Bloody football!!!

[Jody31]

I will try and keep it short. My soon to be 9yr old joined a local grass roots team last summer. They were a newly formed team and everyone was egar to get a full team up and going. My lad isn’t really the sporty type but wanted to give it ago. He’s very shy, lacks a lot of self belief and has low confidence.....but he does like to try. So, the last few months we’ve braved the wind and the rain, week in week out at this bloody football!! He’s pretty terrible to be honest, he’s frightened of the ball and kind of runs around in his own little world. A few months ago the team staresd winning games. They are quite a clicky group of parents so is always the same kids who play every game, all game. My son gets maybe 5/10 mins max! This is ok because he’s still learning.

So today, my lad has a real crisis of confidence and ends up being quite moody and grumpy throughout the match. I spoke to him and he ended up in tears. He’s over heard the coaches talking about him and he just switched off completely. So I contacted the coach apologising for his behaviour. This resulted in the coach suggesting he doesn’t play in matches anymore because he “seems uncomfortable”. I’m so distraught! I’ve said this is not to happen and that we need to discuss a way of supporting him during matches rather than stopping him playing in them!! I really don’t know how to proceed with this. I don’t want my son to stop plying but they seem to have made up theor kind that he’s just not good enough for this team. They are a full squad now so won’t really kiss his as such. I think they just don’t want to have to develop someone who’s so far behind the other boys. My son is so sensitive and really does try. Things just take him a little while longer

Well, if He’s pretty terrible to be honest, he’s frightened of the ball and kind of runs around in his own little world. and he ends up being quite moody and and grumpy throughout the match, then I don't understand why you would want him to go.

If, several months in, he is frightened of the ball and no idea what is going on, the football clearly isn't his game. If it were my dc, I would take them to swimming or tennis or drama or singing or gymnastics or Cubs or Boys Brigade. Anything that would build his confidence and boost his self esteem, not persist with something he is clearly not 'getting' nor enjoying. I mean, why would you ?

I want him to continue because he enjoys it. The social side is very important. I’m terrible at singing but still give it a good go in the shower. I’m hoping by teaching abit of perseverance that it will encourage him to try new things more than once before giving up.

He has a fear of water, low confidence doesn’t lend itself well to theatrics, he’s never shown an interest in tennis or any other racquet sport and he’s absolutely not ready to be left at “scouts”.

For clarity him ending up grumpy and moody thoughout the entire match was just today. This has never happened before.

Sorry but he's not entitled to play in matches just because you want him to.

If he's that bad then the other kids won't take long to turn on him when he's at fault for losing matches.

Find a different sport!

To pick up your analogy - if you feel you are terrible at singing, have you then joined a choir, so how bad you are at singing is highlighted every week ? Or do you stick to singing in your shower ? (I have no idea if you are bad or not - just going on what you way).

I love football myself, but have no skill in that department, so I don't put myself forward to play alongside people who are able to play well every week. My self esteem just doesn't need that sort of knocking week in, week out, to be honest. I'm still happy to have a kickaround in the park, but choose to use my free time to do things I don't need football skills for.

Why do you say he is absolutely not ready to be left at "scouts", out of interest ?

What division is his team in? (yes even in little kids football they have divisions) find him a team in the lowest division to build his confidence.

Find a different team, once the coach wants you out it's not worth getting aggrieved. It's their team they can do as they like. (And I have been there with coach waxing lyrical about another player while dropping my dc - who excelled in new team so not all bad). We have plenty of 'all welcome' type teams locally. You're right, it's football.

Oh he’s pretty dreadful but neither of us really care!! He’s not ENTITLED to play? What a ridiculous comment. He’s 8! Grassroots football is not about being competitive, most of them run around in circles looking at seagulls.....it just so happens that he does that more frequently than the others. I don’t know what kind of ethos you think all children have, but the children in his team have never picked up on his ability! They don’t care whether then win or lose! They go on the swings afterward and play together!

He is a anxious child so leaving him with strangers at scouts it out of the question. He enjoys running around at football!!! That’s the whole point! My problem was with how this “coach” want to handle it. Essentially he’s just a guy with minimal training trying to tell me my child “seems uncomfortable”. It’s an utter nonsense! It’s baby football!!!

Find another team?
Yes grassroots football at that age should not be competitive and it shouldn’t matter whether he’s “good” or not but unfortunately some coaches don’t behave this way and if he is singling your son out or saying bad things about him (which he’s overheard?!) then it won’t be long before the other kids notice or even worse, hear what is being said about him and then start to treat him differently

It’s baby football!!! that's the problem though in football terms it's not. 8 is about the age kids get signed up by proper clubs. You will find a lot of coaches and parents take the whole thing far too seriously.

I have an 8 year old boy who is obsessed with football.

He doesn't have the appetite for playing in a team though. School, with friends, with dh - yes, yes, yes.

Teams are horrible though. I listen to colleagues talk of their children's experiences and I am regularly appalled. And relieved.

I left him at Beavers at 6 though. Beavers was bloody brilliant.

