My friend's son is rude and spoilt. She has no idea.

[OkMaybeNot]

My friend's son is the same age as mine, 9 - they go to clubs together and are in the same class at school.

For about a year now my son has told me he doesn't really want to invite him over to play or hang out with him at school anymore, because he doesn't play nicely, gets upset and cries/tantrums to get his own way and has even threatened to hit him if he doesn't do what he wants.

I believe him. When he's been round for tea he's been a nightmare, demanding and rude with no manners and has cried when I've said no to things. I see it. He's never like it in front of his mum.

I'm an absolute coward and have explained this away to my friend, his mum, with excuses ranging from illness to us being busy. Their friendship has fizzled out as a result which my son is very happy about and me and my friend don't speak about it.

However, she seems to be completely oblivious to his behaviour. He does 'play up' for her, as she puts it, but puts this down to him being anxious because he's bullied by 'all the kids in his class'. My son tells me that he's not bullied, he just screams and shouts at people and cries until he's given the ball/a second turn/the lead part in the game - so the kids don't like playing with him.

The teacher seems to have timidly said the same and my friend is absolutely furious and on a real warpath. She wants to take him out of the school because the bullying is 'horrendous' and, this is why I'm posting, suggested to me that my son might be part of the problem.

She said. "ever since and stopped being best friends the bullying has increased. plays with the kids in the class like it doesn't bother him that they're all picking on . Can you have a word with him please"

I've ignored her message. I don't know what to say.

I would maybe reply something like...
"Sorry to hear this. I don't feel My Son can really solve this -not least because their friendship has gone off the boil a bit lately. Do you think you could speak to again, or the head teacher ?"

The class teacher will have an overview of all the children and know if there is bullying- or whether they just dont like your friend's child because of his behaviour. Maybe her timid response indicates there is a bit of 'wrong' on both 'sides'? (Not necessarily your child.)

YANBU to want your son left out of this (if the accusations of bullying are indeed baseless), but the crying, here, is unusual and suggests this is not just a matter of being 'rude and spoilt' and of this boy making all of his difficulties for himself. She needs to be steered towards the school for help with him, and she needs to understand it will help nobody to deflect the issues onto other children, but this isn't a simple case of 'mum of "that" kid'.

CanoeDoYouThinkYouAre 's comments seem spot on.

In my experience these parents will never accept their child being the perpetrator and not the victim. She could see his behaviour with her own eyes but will make excuse after excuse.

I've tried being honest with parents about their children and even though I've been right in what I've said - it doesn't help the friendships. One boy did eventually end up with a diagnosis but I was viewed as being non-supportive for suggesting her son perhaps needed additional support and not immediately blaming the other children he was falling out with.

I think that as a friend you should try to be honest about the situation but it hardly ever goes down well.

Your friend is involving you when it's actually nothing to do with you or your DS, as your DS now has other friendships he prefers to concentrate on. So I'm not surprised you're overthinking it.

I don't think you can do anything about this. She's unlikely to come to you asking why all this is happening, so you can't really say anything. All I would say is "I don't know anything about what's happening in school". Because you don't really, just hearsay from your DS.

Children usually don't have the tools or strategies to deal with classmates who behave in a way they wouldn't, so their responses to your friend's DS isn't surprising. Your friend's best bet to ask school for a meeting and discuss what support there is, what can be tried to alleviate the problems, etc. I can't see that happening if the teacher has been castigated for suggesting friend's DS is the one with issues, but a proactive, sensible approach from the mum is the only way the issues will be resolved.

*Honestly, it doesn't matter what you say to her.

In my experience these parents will never accept their child being the perpetrator and not the victim. She could see his behaviour with her own eyes but will make excuse after excuse.

I'd stay right out of especially if she's a Facebook warrior.*

I have had the experience you have had op. I agree with canoe above. In my case, nothing I could do would change anything at all. Speak to the school about social media. Ours sent an email round saying it was completely unacceptable for parents to be discussing other children on social media.

I would reply and say 'I have spoken to ds and he insists he isn't involved. You need to speak to the school about this rather than me' - then every single time she says anything to you, reiterate that she needs to speak to the school. Just like a broken record.

Don't entertain her notions. If the boys no longer have a friendship then she shouldn't be dragging your Ds into it. If she pushes you further, simply suggest that it's up to the school to deal with any bullying issues and that if she feels your Ds is bullying her Ds then she needs to say it.

Urgh-, sounds like the 'bullying" is actually your DS just not playing with her's!
Not much you can do, some people are just blind to their DC's behaviour I'm afraid.