grandchildren loads more.... But my husband struggles more than me with the sheer slog of going to stay with them, then usually the guilt trip afterwards.

OP posts:
RiverTam · 04/03/2019 12:12

We only have one child but DD (9) is absolutely fine on long car journeys, spend a lot of her time staring out of the window thinking her thoughts. And loo breaks are in and out in 10 minutes.

How often are you talking about going?

AnnaMagnani · 04/03/2019 12:19

5 hours in one day? I wouldn't do that with no children.

Would be every other month with an overnight stay. And honestly they are more portable than you so should be coming to you to help out.

IloveJudgeJudy · 04/03/2019 12:19

Why can't you meet midway for the day? That's what my friend used to do- meet with parents and brother's family midway as one lived SE, one in Wales and one NE.

NataliaOsipova · 04/03/2019 12:27

Just read JudgeJudy’s suggestion - that must be the answer, surely? An hour in the car is fine; is there a nice town/National Trust property halfway between you? That’s perfectly feasible for a weekend afternoon; no hassle about staying over, reasonable drive for the kids etc etc.

Original poster
WildWinter · 04/03/2019 12:31

RiverTam At the moment we go once a month, sometimes once every 3 weeks. We have a lot of other family (and the odd friend!) to see at the weekend, plus my husband often works weekends, so it feels like we never get much free time as a family, then the visit to the in laws crops up again. But admittedly this isn't their fault at all.

IloveJudgeJudy Meeting mid way is often mentioned, but so far has never happened!

I think part of why my husband and I struggle with it, is because we are their only family, and they aren't old old, but time only moves in one direction (FIL is late 70s, MIL is early 70s). There's a strongish chance they will have to move nearer to us eventually in a decade or two (isn't there?). So why not just move nearer to us to begin with? And I know my husband struggles with the fact they moved that far away right after their first grandchild was born. He felt a bit rejected by it. But they are fantastic grandparents and quick to offer childcare. When my husband had an accident (work related) they came to stay locally for two weeks, and seemed in their element seeing our eldest nearly every day.

I think it all boils down to them genuinely thinking a 2 - 2.5hr drive really is an "easy distance", and therefore I'm being a drama queen Sad . If we had a serious conversation with them about coming less because we find it too much with the kids, MIL would be very offended and upset.

OP posts:
superking · 04/03/2019 12:35

Our family (both sides) live 2 1/2 hours away as well. We see them about once a month on average, sometimes we go there, sometimes they come here - we probably travel there about every 2/3 months. We always stay overnight and I would not countenance doing it as a day trip with two small children unless it was a very special occasion.

NataliaOsipova · 04/03/2019 12:36

I think it all boils down to them genuinely thinking a 2 - 2.5hr drive really is an "easy distance", and therefore I'm being a drama queen sad . If we had a serious conversation with them about coming less because we find it too much with the kids, MIL would be very offended and upset.

My mum used to complain like mad about her aunt: “How come it’s “not far” when we go to them, but “a long way” when they come to us?”. This smacks of that. If it’s that easy a distance, why aren’t they coming to you most of the time (as they don’t have small people to transport with all their associated stuff)? I think a serious conversation is the only answer to this - upset MIL or not....

Disfordarkchocolate · 04/03/2019 12:38

For that distance I need to do overnight or I don't drive safely. It would be every 4 months for me including Christmas and birthday visits.

RiverTam · 04/03/2019 12:39

OK, once a month is often enough at that distance. But they do sound like good GPs so maybe this is just something you need to get your head around? But I wouldn't go more often than once a month, I'd encourage them to come and stay if you have the room and I'd do it as an overnighter.

Singlenotsingle · 04/03/2019 12:45

So why can't they visit you? At least alternately? Or have I missed something here?

RedSkyLastNight · 04/03/2019 12:47

My in-laws used to live a similar distance away. We either stayed overnight or left at baby's bedtime (having bathed and put into sleep clothes at in-laws' house). It's a toss up really whether it's easier to stay overnight or do the drive as a day trip.
I think about every month - six weeks is fair but they should come to see you alternate times really.

You have my sympathies because my parents moved from 30 minutes away to 4 hours away. Now that really is impossible as a day trip; but my parents have declared they are too old to travel so the onus is always on us.

NataliaOsipova · 04/03/2019 12:50

I think, if they’re both working, expecting one weekend in every four is ridiculous. It leaves very little time for them to do what they want to as a family. I’d be thinking more like three or four times a year, to be honest....

Original poster
WildWinter · 04/03/2019 12:58

RedSkyLastNight You have my sympathies! That's much worse, and makes me feel stupid for moaning.

Didn't mean to drip feed - they do visit us, usually for a day trip, about as frequently (so once a month). They have even been known to visit just for four hours or less - so more time on the road than even seeing us. It's always "not a bad drive" when they do it. They really make a point of it being an easy distance, which makes me feel even worse (husband thinks they're fibbing to keep the illusion up though). But it must be easier without children and without stopping obviously.

FIL did mention to me the other week how they have a "restful day" to recover after visiting us, as they find the drive and a busy day with the children tiring, but since we both work full time (I'm on mat leave atm) we've never had the option of a lazy day to recover after a weekend of visiting them. Which I think as retired people they don't really understand.

Thanks for the replies, I think from most of the replies, I am being a bit unreasonable and will just have to suck it up. I hate having to deal with the crotchety stressed husband once a month, but that's life!

OP posts:
Weepingwillows12 · 04/03/2019 12:58

I think you will feel better if you say no to visits when you don't want to go but go to the more important stuff like birthdays. It will get harder when your children start clubs etc as you may have genuine commitments every week. Why don't you start saying, no can't come to you this weekend as we have stuff we have to do in the house but you are welcome to come to us. Then the onus is on them.

WhoGivesADamnForAFlakeyBandit · 04/03/2019 12:58

You need to alternate - obviously as it's such an easy drive they won't mind. Especially if you make the turns - yours, theirs, half-way.

And when it's your turn, you feed the kids and bundle them into pjs and leave just before their bedtime.

MrsJonesAndMe · 04/03/2019 13:19

We lie a similar distance and go about 4 times a year. Once a month is ridiculous.

MrsJonesAndMe · 04/03/2019 13:21

*live