But he’s a coach giving his time and his all to his big dream of taking HIS team to the top of the league - a bit tongue in cheek but seriously, he’s presumably not paid to do this, and has to cope with x14 of these types of conversations with parents, the worst part of the job. And football gets really serious at this age. Especially to the parents. It’s also a really great way to learn emotional discipline, and part of that is not getting to play until you are good enough. Or choosing to change teams if its not the place for you. I have learned to hate football for many of these reasons, but also love the development I see in the team (personal as well as play). But if you think you can change all the worst bits of football, and make it all sweetness and light, I’m afraid that’s not going to happen. But SOME coaches will share your ethos and run their teams accordingly. (Hint - they all start out saying they are inclusive and not all about winning, but few continue this way. Sometimes when they move up the league they replace nearly all their players with ‘new talent’ ).

I'm with you OP albeit a different sport. My boys play rugby and the eldest at 12 has been pretty poor all through but has been encouraged and nurtured throughout. We have recently merged with 2 other teams at this level and despite him being by far the weakest player the coaches have all helped him on. He probably has less game time than the strongest players but still is always guaranteed to play at least half a game. He has significantly improved as he is a regular attendee at training and benefits from the coaches' positivity towards him. He enjoys it now far more than previously. My other son is better but all players at his level (u9s) get equal opportunity regardless of ability.
That is poor from his coaches, and I would have a word, emphasising that you just want inclusivity at this level. Plenty of time later for selection as such. As long as he's enjoying.

How many are in the squad? DD plays and they limit the number of players per squad, regardless of ability, so that they all get a fair crack. They play five a side (Under 9’s) so have nine in the squad. Usually end up with eight available each week, which is just right.

I left my eldest at beavers at the same age. He loved it. It’s a fantastic movement. It’s just not for my youngest.

I don’t think I will give into the pressure that he should be as good as everyone else. I think that wouldn’t be a very good lesson to teach him. I will be having a conversation with his coach about the fact he’s overheard them talking. My son, albeit painfully shy, is very articulate and would easily be able to explain how that’s made him feel. I don’t think I will be moving him teams either. 70% of his team mates are school friends and he enjoys the social side. He maybe rubbish but he has as much right to play as any other child. I’m going to let him run around until his little hearts content and mis kick, kick it in the wrong direction, chat to his little friend instead of pay attention and fix his lovely mop of hair!!

If the coach would prefer him not to play matches you may find its not your decision to make soon. They can only have a max number of players per squad and every player has to be resigned for the start of the next season. Most coaches wont keep on players who don't play in matches.

I’m going to let him run around until his little hearts content and mis kick, kick it in the wrong direction, chat to his little friend instead of pay attention and fix his lovely mop of hair!!

Seriously? Find him a different team where he can do this then. Not the one where the coach (rightly or wrongly) seems to take it more seriously than this and doesn't think of it as "baby football" at the age of EIGHT

Does he practise outside of matches? Maybe getting him to have a kick about with you or against a wall at home would stop his fear of the ball? Argos do cheap training sets for kids that might be worth looking at. I suspect the main issue is if he's running away from the ball and chatting to the other kids then it could be considered distracting by the coach.

Oh he’s pretty dreadful but neither of us really care!

And you're going to speak to the coach about him playing anyway.... can you REALLY not see how very entitled you're behaving?

That team isn't right for your DS, do a bit of research and find another one maybe? Or a football club that doesn't concern itself with matches, like soccertots (that's baby football!). In some areas they have football "skills" clubs where they just kick around and try to do tricks, maybe that sort of thing would be better???

Wow.
Just wow.

(That's at OP)

It's football. This is how it works. They all think they're raising the next Messi.
Have you got a sports centre nearby that runs classes? Where we are - in London - some parents get individual coaching for their children.
But I think either find another team or try out other sports till you find something that suits.

OP, you're becoming 'that parent'. Find another team who aren't aiming to be competitive. Or even better, find another activity that suits your child's abilities.

You really need to find him another team or accept that he's not going to play football. I'm a 'football mum' and, whilst I totally understand your position, football is competitive and every coach wants to play their strongest team. Send him to training so he gets the social side but don't send him to matches.
Do you pay a signing fee? If so, it sounds like the manager/coach don't sign him next year anyway so it's worth looking around now for a new team if that's what you decide to do

Dh coached for years
So many parents seemed to just want him to babysit and to let their kid run around as long as it git them out for a while

But dh did coaching badges in his own time as he lives football and wanted kids to progress

Sorry but it doesn't sound like your boy is much of a football player why not find him something he will be good at

You've got the wrong attitude for football. They start getting scouted at that age and it can be fiercely competitive. My ds plays and trains several times a week, if he isn't up to scratch then he's dropped. You're going to end up with a disappointed and fed up son.

Yes I truly believe EVERY child is entitled to participle in a non competitive (FA guidelines not mine) match where the focus is on building self confidence and a belonging.

At this age there isn’t even a league!! No points kept and no league positions.

And as stated. I’m more that happy with his little 5/10 mins that he gets per week. Gives everyone a fair shot, let’s the better kids come off and have a little rest (before their parents treat them to a McDonald’s for scoring the winner) gives my little one the little bit of pride in playing and the enjoyment!!!!!

Or shall I just go wake him up now and tell him he doesn’t make the cut at 8 so choose another dream kiddo!!!