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Original poster

Visiting parents/grandparents

48 replies

WildWinter · 04/03/2019 11:43

If your parents or in-laws don't live locally, how many hours away do they live, and how often do you go and visit them? Do you stay the night, or try and do the whole thing in a day? How do you manage it with babies and children in tow?

I'm just trying to work out if we are being unreasonable/lazy/selfish or not. My in laws have moved a good couple of hours away, a bad drive, and are regularly inviting us to visit. It's never just a visit, there's always a reason which makes it hard to turn down - oh great uncle Jim hasn't met the baby yet, we're having five family members to lunch and they're all looking forward to meeting the baby, it's someone's birthday, that type of thing. If we said we couldn't go, they'd rearrange it to the next weekend so we could go. We're finding it really tiring, and after working all week, it's not an ideal way to spend a weekend. We have a seven month old baby, and one older child. But is a five hour round trip really that bad, or are we being lazy?

So as not to drip feed - in laws decided to move that far away when our first child was a few months old, even though my husband and I repeatedly (but gently) said how it would be nice to have them a bit closer. This makes me feel a bit more resentful than, say, if we had moved away, or they'd always lived there. But that could be wrong of me. Before moving they dismiss our concerns by saying it was an "easy distance", but we don't really find it that easy.

OP posts:

dreamingofsun · 04/03/2019 13:29

are they retired or working...sorry i've looked but cant spot any mention. Directly my ILs in similar situation retired husband said better for them to visit us, as they had more spare time than us. Also our house is bigger, their's is tiny.

Once a month for that distance is madness. And it will only get worse as your kids wont want to forgo social events/football etc at home and as they get bigger its harder to fit them in a tiny house

Larrythelamb84 · 04/03/2019 13:45

My mum lives just over half and hour away, and even I find this to be a bit of a pain. So five hours would certainly mean limited visits and an overnight stay.

I have elderly grandparents who have recently moved to a council bungalow literally around the corner. Last summer I was able to walk around and have a bottle of wine with my Nan and a good natter whilst sat in the sunshine, walking back home later. It started to dawn on my mum that I can't do that with her, and I do think she will move closer eventually. In the winter my visiting is reduced simply because I don't like driving in the dark. And in the summer my kids want to be playing out with their friends, not being driven about in a hot car. So I do expect my mum to visit me more often.

If your in laws decided to move further, rather than nearer, I'd be more inclined that they come to you.

KnittingSister · 04/03/2019 13:51

I'd say every other month. When you see them, arrange the next meeting as you leave. Anything that doesn't suit is, 'sorry, that won't work'. Meet halfway as well.
I have vivid memories of a 5 hour journey with a screaming baby and relatives were decidedly unbothered. Look after yourself cos no one else will!

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Original poster

WildWinter · 04/03/2019 14:02

dreamingofsun They are retired, and my MIL was a SAHP/non working anyway before retiring, so I don't think they have any concept of how tiring it is. If my husband says he hasn't had a day to relax in weeks they'll be like "aww that's a shame", but it doesn't seem to actually register.

Last year we had to cut a visit short to attend an event on my side of the family (leave in the morning on Sunday after spending the whole previous day and night there), and my MIL send some guilt-trippy messages to my husband about "it's such a shame you had to cut your visit short". Which I didn't think was fair. Not to drip feed, but they don't have an awful lot going on in their life, so they build up and make a huge deal about us visiting.

Larrythelamb84 To have them live that close is all my husband and I want . But unlike your mum, I'm not sure they will ever "realise" because they're quite stubborn (hence all the "easy distance" stuff).

Noone wants visiting their parents to feel like a chore. It's tough because they're forever making comments about how nice it is that xyz family friend lives a ten minute walk from their grandchildren. My husband finds it quite hurtful. There is literally nothing stopping them from moving closer to their grandchildren. They have no ties to their current village (besides the fact they randomly decided to move there).

