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Original poster

Not sure if I did the right thing this morning, bumped into ex with DD

68 replies

Elodiesflower · 23/02/2019 10:33

DD is 4. I split up with her father when she was tiny. He had very regular contact until 8 months ago. He met a new partner and gradually stopped turning up, answering the phone etc. I have been blocked on his phone for 8 months now. We haven't heard or seen him since then.

DD was naturally confused and upset for months. I took the line of telling her Daddy was very busy and then eventually ended up saying I don't know where he is and I understood how sad she is. She hasn't mentioned him for 2 months now.

I was walking down the high street with DD about an hour ago and he and his partner suddenly appeared about 10 ft in front of us walking towards us. They saw me at the same time I saw them. She was clearly pregnant. I grabbed DD up and put her on my hip and turned tail into Superdrug. She didn't see him and they didn't follow us.

I had presumed they had left the area tbh. I don't know how to approach this if it happens again in the future. I presume eventually DD will forget what he looks like? I do have two photos up of him in the house but i'm wondering if I should put them away for the future or keep them up?

I'm genuinely shook tbh.

OP posts:

BlimeyCalmDown · 23/02/2019 10:59

RandomMess · 23/02/2019 11:00

DC are not pay per view!

Please go to CMS, your DD deserves the benefit of it even if you put it in savings in her name for uni/car/house deposit.

PurpleWithRed · 23/02/2019 11:02

Well done for holding it together, although if you had created a scene we’d have all been rooting for you too.

DD may forget her father, but you can’t protect her from knowing she must have a father and that lots of children have their fathers in their life. May be worth considering the approach you are going to take long term.

Muddysnowdrop · 23/02/2019 11:02

Well she won’t ever forget about a father will she, but her position will shift from having a dad she sees to accepting that she has a dad who she doesn’t see at all. And she will be ok. However I would not deprive her of her father’s money - which he is clearly happy to, but you have to be better than him. Him paying or not paying isn’t linked to contact. How can a woman have a baby with a man who refuses to see his first child? Perhaps they have moved away, and were back to see her family? You can’t avoid your town because of this, at least now you are forewarned. And might see him minus dd and can give him both barrels.

BlimeyCalmDown · 23/02/2019 11:03

when my daughter was around 14yrs we walked past her dad who hadn't seen her since she was about 8yrs, very unexpectedly as he had moved away - we both pretended not to see him! I wasn't even sure she had at the time but she confirmed after. He's a total loser so we did the right thing but in that split second it's a real shock.

Shockers · 23/02/2019 11:04

He could’ve looked shocked because he’s spun his partner a line about you telling him he can’t see his DD, and he was about to be found out.

He’s a twat and he doesn’t deserve kids.

IamPickleRick · 23/02/2019 11:09

That’s true Shockers. He could well be saying to her now, see told you she won’t let me see her, she just ran off.

Some bastards will say anything. My cousins cousin was in your DD’s position and although she never knew who he was officially, she looked identical to him and they both had a very distinguishing feature. So she’d often see him around town and they both deep down knew who the other was and would just ignore.

winsinbin · 23/02/2019 11:09

You totally did the right thing. A meeting or confrontation would have been upsetting for your DD.

bullyingadvice2017 · 23/02/2019 11:15

I'd bet the new woman has no idea about dd

C0untDucku1a · 23/02/2019 11:19

Cms. Immediately. He lost interest before. Even if he did want contact again, you can bet he’d lose interest again. He can go tomcourt for access if he wants it. Will he bother? But maintenance is a separate issue. That is your dd’s money. Get it from the bastard.

Molly333 · 23/02/2019 11:26

The new woman should be aware if he can do it to one child he can do it again . My ex did this also coming and going for many years and to be honest when he went for good it was a relief . We are a successful happy family now. I've studies and now earn more than him. From what I hear he's in an u happy marriage in separate rooms. My kids are at uni and have a fabulous step dad they love . He will lose in the end and then no doubt will play victim . Be proud of you two you are doing fab buy yourselves a little treat today to celebrate x

BrokenWing · 23/02/2019 11:29

You did the right thing for your dd and that is all that matters.

Honestly, make him pay, even if you just put every penny in an account for your dd for when she is 18/first car/college/uni/house deposit. She deserves that. He's unlikely to want contact especially as his gf is pregnant and obvious doesn't encourage it either.

TheFaerieQueene · 23/02/2019 11:29

Well done OP. You did the right thing.

I wonder if his current partner realises she has just glimpsed her future?

Mummyoflittledragon · 23/02/2019 11:32

You did the right thing absolutely. I’m sorry you’re shaken up from it.

I also think you should pursue him for CM. The money is for your dd so it’s about her really and she’s not old enough to make the choice. It’s also about putting a value on your child, which is more than zero.

If you don’t want the money you can save it for her. It can pay for a residential school trips for example when she’s older. Children get increasingly expensive so I would urge you to reconsider. To prevent her from thinking it’s given with love, you will be able to tell her this is money you got from her father but because he was ordered to pay.

