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Original poster

Is this rude?

31 replies

ScatteredMama82 · 26/02/2019 12:39

I can't figure out the etiquette here. Family day out with kids and a grandparent. DH buys all the train tickets and hands them out. They weren't at all expensive, DH invited grandparent along, outing was his idea. It never crossed his mind that GP would pay their own way. When we have days out we always pay GPs way and never make any reference to it. It's really not an issue. I noticed GP had transferred the exact sum for her ticket (£12.10) into our account and she never said a word about it. There is no financial reason for this, we are thankfully entirely able to afford her train ticket, and to pay for her lunch etc. I think this was a bit rude really but I could be wrong!

In the interests of not drip-feeding, we have many issues with said grandparent (MIL) and she has always been somewhat passive aggressive and narcissistic.

OP posts:
GeorgieTheGorgeousGoat · 26/02/2019 12:43

I don’t really get your problem? Confused

Needallthesleep · 26/02/2019 12:45

This seems like an odd thing to be worrying about. I don’t see the issue.

JourneyOfSelfImprovement · 26/02/2019 12:46

No issue here unless you make one, nothing wrong with wanting to pay your own way 🤷‍♀️

Maybe GP feels uncomfortable accepting offers of days out if she think its looks like she expects you to pay?

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SassitudeandSparkle · 26/02/2019 12:47

No, that doesn't strike me as rude. You do seem to be looking to take offence where there is none there!

Original poster
ScatteredMama82 · 26/02/2019 12:47

I dunno, I'm probably overthinking it. It just seems a bit like returning a gift and saying nothing about it. To me it seems a bit rude. I'm really struggling with her at the moment and I think maybe I am looking for a motive where there is none.

OP posts:
GroggyLegs · 26/02/2019 12:47

A bit random, but I wouldn't find it rude if it was my MIL.

Id send a text saying 'thanks for the train fare, but it really wasn't necessary, we enjoyed your company' or something

endevo · 26/02/2019 12:49

Sounds like you're looking for problems to be honest

Bluntness100 · 26/02/2019 12:51

Well it's hardly rude. Buying her train ticket was not positioned as a gift, and nothing wrong with paying your own way.

Original poster
ScatteredMama82 · 26/02/2019 12:53

@GroggyLegs thanks - I've done that. I just said thank you, you didn't need to do that.

I am looking for problems I think.

OP posts:
Twickerhun · 26/02/2019 12:53

You are over thinking it! Both my family and in-laws would do similar instinctively or try to give cash at the time.

Bourdic · 26/02/2019 12:53

That was really weird and was sending a message. As gps we go out fairly often together with dd, dsil and 2 dgc. Throughout a day out we’d sort of informally take paying in turns eg they got tickets, we’d get lunch - pretty random and very easy. I don’t know if I’d use the word rude but it’s not very pleasant behaviour

Holidayshopping · 26/02/2019 12:56

That’s not rude in the slightest! I think it’s quite sweet.

TheInvestigator · 26/02/2019 12:56

Play dumb and call her to say "we have a payment from you on our statement but I can't figure out why it's there... has there been a mistake?".

Then, you can hear her tone when she tells you and decide if you want to say thank you or tell her it's not needed and you're happy to pay when you invite her etc.

Original poster
ScatteredMama82 · 26/02/2019 12:56

@Bourdic do you think I was rude to message her and say thanks but there was no need? Or do you think she was rude to do it and say nothing?

OP posts:
ALannisterInDebt · 26/02/2019 12:57

I feel the same as you OP, by making the payment its like she's making a statement 'we don't have a relaxed relationship, where we treat each other to nice days out etc.'

In an ideal world you'd get a train ticket, she'd treat you to a coffee sometime, you'd get lunch, she'd buy the kids ice creams, in a relaxed back and forth way that doesn't mean she's counting each penny she owes you so that she's not in debt to you...it's a bit weird and sad really.

On the other hand, she may just be very determined not to be a pest or burden to you, in the hope that you continue to invite her to days out. She may feel by quietly paying her way she's doing the right thing.

I agree with PP who said drop her a message thanking her and that you enjoyed her company.

TheInvestigator · 26/02/2019 12:57

Sorry! Just noticed your reply to another poster meant you'd already sent her a message!

Bluntness100 · 26/02/2019 12:59

Neither of you were rude, do you often worry about stuff to this level?

E20mom · 26/02/2019 13:04

She wasn't rude. Probably she just wanted to wake sure she paid her own way.

Barrenfieldoffucks · 26/02/2019 13:07

I can see why it would be rude. If she is the type it is a kind of "I'm not going to be indebted to you in any way", "I'm not going to feel grateful to you for anything" type message.

Bakingberry · 26/02/2019 13:13

It's probably just related to her passed passive aggression. If she didn't transfer the cash then she wouldn't have upset you, and you wouldn't be posting this.

Just leave her to it and don't mention it. If it's not this, she will do something else to annoy you.

Springisallaround · 26/02/2019 13:14

It's a bit of an odd thing to do without mentioning it beforehand- let me know how much I owe you, type of thing. It sounds like a point was being made. If she were absolutely straightforward and lovely, then it wouldn't be a big deal though, if she's not it might be part of wider relationship issues.

Hughes12345 · 26/02/2019 13:15

Seems the polar opposite of rude to me! I appreciate there’s a back story here but on the basis of this alone sometimes people can’t do right for doing wrong. You could have asked the same ‘is this rude’ question if she hadn’t paid.

Original poster
ScatteredMama82 · 26/02/2019 13:23

@Bluntness100 thankfully not. It's just where she is concerned there is usually an ulterior motive!

OP posts:
HeathRobinson · 26/02/2019 13:32

My mum never paid her own way. Mil would be refreshing to me.

AlexaAmbidextra · 26/02/2019 13:56

Some people really tie themselves in knots in trying to find things to be offended by, 🙄