OP posts:

dreamingofsun · 04/03/2019 14:13

in that case i think husband needs a chat with them along the lines of....sorry but we are struggling to cope with all this driving and fitting everything in and both of us working. we love to see you and want you to be involved with grandchildren but we are going to need you to visit us more please. that way you can come for a couple of days and chill out after when you get back home.

if he's not prepared to do that then i think i'd be saying to husband that he can visit but i wont be doing each one as have things i need to catch up on at home

Tobebythesea · 04/03/2019 14:16

5 hour trip for lunch with 2 small children? Hell no.

Arowana · 04/03/2019 14:23

My PILs live about 2 hours away and we typically see them approx once every two months, either us going to them or them coming to us. Usually involving an overnight stay, unless DH goes to see them on his own which has happened occasionally.

My parents live closer so we see them a lot more often, but more briefly on each occasion (we'd never go for the whole weekend) so I think it evens out.

Ooplesandbanoonoos · 04/03/2019 14:30

If both you and DH are on the same page it's easier.
May be make a proactive approach and not personal. Maybe DH could say we have been talking....things have been hard with work...We are struggling to get stuff done....kids very tired after busy week etc so we are going to try and keep weekends free as far as possible in terms of visiting people (e.g. not jua6t them). In relation to you guys you are always welcome here and once a month to make sure we see each other lets meet half way.

Byebyefriend · 04/03/2019 14:46

Keep inviting them to yours? At least take turns on who drives so visit them and then make the next one they drive to you. Then come up with eldest really like the local farm and would like to take you or other local place. Invite them for dinner on x date. If they come up with excuses move the date and say it's an easy drive!

Holidayshopping · 04/03/2019 14:50

I think they are being very greedy of your time!

FIL did mention to me the other week how they have a "restful day" to recover after visiting us, as they find the drive and a busy day with the children tiring, but since we both work full time (I'm on mat leave atm) we've never had the option of a lazy day to recover after a weekend of visiting them. Which I think as retired people they don't really understand.

This really needs to be spelled out to them. Preferably by your DH. You need downtime
Together and they need to accept that.

LemonBreeland · 04/03/2019 14:53

I live a similar distance from my parents and visit around 4 times a year. That seems reasonable to me. Every 3 or 4 weeks is too much.

Original poster

WildWinter · 04/03/2019 15:30

Thanks so much everyone for all your responses. They are really helpful. It's nice just to hear I'm not being unreasonable/unfair.

With suggesting they come to us/we meet in the middle/go to a farm instead - this is a great idea. But the invite to theirs is usually presented to us like "we are going to have Aunt Pat and her family to visit, are you free on Jan 3rd?" Then if no, it's "are you free on x" until it's a date we can come. It's organised around us, so short of saying "actually we don't want to come and visit you to have lunch with Aunt Pat, at any time", it's hard to get out of it! This isn't underhand, they openly say they'll organise these things around when we can come. So our free wekeends get booked up. And when one "gathering" is done, the next is always looming.

We will have to start saying "no" when it all becomes too much. It's just hard when you get faced with all the disappointment.

It's reassuring to hear that others visit similar distance relatives only 3 or 4 times a year.

OP posts:

Original poster

WildWinter · 04/03/2019 15:37

Ooplesandbanoonoos This is a good idea, thank you. We might have to book out a month of weekends and say we're keeping them free, just to get a break (especially for my husband, who finds it hardest not having time just us to decompress).

OP posts:

Ancailinalainn · 04/03/2019 15:46

I think you need to gently make it their problem rather than yours. Have an excuse why you can’t come, (or no excuse- just say you can’t come) but offer to host them, and Aunty Pat or whoever, instead.

Just keep doing this.

It’s not as easy as they make out if they need a restful day afterwards, even if they’re not conscious of it.

If they have to deal with the bulk of the inconvenience they may think carefully about their long term plans.

I think you discharge your dil obligations by being warm and welcoming. You’re not doing your dh any favors at the moment, and your dc are likely to resent the journeys as they get older. Better to start gently making changes now.