Right now she’s too little to get all of this. But by the time she’s going on a secondary school ski trip or to Auchwitz with school (you need to be at least 14) etc you may feel she’s ready.

CrabbityRabbit · 23/02/2019 11:32

What a cunt.

Agree on going to CMS. If you don't need the money, put it into an account for your DD when she is an adult.

IncrediblySadToo · 23/02/2019 11:34

bullying. You only need to read 3 posts to see the woman has MET DD.

pumpkinpie01 · 23/02/2019 11:37

You did totally the right thing, well done for your quick actions. Your daughter will grow up just fine you can give her all the love she needs. I can see why you dont want to push for maintenance.

LowLifeOpinions · 23/02/2019 11:38

Going through CMS for your dd's money is not inviting him back into your lives.

GabsAlot · 23/02/2019 11:40

it wont be inviting him back the cms will ask for his wages and then work out how much he has to give you

if he doesnt they'll put an attahcment to earnings in place-i really doubt hed want to see her more because of it

Redcrayonisthebest · 23/02/2019 11:41

Wow what a dickhead!! for you op you sounds like a good mum protecting your dd as best you can. I wonder if she knows what he's done or if he's spun her a line that you're refusing contact. I can't understand any woman being attracted to a guy who wasn't willing to be a dad to his kids, it's a major deal breaker surely?
Anyway op as pp have said, maintenance and contact aren't linked, please get something official set up and at least make him pay what you're entitled to.

category12 · 23/02/2019 11:45

Go to CMS because as other posters have said, he may just walk back into your lives at any point whether you do or not.

Mummyoflittledragon · 23/02/2019 11:46

I forgot to say Id remove the photos. Does she look at them ever? If she does, maybe think about whether or not to take them away without explanation. You could stick them in a book with her, tell her where you will keep it and she can look at it any time. Maybe do a little scrap book she can stick the photos in and draw a picture / “write” something if it will help with closure.

This is what dd was advised to do by a child psychologist when our beloved pet died when dd was younger. Your dd is going through a type of bereavement. I know this is different and perhaps worse than one because he’s choosing to be estranged but she’s perhaps too little to understand this.

IncrediblySadToo · 23/02/2019 11:54

You did the right thing for DD 🌷. Absolutely. No doubt about it.

But wouldn’t it have been SO satisfying to really show him up...for DD to dramatically cry ‘Daddy you’re not missing! WHERE WERE YOU??’ and for you to calmly say ‘Hello ‘Dave’ So you’re not dead then, just a dead beat Dad. I guess that (point to bump) explains why you stopped bothering with DD’ (to woman) ‘Good luck love, you’re going to need it with him’. (To both) ‘So, have you moved away or can we expect to be meeting like this regularly?’ ...all whilst DD is clinging to him like a limpit.

But it would have been HORRIBLE for DD...

Have you got any friends that can find out if ex & Gf are living locally or just visiting. Either way, hopefully they’ll be as keen as you to avoid that situation again and will shop elsewhere.

I understand you don’t want to pull him back into your lives by going with CMS, but as others have said, he can walk back in at anytime anyway. If it’s a decent amount though I’d do it for DD but if it’s a pittance I’d let sleeping dogs lay. Yeah, it’s not right and he should pay, but I’d rather not have him being difficult because of a few quid a month. However, I’d rethink if he’s earning squillions and it would be a good amount of money for Dd.

Try to enjoy the rest of the day with Dd. Is there another town you could go to instead to finish your bits & pieces you wanted to do?

KatharinaRosalie · 23/02/2019 11:59

Your poor daughter. And who would have a baby with a man who forgets his existing children?

Go to CMS. Your daughter deserves at least that from the twat.

NoCauseRebel · 23/02/2019 12:00

I’m going to go slightly against the grain here.

The man is a prize arsehole, make no mistake about that, and you didn’t do anything wrong this morning.

but the fact here is that he is DD’s father and he lives in the area. And DD is going to have a sibling who, while she isn’t going to see them right now, there’s a chance that things could change in the future and her father may well seek contact at some point in the future.

While I absolutely would have protected DD from him this morning, this is a life-long thing, and whether we as parents like it or not, children do grow up with their own curiosities and need to know etc, and one day when she grows up she may well look for him, and she won’t necessarily thank you for wanting her to forget him, even though you have the right intentions.

And if in the future he seeks contact. And goes to court he will likely be granted it.

So while in the short term you can protect her by removing pictures etc, in the longer term you need to think about how to move forward in such a way that your DD knows that her father is out there but that he’s not available at the moment.

I would most definitely pursue him for maintenance, even if you put that money aside for her future. But if his name is on her birth certificate he has parental responsibility, and you won’t be in a position to remove that.

Now, there’s. a chance he may not seek contact in future, but there’s also a chance he might, and if/when he does you need to be prepared for that, because sadly children don’t always react the way we hope they would, iyswim, and it’s possible your DD may well want to resume contact with him.

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