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Original poster

My friend's son is rude and spoilt. She has no idea.

32 replies

OkMaybeNot · 28/02/2019 10:30

My friend's son is the same age as mine, 9 - they go to clubs together and are in the same class at school.

For about a year now my son has told me he doesn't really want to invite him over to play or hang out with him at school anymore, because he doesn't play nicely, gets upset and cries/tantrums to get his own way and has even threatened to hit him if he doesn't do what he wants.

I believe him. When he's been round for tea he's been a nightmare, demanding and rude with no manners and has cried when I've said no to things. I see it. He's never like it in front of his mum.

I'm an absolute coward and have explained this away to my friend, his mum, with excuses ranging from illness to us being busy. Their friendship has fizzled out as a result which my son is very happy about and me and my friend don't speak about it.

However, she seems to be completely oblivious to his behaviour. He does 'play up' for her, as she puts it, but puts this down to him being anxious because he's bullied by 'all the kids in his class'. My son tells me that he's not bullied, he just screams and shouts at people and cries until he's given the ball/a second turn/the lead part in the game - so the kids don't like playing with him.

The teacher seems to have timidly said the same and my friend is absolutely furious and on a real warpath. She wants to take him out of the school because the bullying is 'horrendous' and, this is why I'm posting, suggested to me that my son might be part of the problem.

She said. "ever since and stopped being best friends the bullying has increased. plays with the kids in the class like it doesn't bother him that they're all picking on . Can you have a word with him please"

I've ignored her message. I don't know what to say.

OP posts:
AnneLovesGilbert · 28/02/2019 10:34

Keep ignoring her.

sackrifice · 28/02/2019 10:40

I'd probably say 'Yes you should move him, good thinking'.

lottiegarbanzo · 28/02/2019 10:41

You could just say 'I don't think our boys have been close for a long time now. DS doesn't really talk about '

That is ambiguous enough to indicate that he hasn't noticed any bullying, without stating that there isn't any (which you don't actually know), or that the problem is otherwise. It does imply, clearly enough, that your DS has other friends and won't be playing a 'guardian angel' role with this boy.

Cozynightin · 28/02/2019 10:44

Too one sided to give an opinion I’m afraid .

Positivelypractical · 28/02/2019 10:44

Perhaps you could simply tell her that your son has seen no sign whatsoever of hers being bullied, which is the strict truth anyway.

Original poster
OkMaybeNot · 28/02/2019 10:46

I want to say NO I bloody won't have a word with him, have a word with your own son and stop enabling it.

But I probably won't because I've said nothing until this point and she'll just take it as me protecting my horrible, bullying son and joining the pile on.

This is all over her social media.

OP posts:
lottiegarbanzo · 28/02/2019 10:49

Pull back, create distance, give yourself space. You clearly feel far too close to this. It is not your problem. Do not voluntarily make it your problem.

sonjadog · 28/02/2019 10:49

I think I would go with something non-committal about how children's friendships can wax and wane.

Original poster
OkMaybeNot · 28/02/2019 10:56

Pull back, create distance, give yourself space. You clearly feel far too close to this.

That's maybe good advice. Yeah I do. She is a nice person and a decent friend, and she talks to me about it a lot. I feel involved when I shouldn't be.

OP posts:
pictish · 28/02/2019 11:11

“I’m sorry that (her son) is having a tough time at school. I can understand that it’s upsetting for both of you. I’m afraid I am unable to help regarding his friendship with (your son) as obviously it’s his own choice who he plays with. (Your son) says he hasn’t noticed (her son) being singled out so isn’t able to offer any insight.
I can only suggest taking this up with (Headteacher). I hope you can work together to sort this issue out. Good luck xx”

ScarletBitch · 28/02/2019 11:13

Tell her the truth, if my DC was behaving like this I would like to know!

editingfairy · 28/02/2019 11:15

This is all over her social media.

Oh dear, this will not go well.
I'd ignore.

pictish · 28/02/2019 11:16

Noooo. ‘The truth’ is a last resort. She won’t hear it, won’t accept it and will regard it as a personal attack.

lottiegarbanzo · 28/02/2019 11:17

I just think she needs to hear it from the teacher and elsewhere and to piece together her own picture. Wanting to do that is a choice for her to make.

Otherwise, if you plunge in with 'the truth' as you see it, she will shoot the messenger and your friendship will be over.

Remember, for all that you do know and that your DS's account is consistent with your experience, you are not present at school and have not observed that situation through your own, adult, eyes.

So I think you need to 'distance your DS from hers' in your conversations with her, so she stops seeing him as relevant. (If you succeed in that, you can continue being friends and chatting about this, without feeling yourself to be directly involved). You could encourage her to talk and listen to the teacher.

