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Original poster

Disappointed with Headmaster

36 replies

chandylier · 27/02/2019 17:49

Ds hates school atm.
He's y6
I'm happy there's no bullying, he is just really bored. Class has done nothing but tests over the last couple of months. Major focus on getting them through the entrance exam for the senior school. They acknowledge that they push them hard. That's over with now.
Ds still crying and I'm exhausted trying to persuade him to go to school.
On Monday he was half an hour late and I went in and told the TA about these issues and how he's really upset, crying for hours and nothing I can say can help him.
She was lovely. Tried to reassure him that there's no more tests and that class will get back in track with normal stuff.
He seemed happier.
Now the Head, who is also his class teacher, told a few of them off today, they have to miss 2 breaks. The headmaster told him that he's been grumpy since he got back from half term and that 'this is school, you just need to get over it'
So now I'm back to square1, he hates the teacher and doesn't want to go in.

OP posts:
Original poster
chandylier · 27/02/2019 17:50

I don't want to be the parent that is up there complaining that her snowflake child is upset, but when the child is crying and distressed about going to school, surely I need to address it

OP posts:
DeloresJaneUmbridge · 27/02/2019 17:54

He’s not a snowflake if he is this upset. I’d be going in and talking to them about how he is and asking for support

Why did they get told off?

Original poster
chandylier · 27/02/2019 17:56

For talking in a presentation
He's also up in arms about it, because he said he didn't talk, his friend behind him was talking.

He doesn't really get told off.

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spaghettipeppers · 27/02/2019 18:19

With my teacher hat on, he's developed Y6-itis and is blatantly 'too cool for school'.

Tell him to get on with it and don't indulge the use of the word 'bored'.

WeMarchOn · 27/02/2019 18:22

My daughter is in Yr and the pushing they are getting for sats is awful

WinnieTheW0rm · 27/02/2019 18:25

Well, e did get told off, and rightly so. By year6 (10/11 years old) he should know better than to do that, and will surely have seen others being sanctioned for similar. I think you need to be bracing on that one.

If you need to work with the school way he's making a fuss about going at all, then make an appointment for that and stick to the point. First thing will be to find out how he is once there -because it is so very unlikely that he's tearful there.

I suspect he's playing you.

DeloresJaneUmbridge · 27/02/2019 18:26

A kid crying for hours is not indulging in Y6 itis.....just saying and I’d be concerned about any teacher who dismissed a distressed child with such a comment.

ReaganSomerset · 27/02/2019 18:27

Boredom isn't a reason to cry at age 10/11. It's a fact of life and he needs to get used to it- boredom levels only increase from here on out.

Either there is a bigger issue that needs dealing with or he does need to get over it.

LeekMunchingSheepShagger · 27/02/2019 18:29

Crying because he's bored? If that's genuinely his main reason for being upset he actually does need to get over it and get on with it. I'd be worried that there's something else going on though...his reaction is extreme.

GetTheStartyParted · 27/02/2019 19:14

Why was he half an hour late? Perhaps getting him to school on time despite his protests would help you in the long run. I listen to my Y6's concerns and upsets but would not let him miss half an hour of school.
I don't think that the head teacher behaved inappropriately.

Original poster
chandylier · 27/02/2019 19:23

He was half an hour late because I spent 2 hours trying to get him there

OP posts:
GetTheStartyParted · 27/02/2019 19:25

I thought that might be your answer.

ReadingwithTea · 27/02/2019 20:39

Keep giving him the support that you are giving him. You have managed to get him to school, even if he was late, and you have spoken to the TA, which is indeed being supportive. He is clearly distressed and needs you. I think you’re doing a great job - this must be hard for you too.

He is only young, and I think your support will help give him strength. He will know that you will always be there to help him. Keep talking to him.

Also, maybe have a chat with his teacher - perhaps not with regards to the presentation incident; more to just let him know that your son is struggling and the moment.

I hope your son feels better and happier about school soon.

Original poster
chandylier · 27/02/2019 23:11

I seem to have posted this twice, sorry

He's not crying cos he's bored, he's crying because he can't bear the thought of another test.

He's honestly not playing me, he is very upset.
He is blowing it all out of proportion, but his distress is real, and I think sobbing because you don't want to go to school is quite a big deal.
I think we've all underestimated the impact of these tests.
He thinks it's unfair he got told off cos he wasn't talking, but actually he was listening and he hasn't heard what the presenter asked him. I'm ok with the telling off.
I guess I'm thinking that the TA told the teacher and he thinks he should get over it.
Or he's oblivious
But either way he's noticed that Ds demeanour has changed since he got back after half term and his response is to tell him to get over it. That's the bit I'm upset with.

