Really struggling with my parents constant offensive views. How to handle this?..

[Skinniesandconverse]

Hi,

First off, everyone is entitled to their own opinion and I don't expect everyone to agree with me BUT....

I am finding it increasingly difficult to keep my mouth shut when I'm around my parents and they very loudly, voice their usually very offensive opinions. Particularly my mum.

They'll usually tick at least one of the sexist, racist, homophobic (I'm in a same sex relationship!) or all of the above, boxes whenever I see them and we always seem to be on the verge of an argument, which is really upsetting, because I love them to pieces. They're good people, but to be brutally honest, they can drive me mad and they definitely seem to be getting worse with age.

My mum would think nothing of announcing that masculine women turn her stomach, in public or suggest that all people of a certain culture are the same etc. I'm actually not going to mention the worst, because quite frankly, I'm ashamed.

Overall, I enjoy their company and we can all get on well, but I worry that one of these days I'll lose it and we'll properly fall out.

Their attitude is toxic tbh. They're very angry, resentful people who will instantly pick out the bad. Everyone's an idiot in their eyes basically and they bounce off each other with their negatively.

I find myself taking a lot of long, deep breaths to stop myself reacting, but sometimes it doesn't work and I have to say something.

Can anyone relate? How do you handle it?

TIA

Unfortunately my mother was like this in her later years, though I think she was like this all the time but then lost her ability to keep quiet.
The upshot of her unpleasant attitudes was that my children wouldn't visit her.
She had little contact with them in her last 12 years

My MIL was like this (she’s well into her 80s now and has dementia, so we let any off-beam remarks slide now).

But back in the day...my goodness, it was hard work!

She was homophobic (she actually said ‘it’s Adam and Eve, not Eve & Eve’ to my lesbian best friend and her wife...in front of their daughter...at MY birthday party..)

She was xenophobic (despite her being black Caribbean and an immigrant in the 50s to London, and my parents being Irish immigrants to London). She was always pulling out stories about criminal Eastern European gangs from the Mail - she loved the Mail! - and telling us we should move to an area with ‘fewer Poles and Albanians’, as they are ‘born thieves’.

She also thought it was a complete travesty that I was a ‘career woman’ and had low housework standards (ie. me and DH both work and share the housework).

I’ll be honest, OP. I spent years getting cross with her ...and 90% of my outbursts were wasted energy. I did have some success on the homophobic front by telling her calmly but firmly (after the Eve & Eve incident) that she was entitled to her opinion, but she was never to make my friends or guests feel uncomfortable in my own home again.

Never did get her to stop being an anti immigration Mail reader though .

“We've also started to ignore her, she is obviously a UKIP and Brexit supporter”

Oh dear you sound very narrow minded yourself. Perhaps a good look in the mirror and some self reflection wouldn’t go amiss.

My in-laws are like this and it's really depressing. They don't make homophobic comments, but they more than make up for it with their racist, ageist and fattist views. They are actually quite overweight themselves, but constantly make comments about others, including my DH. Also, the usual - immigrants are ruining the country, they're only here to rape us all (?), we should leave refugees to perish in their home countries. They saw a black refugee on the news and were disgusted because "a coloured person is a coloured person, not a Syrian!".
They read the Mail and the Torygraph. They believe that you don't know anything about life until you're over 50, that children don't play outside anymore (when I pointed out some children playing near my house, they said their parents had probably locked the door so they couldn't get back in), and that the Imperial system is superior to this Metric nonsense. 🙄
I really get on well with them outside of these issues, but it's increasingly difficult to think of them as "nice people", the more they show their true colours.
It kind of feels good to know that I'm not alone in this!

It isn’t always older people though is it. That’s a very ageist view. My 9 year old GD was called the n word and a slag by a teenager just this week. There’s bigots of all ages and ethnicities and political persuasions.

It's not that anyone is being ageist - we're talking very specifically about our own parents, their objectionable views and how best to challenge them, or even if that's the best thing to do. It's more of a chat about how to maintain a goodish relationship with often elderly parents when they hold views so much at odds with our own and bring an intolerance and negativity to everything that makes things difficult.

I don't think anyone has said this is the preserve of old people - it really isn't. It's just that we're exploring how these attitudes affect family dynamics and how best to deal with them without turning every conversation into a raging argument.

Either my Mum has been doing this more, or I’ve just been noticing it more. I don’t bother trying to tackle the dodgy opinions, but I do call her out on her constant nastiness, I just say, god do you ever have anything nice to say about anybody. Every single time she does it. Hasn’t worked yet but it makes me feel less helpless.

I’d just ignore it but I would say something if the said something infront of little one.

There is no filter when they go past 80 shit, my Dad will be 80 on Thursday. He says inappropriate things at the best of times. We are all doomed.

My mother is like this. Fat people really get her going, even though she is overweight herself. Women who dress inappropriately in her view. She is rabidly homophobic and I think also racist though she wouldn't admit as much. She considers my daughter a slut for having had more than one boyfriend (long term relationship), and says so. People are just avoiding her and she is becoming more and more lonely as a result. I think judgemental attitudes often get worse with age and loneliness. It can also be a symptom of depression I think.