BlueMerchant · 28/02/2019 11:34

I'd have to tell her to stop involving my son in it all. They are not good friends- friendships change esp in primary. Her son's issues are nothing to do with your son. Your son enjoys playing with the other kids and shouldn't be made to feel guilty for it. It's nothing to do with him.Dont allow her to drag you and him into it. Tell her now before she starts saying it's your son that's instigating it. I had a 'friend' who tried to involve my son in something like this. I keep my distance now.

BlingLoving · 28/02/2019 11:41

Honestly, just be honest. Say, "DS doesn't play with your son because he finds his behaviour difficult and doesn't see any bullying going on at school." She won't believe you as she thinks her son is the victim, but so be it.

She might learn eventually. I have a family member whose child was a complete prat to DS and really very bullying. But she didn't see it. Interestingly, she's made a few comments recently that show she is seeing that her son's behaviour is not okay. Of course, it's because he behaves that way to lots of people, not just DS, but she's starting to see it.

QuietlyQuaffing · 28/02/2019 12:18

Let school deal with what happens in school.

You both only have your own child's perspective. Friend's son sees the leaving out etc as unreasonable and therefore your son is being mean. Your son sees his actions (leaving out etc) as reasonable because of the other boy's unreasonable behaviour earlier. But the other boy, in his head, may have been acting like that as a response to something your son did, which he perceived as unreasonable and which therefore make his own actions reasonable.

It's like "he hit me!" "She pulled my hair first!" "Only cos he lunged at me!" "I only did that because she growled at me" "I only did that because he said I was horrible" "You were horrible, you called me smelly" "I only said you were smelly because you took my pencil without asking" " I did ask, you ignored me"... Both sides feel justified in their own actions, and that the other party is being mean.

I'm no expert and I'm not saying that true bullying doesn't exist, or that this is your son's fault. Just that it's more complicated than that. This boy probably has reasons for his recent behaviour (could be to do with friends, could be something totally different) and may need help with dealing with it. This is school's job, not yours.

With your friend I would steer her solidly towards school and only meet her without the boys. I think some comment along the lines of "yes they both seem to be struggling with each other at the moment" might be ok. If she says "but your DS is clearly mistreating mine" then you shut it down with "ah DS is just the same. Hopefully school will help them sort it out." and change the subject. Best to carry on mutually avoiding the topic as much as possible, though.

Original poster
OkMaybeNot · 28/02/2019 12:57

No that's true, I may not be getting the full story. I am only going by what I've seen of his behaviour and what DS tells me. He could be being bullied for all I know.

The boys aren't arguing or anything, by the way. They just don't play together. They still chat when they see eachother etc. I'm confident that if there is bullying going on, DS isn't involved - she would've said, I think. The issue seems to be that he gets along with the children that her son doesn't get along with.

OP posts:
Original poster
OkMaybeNot · 28/02/2019 13:00

It's all a bit petty written down innit. Jesus Confused

I am clearly overthinking.

OP posts:
PinkCrayon · 28/02/2019 13:01

I think you should tell her everything you wrote in your first post.

TheInvestigator · 28/02/2019 13:02

Just be honest. Tell her what you've said here.

It doesn't sound like your friendship is going to remain solid anyway. The boys are no longer friends. If that was my son, I would want to know what he was doing. She obviously doesn't want to hear it from.the teacher, or doesn't believe it. A second source might make her take a second look at her son's behaviour, it also might make her more angry but her reaction is her choice. You should just give her the facts.

Adeste · 28/02/2019 13:07

I agree that you should give her the facts.

I’m reading through the prism of having a child with sn, and

Clutterbugsmum · 28/02/2019 13:07

I don't think you are over thinking this, because you know that your friend will not see that it's her son's behaviour that is causing these issues. So it doesn't matter what you say she will not believe you. You will just become one of the many voices saying that her son behaviour needs addressing. As in her mind her son is well behaved.

I would just ignore her for now, but if she pushes the point about your DS not playing with her anymore just tell her that your son is just playing with different friends and you will not be interfering in his friendships.

Adeste · 28/02/2019 13:09

...and those things you said about wanting to have the first go, hitting when not getting his way, poor social skills are all things that can be helped with the right support. But someone has to recognize the problems before they can be fixed

CanoeDoYouThinkYouAre · 28/02/2019 13:16

Honestly, it doesn't matter what you say to her.

In my experience these parents will never accept their child being the perpetrator and not the victim. She could see his behaviour with her own eyes but will make excuse after excuse.

I'd stay right out of especially if she's a Facebook warrior.