I don't want this to be about Ds getting told off, it's about him not being happy at school

OP posts:
cestlavielife · 27/02/2019 23:36

If genuinely distressed he needs help . Gp psychologist... before it gets worse
Look up emotionally based school refusal/avoidance e.g.
westsussex.local-offer.org/information_pages/460-emotionally-based-school-avoidance

Original poster
chandylier · 27/02/2019 23:58

Just reading that and now I'm crying.
He's been through a lot
His Dad died a couple of years ago
We moved to be closer to family, his idea and we've all thought he's settled really well.
Maybe not

OP posts:
jellycatspyjamas · 28/02/2019 00:07

It could well be that the tests are bringing up worries about yet another big change with the move to senior school, so he may have settled well but just reached the limit of his capacity to cope with change. I’d be clear that school attendance isn’t negotiable but would also withdraw him from any further tests - they can surely work out his academics with what they’ve got thus far.

It might also be worth doing a bit of a timeline with him of all the things that have changed starting with his dads death, it’ll help you both understand what he’s reacting to, and might also help conversations with the school.

dreaming174 · 28/02/2019 00:23

When I taught in the UK, I felt so sorry for the Y6s at my school. It WAS boring, it was relentless testing, and for what? They seemed to get no break from the monotony of it. No wonder kids hate school. Now as a teacher, I try to make sure if I'm doing testing, I balance it with crafts and artwork. As a teacher though, it's easy to get sucked in to the pressure of good test results! And forget their just kids. I'd have a chat with the teacher and tell him how your kid is feeling. If a parent told me that I'd be mortified a child in my class was so unhappy.

RockinHippy · 28/02/2019 02:21

He sounds very anxious poor lad, I'm Hmm at his teachers attitude & some on this thread too.

My DD went through this too & practically had a nervous breakdown thanks to a similarly sounding yr 6 teacher. She wasn't a school refuser, but she was absolutely crushed by the weight of tests & looming SATs, magnified by a difficult bully of a teacher. She went on to be diagnosed with anxiety disorder as a symptom of other medical conditions. Hormones & the huge stress she felt over tests, pressure from the teacher who was more concerned about marks, than child welfare, not sleeping & sobbing all of the time ended up with us pulling her out of the school until a place could be found elsewhere. We'd also suffered a close bereavement

It was the best thing we could have done for her. She's now year 11 & on target for good GCSEs. Talk to the school, but if you get no joy, don't be afraid to do what's best for him

Good luck

cestlavielife · 28/02/2019 07:22

Did he get bereavement therapy?
Get him to CAMHS.
It is behaviour that is communicating something more than "bored"

GetTheStartyParted · 28/02/2019 08:38

Sorry if my answer was abrupt.
As a child, I went through a bereavement and something else traumatic very close together. I used to get upset and often cried right before school.

My grandmother made sure I was at school on time everyday, got the support I needed and though the effects lasted for years, I knew that I would be required to go to school and do what I could.

I hope that you manage to find some answers and the correct support for your DS. From your OP it seemed as though it was purely down to the tests and the head teacher. There clearly is much more going on.

crimsonlake · 28/02/2019 09:18

Your poor son and I am really surprised by a teachers unsympathetic comments on here. In the whole year in yr 6 they push them really hard to perform well in Sats, no wonder your son is distressed. It is all about results and how it reflects well on the school. No doubt the head is under stress and a great deal of pressure to deliver if he is teaching as well. He clearly cares little about your son's mental health, please try and get him a doctors appointment and take it from there.

waterrat · 28/02/2019 09:43

wow what depressing answer here OP.

Life gets more boring from here on??? Jesus wept what are we doing to our children.

He is a 10/11 year old - full of energy, enthusiasm for life - still a child. And we think he should just 'knuckle down' and be bored like we adults all are.

what a joke our education system is.

OP I am FULLY in agreement that pushing kids this age is a miserable and horrible waste of their youth and energy. If it was me I would go in and say this to teachers and head.

Or in real radical circumstances I would pull him out and HE. And I don't say that lightly - but his mental health is important.

How have we got to a situation in the UK where children weeping with boredom and stress about school is normal.? WHat sort of life do these kids have ahead of them?

cestlavielife · 28/02/2019 10:12

Get him to a psychologist. He may be telling you it's "boredom."or.the "tests but the real.reason may be something completely different.
He has had a bereavement and is struggling.
He needs help.you need support to understand and help him.
a good therapist will get to.the root of what it is (but it is going to take time) and give you and him tools to.move forward and be resilient and yes deal with school tests boredom...
Focus less on school and more on getting your child to a psychologist or therapist

Original poster
chandylier · 28/02/2019 11:07

More tears this morning
And I didn't really handle it well.
But it seems there is another issue, he's feeling pressure to fit in. In his old school, he'd been there since reception and he was popular. Here the boys are tougher and cooler and it seems naughty is cool.
I have discussed this previously with the HM.

It's hard trying to figure out just how far his dad dying affects things. Sometimes it's irrelevant, but it's really at the core of a lot of his emotions.
At the very least he's had a lot of upset and change over the last couple of years. But that doesn't give him a pass for the rest of his life. It's never been an excuse to behave badly.
Maybe I'm too harsh. 95% of the time we have a nice time, he's happy. We spend a lot of time together

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