Really struggling with my parents constant offensive views. How to handle this?..

[Skinniesandconverse]

Hi,

First off, everyone is entitled to their own opinion and I don't expect everyone to agree with me BUT....

I am finding it increasingly difficult to keep my mouth shut when I'm around my parents and they very loudly, voice their usually very offensive opinions. Particularly my mum.

They'll usually tick at least one of the sexist, racist, homophobic (I'm in a same sex relationship!) or all of the above, boxes whenever I see them and we always seem to be on the verge of an argument, which is really upsetting, because I love them to pieces. They're good people, but to be brutally honest, they can drive me mad and they definitely seem to be getting worse with age.

My mum would think nothing of announcing that masculine women turn her stomach, in public or suggest that all people of a certain culture are the same etc. I'm actually not going to mention the worst, because quite frankly, I'm ashamed.

Overall, I enjoy their company and we can all get on well, but I worry that one of these days I'll lose it and we'll properly fall out.

Their attitude is toxic tbh. They're very angry, resentful people who will instantly pick out the bad. Everyone's an idiot in their eyes basically and they bounce off each other with their negatively.

I find myself taking a lot of long, deep breaths to stop myself reacting, but sometimes it doesn't work and I have to say something.

Can anyone relate? How do you handle it?

TIA

I treat people like that as the deluded idiots they are
So I roll my eyes or laugh. With a certain family member me and DH look at each other and smile in a “they’re off again” way
The other tactic is to treat them as if they are slightly senile

Have you told them how bad they are?

My Mum would come out with the self-pitying "I'd be better not speaking", when challenged. I'd just answer with, "yes, if you've got nothing nice to say".

I was LC with my Mother for years. Oddly she mellowed with age and needing us.

I did a charity race on Sunday and my mum and dad (who to be frank are not the slimmest, never exercise, and constantly are on diets) were rather vocally saying quite unkind things about some of the larger ladies who were there in their running gear getting ready to run. I was really embarrassed, plus I was mortified that one of them might hear them and think it was me or that I agreed.

I'd never really experienced it before, and if I hadn't been nervously psyching myself up to race, I'd have challenged them. No advice OP but I empathise. I wonder if like a pp said, it's a sign of senility. It definitely makes them seem cantankerous and old fashioned.

I'm increasingly noticing my parents are judgemental and at times downright rude about others. It's unpleasant. Apart from anything else, it doesn't actually affect them in any way.

You say ‘they are good people’ yet their attitudes suggest otherwise. Personally I’d have to draw a line in the sand. They can have their views but not voice them in front of me. How does your partner feel?

My mum came along to my daughters sports day when she was still at pre-school and loudly remarked about how fat a baby was whilst the mother was standing next to us. I adore my mum but I really dislike how judgemental she is regarding the appearances of others and how bloody rude she can be shouting out her unwanted opinions within earshot of them, its highly embarassing but you can't tell my mum anything! I'm just "over sensitive" apparently. I just completely ignore her now when she does anything like this, pretend that I don't know her!

I swear my Dad is turning into Prince Phillip. He just doesn't care - there is no filter when they go past 80.
I tell him off every time and say that's not appropriate.
I would say racist comments are few and far between - it's the Fat shaming which is the worst by far.

It doesn't really make a difference but I was just wondering: Do your parents know you are gay and in a gay relationship? How do they act towards your partner?

there is no filter when they go past 80.

This isn't necessarily the case. Not at all. Many older people (like my mum) are open-minded and interested in personal development and learning new things.

I have to admit she can be a bit too loud sometimes though - probably because she doesn't hear quite as well.

I'm no longer in contact with my parents but they were like this. Strangely they only said inappropriate things in private to me and my partner. To people they worked with they pretended to be very open minded with a live and let live take on life, so they obviously knew it was unacceptable.

When they said racist, homophobic or any type of negative comment, I used to pull them up on it. I tried to just let it go sometimes but it bothered me too much most of the time It caused lots of arguments where I was called 'over sensitive' and a 'do gooder'. They had issues with anyone who they deemed as doing better than them or anyone who earnt too much as well.

Life is definitely easier now I'm no contact although this wasn't the main reason for me going NC.

I could have written this post! My DM says hideous things that my DB and I are constantly telling her off for. She is absolutely a racist, but cannot stand the expression and gets very offended when I tell her this. She is particularly harsh about Muslim people which I find an utter disgrace, especially considering two of her best friends are Muslim (but apparently are 'the exception to the rule').

I am out of ideas on how to educate her out of it, but we do not speak about politics and every time she says something offensive I tell her so. She knows I disagree but sometimes I feel like she says things just to wind me up!

As a p.s. she is an avid Daily Fail reader

(and sometimes deliberately) embarrasses me in public and in private. He's definitely got worse with age and as a PP said, it seems like some people lose their filters as they age!

My Dad frequently (and sometimes deliberately) embarrasses me with his comments both in private and public. I disagree strongly with him on a number of subjects, but he's in very poor health and I know I won't have him for much longer, so I just try to love him, warts and all. I think being ill makes him more irascible too as he's often not feeling well.

He's not going to change now and there's no point trying to make him. If he were younger and in good health, I'd challenge him more - I do discuss some of his views with my DCs and we don't accept them.

Sorry, posted part of the first paragraph twice..arggh.

