Not sure if I did the right thing this morning, bumped into ex with DD

[Elodiesflower]

DD is 4. I split up with her father when she was tiny. He had very regular contact until 8 months ago. He met a new partner and gradually stopped turning up, answering the phone etc. I have been blocked on his phone for 8 months now. We haven't heard or seen him since then.

DD was naturally confused and upset for months. I took the line of telling her Daddy was very busy and then eventually ended up saying I don't know where he is and I understood how sad she is. She hasn't mentioned him for 2 months now.

I was walking down the high street with DD about an hour ago and he and his partner suddenly appeared about 10 ft in front of us walking towards us. They saw me at the same time I saw them. She was clearly pregnant. I grabbed DD up and put her on my hip and turned tail into Superdrug. She didn't see him and they didn't follow us.

I had presumed they had left the area tbh. I don't know how to approach this if it happens again in the future. I presume eventually DD will forget what he looks like? I do have two photos up of him in the house but i'm wondering if I should put them away for the future or keep them up?

I'm genuinely shook tbh.

So she is happy to have a baby with a man who will abandon his child?

Foolish woman. I know a woman who did that and was most surprised when he did the same to her.

I agree that you need to pursue the maintenance. He doesnt just get to walk away as if she doesnt exist and as pp have pointed out, he can come back into her life at any point as he has PR so you might as well get the money for her. Put it in savings if you dont need it.

I didnt need the money from my ex but I was buggered if I was letting him get away with abandoning her financially as well as physically. And I knew that his seond wife begrudged every single penny, she even almost lost her job as she worked at the same company as him and tried to "lose" the deduction of earnings demand from the CSA

She will never forget him.

Fancy having a child with someone who abandoned a previous child. Grim. Mind you, you can be sure he’s made up all sorts of reasons why it’s all your fault.
I agree that you did the right thing but you need to pursue the maintenance. That’s for your daughter’s future.

There are far too many men who go from woman to woman siring children with gay abandon and not paying for them. They should be shunned really. I wish the DM and its ilk would focus on them rather than 'benefit scroungers' or single mothers.

Do go to CMS. I wouldn't be surprised if he wanted contact even less once his new baby arrives.

I’d put the photos away too, if she asks about them I’d just say they were really dusty so you’ve put them away, but she can have them out if she wants to.

Will she remember him? How he looks? Time spent together? Who knows...people are different. We moved when I was 8 and my siblings were 5 and younger. None of them remember a single thing about where we lived before or the people in our lives. Other people I know remember things from when they were toddlers.

The thing is, whether she remembers that or not, she’ll always know her Dad walked away and abandoned her. (Wanker). She’ll always be aware that she doesn’t have a daddy in her life etc. People cope differently with stuff like that, but no matter what, it’s part of what makes you, you. As her mum, all you can do is take her lead. Plus, preempt things like making Fathers Day cards at school - make sure the teachers says they can make one for Grandad/Uncle or Mummy instead if they want to.

It’s tough, but she’s got you - so she’s very lucky in that respect👩‍👧🌷

You sound brilliant, OP and you did exactly the right thing in that moment.

Men who refuse to have anything to do with a child from the start are bad enough but I just can't for the life of me understand how a man who's been a parent to his daughter for four years can casually cut all contact and walk away in order to start a new family with their new partner. And imagine being the woman who wanted to be with such a man. Walking around town on a Saturday afternoon cooing over baby clothes for your imminent arrival, knowing there's a child a few miles away that he's pretending doesn't exist. Blows my fucking mind.

But definitely go after him for child support. It will be for your daughter's benefit, and quite frankly why the hell should he get away with not paying?

Practically, be aware that their child could end up in the same primary or secondary school as dd. They might make their DC aware of the connection, and your dd might find out via the grapevine. Also he could seek contact in future. So I would always ensure she knows her Dad's name personally (awful being the last to know). Tell her he's ok but was not a good enough dad to her. So she doesn't end up feeling like she wasn't good enough.

She'll never forget she has a father. I think you made the right choice during a horrible shock.

But i disagree with posters who want to hope she forgets about him. In the longer term, you need to work out how to talk about him when she has questions. She will naturally have curiosity and worries about it as she grows up, she needs to be able to discuss it openly with her mum.

Also sounds like you are doing a great job on a really hard situation

What an arsehole. I don't know how anyone could justify this. He could have told his new partner any kind of nonsense. I doubt DD will simply forget she has a father. I hope he somehow sees sense after this episode and tries to be a proper dad. And he should definitely pay. Don't be ashamed to pursue him for support.

OP I hope for your sakes that DDs father was just visiting the town — maybe to see GFs family.
Do try to get cm money for your DD.
You’re handling things brilliantly

This must feel awful sorry you've had to go through this is so upsetting when they ask where their dads are.
I'd definitely recommend getting a child support arrangement in place from what I know you won't need to contact it's all done on paper through the agency. Get in in place why should his money be going on the new baby and not yours?

I feel for you OP my DD’s bio Dad hasn’t seen her in 2 years now and I’ve walked past him a few times in public. He just pretends we don’t exist and luckily DD is none the wiser. I dread the day she asks where he is. You’re very brave and clearly do your best for your DD

I think you need to think about options. If they are local the children could end up at the same school at the same time, albeit with 4 years between them. You'll see them at the school gate etc.
Claim the money through the CMS. You never know, it might make him rethink contact which, whilst difficult, could be the best thing for your daughter in the long term.

Yes you did the right thing. Your poor little girl.

Awful. What a waste of space.

I doubt a 4 year old will forget what he looks like unfortunetly. I agree with others about maintence and you did the right thing with how you reacted

Ah my heart hurts for your poor DD. What an absolutely bastard, there simply aren’t words for him. You did the right thing, and I am not surprised you’re shaken up I would, in future, answer any questions she has about him but make no real effort to remind her or anything. I would also chase for maintenance.