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Original poster

What would you do? How long would you wait?

49 replies

MillicanoKenco · 22/02/2019 16:14

How long would you wait?

DP is a Christian. No sex/living together before marriage

I am not - I’ve had sex with lots of different partners in my past life

Both divorced

3 children between us - age range 4-11. We get on well, they’re all amazing children

How would you navigate this?

I am breaking my heart

He thinks waiting another 3 years is acceptable for marriage. We’ve been together since 2017. I don’t want to get married tomorrow; but I’m becoming demoralised

I am not coping. I just cry at everyone else getting on and living their lives, whereas I’m stuck in this purgatory until he decides I’m worth marrying

Can you give me your opinions please?

OP posts:
Hanumantelpiece · 22/02/2019 16:18

What are his reasons for waiting another 3 years?

dementedpixie · 22/02/2019 16:19

I'd give up tbh. If he has children he's obviously had sex before. How long have you been together?

MrsMozartMkII · 22/02/2019 16:19

Why does he want to wait for another three years?

A relationship is give and take and compromise - on both sides.

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Marriage & partnerships
Original poster
MillicanoKenco · 22/02/2019 16:19

He just thinks this will be the amount of time it will take

He said if he can quicken it up then he will 🤷🏽‍♀️

Sorry forgot to mention:

I am 29
The youngest child is mine

So I'm potentially wasting precious years here

OP posts:
JoyceDivision · 22/02/2019 16:21

Why is getting (re) married after having children (guessing you are not mother to his from your post,is that correct?)

If he is ardently sticking to Christian values a little more info re his past will help x

Ffsnosexallowed · 22/02/2019 16:21

I wouldn't wait. What's he waiting for??

Original poster
MillicanoKenco · 22/02/2019 16:21

We have been together 18 months

I'd like to be making plans with an idea of towards the end of next year

OP posts:
Original poster
MillicanoKenco · 22/02/2019 16:22

Marriage breakdown was not his fault

It has been over for quite a long time now - 5+ years

OP posts:
dementedpixie · 22/02/2019 16:25

So no sex for 18 months with potentially another 3 years before you can do anything? Are you intimate in other ways?

PeterPiperPickedWrong · 22/02/2019 16:26

Even the end of next year is ages away, you could have something arranged within a few months IF it was important enough. It doesn’t sound like it is to him, either that or else he is scared after his previous marriage.

I wouldn’t plan on hanging around for another 3 YEARS when you have been seeing each other for 18 months already. Would some sort of relationship counselling help or a chat to someone in his church re relationship guidance?

Original poster
MillicanoKenco · 22/02/2019 16:27

Yes @dementedpixie

No sex. I am just devastated

I knew he wouldn't have sex before marriage; I just think this timescale is ridiculous

I know to be so, so careful where children are involved but my goodness - in my circle living together and sex is a must before marriage 🙁

I love him so much. He is the most phenomenal man on this planet. Except for this massive fucking issue

OP posts:
sonjadog · 22/02/2019 16:28

I think you take back your power here. Currently he is deciding how you will live your life. Tell him you need some time to think, and then go off and really think about what you want for your life. How do you want to live? What plans do you have for the future? Do your plans for with his plans? Because it not, then I think you are wasting your time on him.

Littleraindrop15 · 22/02/2019 16:29

Wow sex less for another 3 years.. I'd ask him on thoughts of an open relationship that should jog the relationship along. I personally wouldn't be willing to wait that long..

Al2O3 · 22/02/2019 16:29

Given that he is divorced, it sounds a bit odd that he wishes to reinforce a marriage value on your relationship. I do not think God will judge him for a bit of rumpy-pumpy, but I suspect there is only one thing you can do about it.

DianaT1969 · 22/02/2019 16:30

After 18 months together he would know if he likes/loves you and sees a future with you. I'd be suspicious about his libido to be quite honest. He could be repressed sexually, just not fancy women, or have a low libido that perhaps contributed to his marriage breakdown.
I wouldn't wait any longer and I wouldn't marry him now either. You're buying 'goods unseen' 😅
That's fine if you both wanted to wait before marriage, but you didn't and he's in noooo hurry.

Original poster
MillicanoKenco · 22/02/2019 16:32

Thanks. I'll catch up on this thread soon, about to drive home

OP posts:
DorothyZbornak · 22/02/2019 16:32

To be honest, I wouldn't marry someone that I'd never had sex with anyway. What happens if you're not sexually compatible? It's a lot easier to just split up with a partner than to try and divorce a spouse.

PresidentHump · 22/02/2019 16:32

I wouldn't wait. But then I could never been with someone like this

kbPOW · 22/02/2019 16:33

I'd say he has a good reason for wanting to avoid sex. Erectile dysfunction, severe premature ejaculation or some physical impairment he wants to hide. No religion would result in me marrying someone with whom I did not know if I was sexually compatible.

Doyoumind · 22/02/2019 16:33

Clearly not having sex or living together before marriage didn't work out for him the first time. Personally, I couldn't imagine marrying someone I haven't lived with, unless I was planning never to live with them or something. I would say this isn't the relationship for you. It's not like either of you are virgins and it feels like he holds all the cards, which is a big red flag to me. The most wonderful-seeming men can sometimes turn out to be the worst eventually.

Crunchymum · 22/02/2019 16:44

Are you intimate in other ways? Not asking for details, just an idea if you are both tactile and / or sexually active in any respect.

rumptifizzer · 22/02/2019 16:45

Christian or not, he's divorced and surely the nosexbeforemarriage (nsbm) rule should be long gone.

I'd give him an ultimatum and say you need to know he desires you and you need to male love with him and you can't wait until you're married.

Why was divorce not his fault. Did she have an affair...cos he just doesn't like sex??

HeyCarrieAnneWhatsYourGame · 22/02/2019 16:53

I think that as a non Christian you’re well within your rights to say this isn’t for you. No way I would do it. A serious conversation needed.

JoyceDivision · 22/02/2019 16:58

So, he's adhering to Christian values, yet is divorced?

How is he approaching a second marriage, are you getting married in a church with a Christian / Catholic service?

If so, for a Catholic to be remarried isn't there usually a sort of annulment where they declare their first marriage never really existed or was not intended,we talked about this with our parish priest, it seems quite sad,especially if children involved as you're recovering the first noon that is their family as void.

It just seems he taking an overly righteous step when he hasn't ( his fault or not his fault) adhered to his faith re marriage so far

Indeed, if it wasn't,t his fault that the marriage ended,what was it? Surely it was covered in the "For better or worse, richer or poorer,in sickness or health, til death do us part"?

To be honest op, I practise faith but this doesn't fill me with confidence, your partner is an adult and having the life experience he has had so far it seems bonkers he won't have sex with you!

itsboiledeggsagain · 22/02/2019 17:06

I married a Christian who didn't want to live together before marriage. We compromised by me telling him to crack on and propose then. He did. It was a good call by both of us

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