My MIL and my own dad can be like this. MIL (who has short hair, incidentally) asked me if I thought keeping DD's hair short would make her gay, and she is always of the view that gay men are all effeminate, etc. Every now and again DP will pull her up on things and she'll look shocked and say she 'didn't mean it like that'. I think she genuinely doesn't compute that we're in a same-sex relationship when she says these things. And, of course, you can't get a council house these days without blacking up, and these Eastern Europeans are all coming over here claiming benefits (she's ethnically Polish and has been on benefits for decades). Etc etc.

My dad is less outspoken because he'd love to imagine he's a modern, liberal, middle-class type and prejudice is for the working classes (so much to unpick there). But he still quite honestly believes that if people he knows find out he has a lesbian daughter they'll react differently to him, so he gets uncomfortable if I mention it in public.

I don't know what you do. Sometimes I challenge things and sometimes I don't have the energy. I do think you ought to challenge things if they are hurting your DP, because it's harder to challenge in-laws than parents. But ultimately, you probably can't change them.

Thanks for all your replies.

My dp is very much part of their lives now and whereas they struggled initially, they soon realised how amazing she was and are very used to seeing us together. However, she'll still say blatantly homophobic things in front of both of us, such as, if she sees a gay couple on an advert, which is actually quite rare, she'll say something along the lines of "oh how pc, another box ticked there then" and I do challenge her on that. I don't understand how a woman who has seen us face prejudice on various levels, who is supposed to love me, could somehow dislike our community being acknowledged! It's really lovely to see, from our point of view! But for her, it's very much "well you two are fine, but that's it". I also had a black bf and a Muslim bf when I was in my mid-late teens and my parents wouldn't actually let them in the house!! Just remembered that.

I try so hard to bite my tongue, as sometimes we just spent the entire time we see them in a confrontation, but as I said, some things I just can't let go.

I do still believe they're good people, but I think they almost take comfort in being so negative and prejudice. It's like a little bubble they live in, just my mum, dad and a copy of the Daily Fail.

My MIL is the same (I nicknamed her Alf Garnett very early on in our relationship!).

I call her out every single time. I don’t want DS hearing that kind of bile, although DS12 has actually started calling her out himself now! She told him he was disrespectful to her last week as he told her she was racist when she was having a rant about all the African people that she perceived to be taking all the houses, Drs appointments etc.

I could have written the original post too. My parents are lovely in that they are kind, generous, very moral and have many of the correct values in life. They were and are very caring parents who gave me an excellent childhood.

But yes, especially with my mum, the constant negativity, bigotry, prejudice, and general unpleasantness just wears me down. I'd say she is not getting any better with age but I don't think it's an age thing per se as (i) she has always been like this and (ii) I know plenty of 80 years olds who are sunny, upbeat and very forward thinking.

I realise that they're elderly now and I'm trying not to let every hour I spend with them turn into an argument, although it very easily could as it literally takes about 7 seconds before something is said that I find entirely objectionable. Not to mention the seeing the worst in everyone, being so intolerant of anyone that is not exactly like her, and just generally being angry all the time about something. It's very very wearing. I bite my tongue an awful lot but I do have to call her out on things.

What really saddens me is that I talk to other elderly women and they're just so cheery and fun and interesting, and we can have such lovely chats, then I see my own mum and it's all rage and prejudice and negativity at a time when I'm aware we might not have that many more years left to chat to each other at all. What can you do? I mean, she quite likes Trump, FFS.

So many experiences of the same... I have to say it really eats me up that I don't challenge every remark, but I just find it exhausting. Is that really bad? I can't tell anymore.

The line in my sand is offensive remarks in front of the children. I make a point of always challenging those as I don't want my children thinking it's acceptable in any way or that Mummy agrees.

I totally empathise. Does your mum really understand that homophobic remarks are a direct attack on you and your DP? It seems obvious but if you're used to letting it go, she's probably not realised it's hurtful and thinks you respect her opinion. I think I'd have to say something on that one, for the sake of your partner.

but apparently are 'the exception to the rule

If I had a pound for every time my parents said this...

Lurkingfromhome your post really resonates and is so well written. I agree. Essentially, it's just really sad and depressing.

Mine are like this but are in their late 50s, I'm so embarrassed by their views and we are very lo contact as a result.

I can't help but call them out and apparently I'm the one with issues because I "always have to start an argument".

I also had a black bf and a Muslim bf when I was in my mid-late teens and my parents wouldn't actually let them in the house!!

My goodness that is dreadful!

My MIL is very similar, she once had a gay man in her house and she threw his cup away when he'd gone, as she thought she might catch aids. DH and I challenge her on things like this and tell her she's being totally racist/homophobic. She just shrugs it off but at least we've had our say.
We've also started to ignore her, she is obviously a UKIP and Brexit supporter and knows we are firm Remainers. Despite telling her we will not discuss politics with her, she will try to talk about Brexit.
When she does inevitably start talking about it, we now remind her we are not engaging then when she carries on, we just get up and walk away. That is very effective at shutting her up!

We spend a lot less time with her than we should, which is her loss.

Did they vote for brexit ?

jumpyfroglet - yes, I'm also the one who always has to start an argument. Well, don't come into my house, sit down and immediately start banging on about immigrants, and I won't!

HeyPesto - thank you. Yes, it's sad, isn't it? I don't want the memories I have of my mum to be of a permanently cross woman always with a gripe about something and a ton of awful prejudices.

It isn't age. My DM is quite open minded. It's some of my younger relatives who are not!