What would you do? How long would you wait?

[MillicanoKenco]

How long would you wait?

DP is a Christian. No sex/living together before marriage

I am not - I’ve had sex with lots of different partners in my past life

Both divorced

3 children between us - age range 4-11. We get on well, they’re all amazing children

How would you navigate this?

I am breaking my heart

He thinks waiting another 3 years is acceptable for marriage. We’ve been together since 2017. I don’t want to get married tomorrow; but I’m becoming demoralised

I am not coping. I just cry at everyone else getting on and living their lives, whereas I’m stuck in this purgatory until he decides I’m worth marrying

Can you give me your opinions please?

What if you marry then find out you are not sexually compatible?

Charlotte from sex and the city.

Don't wait until marriage.

Sex is important to you. And why wouldn't it be? It's one of the many ways we express our love and intimacy.

What are you going to do if you get married and find he's a shit shag and doesn't give you any attention?

It sounds like this is incompatible. If you were both Christians adhering to the no sex before marriage thing then fine.

I don't get it though. He's got kids already? He's had sex already? Am I reading that right? If that's the case, I really don't get that...

I’m sorry but my only advice would be ltb.
It’s all on his terms. What reason did his marriage split up? I wonder if it’s to do with sex.
I would be prepared to wait for sex after marriage if the wedding date was set in the not too distant future, but 3 years down the line after being together 2 years, not a chance in hell

Why will it take 3 years to marry? You can get married cheaply and quickly if it’s just about being married.

Maybe his ex divorced him because he has zero interest in sex?

Either way, I'd never marry anyone I hadn't had sex with.

He's telling you what his values are. There will be other similar decisions he makes in future. If you don't share these values being with him might be a mistake for both of you.

He sounds very selfish OP

I understand the no sex bit as a Christian, even if married before, as it is not just about ' saving yourself' but also about making a lifelong commitment to someone before that level of intimacy, however, I cannot see a reason for waiting that long to marry if you are both sure. Is it for the children's sake? What are his reasons?

I assume his exW had an affair ?

He is probably asexual or has some sort of physical/emotiobal problem around sex he is choosing not to disclose.

He is controlling your life. Expect that vague "3 years" to keep disappearing into the distance.

His want to wait for sex inside a marriage does not trump your want to have it regardless of the marriage. The fact that his want is based in religion is irrelevant. Like all other big issues it needs to be overcome via discussion and compromise.

it sounds very long and like he hadn’t thought about you. I’d ask him directly how he thinks you feel about it. My guess is he will be a little surprised and take a moment to think of something.

Do you live together? Would he live with you before marriage? Have you spent time with him, ie weeks away together?
How do you know if you could bear to live together? It's not fit on you (or the children) to take this gamble.

I agree with pp he is hiding something from you. Might be a micro penis, might be erectile disfunction, might just not care.

Don’t waste your life with this man. He’s not right for you.

He's an arse.

Sorry to be vulgar but what if he's terrible in bed?! You will have married him before you find out and it sounds as though a sex life is important to you.

I don't think I could keep going with it to be honest.

I agree with the others. There’s a sexual issue here - not only is he putting off marriage to delay confronting it, but he knows that after three more years together you’ll be even less likely to leave when you find out about it.

I would never marry someone I hadn’t already lived with. What if you can’t stand living with them- do you really want to wait until you’ve tied the knot? And as for no sex...my Christian mother told me, “you have to try before you buy”. LOL.

Your bloke sounds like he’s taking the Bible a bit too literally, is he one of those “literally the word of God” people? The Bible has all sorts of rules that people don’t stick to- like stoning people to death for crimes, not eating anything with a cloven hoof, covering one’s head when menstruating. Religious leaders pick the lines of the Bible they want people to adhere to and omit others they’re not so keen on, as a way of social control. Eg not sticking to the bits I’ve mentioned but promoting the parts that say no sex before marriage/homosexuality is wrong.

Thank you, next.

I agree with the others - there's some sort of sex issue that he's keeping hidden from you as there's no reason to wait that long to get married at all.

So you wait 4.5/5 years, if it actually happens then, to find out what his sex problem is?

It's a no from me.

you have not really said where the 3 years has come from. Is it around the kids/schooling/being a certain age or what? To be honest, if he is that strict about his faith, it really surprises me that he is sticking to the no sex bit but ignoring the bit that tells Christians they should marry someone who shares there faith. This will not be the only big difference in opinion that you come across and it may be a warning shot across the bows that this will not be an easy match for either of you.
You will have to navigate whether the kids go to church/get baptised/whether a proportion of your income gets given away/how much of his free time he spends doing 'church stuff' etc.

their not there!!

If you want to make it work then you need to get married quicker - Why will it take three years?

But honestly you're 29, you've both already had sex, his position is nonsensical and really unfair

You're living life as a 14 year old again. He might be wonderful but if his devotion to religion goes this far, who knows how far he will take many other potential ridiculous things that you will clash on in marriage, with children. If you have kids do you want someone telling your daughter that she has to wait until martiage for sex otherwise shes a sinner?! Or son for that matter.

Not wanting an answer but have you seen his penis?! If not, in all seriousness, he could be hiding a tiny penis! Or as others have said, sexual compatability can be a huge thing if its really bad. 5 years wait. Sex is not a sin!