PurpleCrazyHorse · 04/03/2019 16:08

We have my parents about 3hrs away (one direction) and my mum visits us by train (for the day) about every 6 weeks. We are lucky that mum can afford it and the train is direct. We travel to my parents about 3 times a year. We go to my DH's parents (2.5hr drive one way) maybe 2 times a year and they drive to us maybe once. We Skype them weekly or thereabouts.

Mostly, we meet up December time, late spring and summer. Then extra visits for big birthdays or special occasions.

We have other weekend commitments that make it harder to visit lots. The kids are primary school age and we had swimming lessons on Saturdays, we have commitments at Church and we visit friends too. It makes it easier for us to say we can't see them on x date but can on y date (in 6 weeks time) because that is genuinely when we're available. We do also book out weekends when we're 'busy' but at home iyswim, so we won't visit family then because we want time at home (catching up on house stuff, day trips with the kids etc), it's fine to just say you're vaguely busy, then offer a date in the future. You need your DH on board and preferably a shared calendar so you both offer the same date.

Holidayshopping · 04/03/2019 16:14

I think you need to get in there first quickly and explain this ^^.

They appreciate it’s tiring if they need a rest day afterwards but you simply don’t have that luxury. It’s not fair of them to keep arranging things in your free weekends. Tell them now that you need some down time.

WhoGivesADamnForAFlakeyBandit · 04/03/2019 16:21

"we are going to have Aunt Pat and her family to visit, are you free on Jan 3rd?" Then if no, it's "are you free on x" until it's a date we can come

Yes - we'd love to meet you at X pub/stately home

They've just got no idea anymore about working FT with young kids. If they can't get on board with the concept of "downtime" say you've not had time to go food chopping/cleaning/put a wash on all week. Start a big imaginary DIY or gardening project.

MrsAmaretto · 04/03/2019 16:21

You need to start prioritising your family “down time” before you and your husband burn out. You need to start saying no, your having a weekend to recuperate.

I think once a month at that distance is too much. As your children get older your going to have parties, sport etc locally in the weekend and visits will naturally start to lessen - are they aware that the kids wants will start to be the priority?

mamansnet · 04/03/2019 16:27

Aren't small children supposed to spend a maximum of 1.5 hours in a car seat? Difficult to do five hours return trips in one day with that being the case.

I think you need to tell them you'll be going once every two or three months. If they want to see you more often, they can come to you. Be firm!

BlueMerchant · 04/03/2019 16:32

I couldn't be living like this. You need your time in your own home to relax without thinking about these impending trips.
Next time tell them you will make lunch and Aunt Pat and her family are welcome too as you and your husband are exhausted after a busy week and it's not safe driving when you feel tired.
I'd tell them straight that they are welcome to come to yours and you love to spend time with them but you can't relax thinking about the travel.

Original poster

WildWinter · 04/03/2019 18:54

Thanks everyone, I really appreciate it. We are going to be firm. The "that doesn't work for us, can we do x instead" line will be used! I am particularly worried about my husband getting burnt out so it has to stop.

OP posts:

user1498572889 · 04/03/2019 19:35

My in-laws lived a 3 hour drive away. Before the kids started school we would go to see them every couple of months fri till mon. When the kids were at school we would see them during the holidays during the summer holidays the in-laws would have all 3 kids for 3 weeks. 😁😁

Cockadoodledooo · 05/03/2019 09:31

My parents are about 3 hours away, we try and see them every other month minimum but they come to us probably more often than we go to them. It's tailed off a bit in recent years unfortunately as I have to work weekends now and we can't go midweek unless it's school holidays.
Dh's parents are further away and we see them less often (but that's not just due to distance!). I saw them once last year, dh a couple more times maybe. They don't come to see us (this is our choice now but in the past they rarely did anyway even if invited), but if they're 'down south' visiting other relatives we may meet up halfway somewhere for an afternoon or something. Again this is not often. We didn't visit when our babies were tiny, after the time when ds1 was a couple of months old and the journey took 7.5hours (usually around 4.5).

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