My dad is like this. His favourite target is fat women. Anything over a 12 is fat apparently 🤔 he's not exactly slim himself. He also does the whole "I'm always wrong" sulk when I call him out on it, to which he's told yes, yes he is.

The fat thing rings bells, too.

MIL made snarky remarks about anyone over a size 14 or under size 10 [shick].

So basically most of the population either needed to get off their lard arses (despite the fact she is easily a 17-20) or eat a good hot meal .

That was 18-20

And shock!

Oh dear you sound very narrow minded yourself. Perhaps a good look in the mirror and some self reflection wouldn’t go amiss.

Why is it narrow minded to call out racists and people who want to ruin our economy? There's no law requiring you to tolerate every bigoted and appalling view someone comes out with.

I think we have the same parents!!! Mine come to stay for 3 weeks at a time and the negativity nearly ruins me.

I am watching this with much interest. Thanks to everyone with the useful advice and tales.

missgmichael

“We've also started to ignore her, she is obviously a UKIP and Brexit supporter”

Oh dear you sound very narrow minded yourself. Perhaps a good look in the mirror and some self reflection wouldn’t go amiss.

Well of course my racist and homophobic MIL votes UKIP and for Brexit. What else would she vote for with her opinions?!

And I’m not narrow minded, the very opposite actually.

^ What missgmichael said, x1000

Oops no!!! What LizzieSiddal said about missgmichael... I’d better retire from the thread now

OP I can absolutely relate. My mum is a total dementor - she sucks the joy out of everything, her default attitude is to moan, about everything and everyone, and she's so rude about people. Every person who pops up on the TV she has something bad to say (especially if it's a woman) and she spreads her negativity energy everywhere she goes.

Last time she visited (she lives abroad) we were walking about in the city centre of my hometown and she kept saying "God, look at how fat people are in this town". And she doesn't exactly have "an indoor voice"! The annoying thing is she is hugely overweight! I actually stopped her in the street last time and said shut up mother, people can hear you! "No they can't". Yes they can, and I have to live in this town so stop being rude!

She is also allergic to working class people (well not really but you'd think it) and overtly recoils at anyone being anything but middle class. The same day the above happened we were sitting in a cafe next to the train station and a couple walked in with suitcases, sunglasses on, Hawaiian shirts etc (in January) obviously going on holiday. DS who is 2 wandered over to them and I followed. I chat to everyone and anyone and as they were coming over DS I said "going on holiday by any chance?". They told me they were off to Lanzarote, couldn't wait, they go three times a year etc, you could feel their excitement! they were very British package holiday type people, lovely, "rough round the edges" as my man would say. My mum meanwhile had a face like a bulldog chewing a wasp. When we left I said goodbye, have a nice holiday, bring the sun back etc. When we got outside she asked me why I was talking to those common people and she started doing impressions of them and their Northern accents. I just said I think they were lovely and how lucky to be going abroad, and BTW you're crap at accents so don't bother. I can guarantee if they were clad in designer outfits, expensive jewellery and off to the Maldives she'd have been over like a shot to join in conversation.

I have numerous issues with my mum and things like this make the relationship really difficult. She stayed with me for a whole week and I honestly avoided going out with her and giving her opportunity to comment, but it's really hard OP and you have my sympathy!

Oh and my mum isn't even 60, she's always been horrid, so can't blame senility

My god that should have said "cooing" over my son not "coming"

A dementor is a perfect description of my dad! And my mum too am extent. It's like they are miserable and so nobody else can be happy.

I have the opposite issue re working class people gunpowder my parents and dhs are all staunchly "working class" and whilst my parents aren't so bad (though they make it clear that they love our failures to 'better ourselves' so to speak, they enjoy us having debt and minimum wage, difficult jobs 🙄 basically they enjoy us struggling) dh's dad is outrightly rude about "toffs" and things he perceives as snobbery. So buying a brand new car seat and cot for our newborn was snobbery (despite most of her other things being bought in supermarkets, sales or given to us), told us that he hoped we planned to use a nice and normal name and "not a toff name like maximillian" (we did use a name he'd consider toff). he hates that dh went to uni in his early 20s and is now doing better for himself workwise, when he took a sideways move to be around more his dad was delighted 🙄 its endless, none of them can be proud of us for our achievements, it's apparently above our stations to aim higher or study. My mum is currently really chuffed that I'm taking a break from my degree for maternity as she doesn't think I'll go back to it.

I could write a dissertation on this! My father is every kind of -phobe going. Doesn’t believe women should work, especially after marriage/children. Is a fully paid up member of UKIP. Firmly believes in Schrodinger’s immigrant, the ones who simultaneously steal all our jobs and benefits. Has refused to allow non-British medical staff to touch him. Loathes ‘queers’. Loathes working class people (e.g. DH). Didn’t let me in the house for 3 years because I had a non-white boyfriend. I could go on. His views have hardened as he has aged, but he has always been like this, just got more vocal. As a family, we just ignore him as being old (83) and irrelevant now.

I have also experienced the inverse snobbery side of the working class thing. DH’s family very clearly feel he let his family down by getting a degree, pursuing a career, not an apprenticeship. Several of them refused to come to our wedding because it was too posh.

I have to say, I feel a mixture of sadness and relief that so many of you can relate.

I suppose there is no answer.