Anyone's Mum not like them?

[NarcissistMum]

I was reading a thread this morning about a lady whose parents wanted to take back their share of the business, and give it to golden child, their brother.

This struck so many chords with me. Someone replied 'trying to do more for them won't make them love you more equally' It was a real lightbulb moment.

I have 2 DS and all my life my mother has played divide and conquer with the three of us. By nature she is a very controlling, self absorbed woman. Ever since I was a kid I have memories of her falling out with everybody. Her family, neighbours. I seem to be her whipping boy now. She will never phone me (claims it's too expensive as I only have a mobile, despite her having hundreds of thousands in the bank). Unless she wants something. My poor Dad was under the thumb until he died 3 years ago.

I finally got it in my head that she doesn't really like me. When I ring she never asks me how I am, its all about her. I had pleurisy a couple of weeks ago, and her response was 'Oh I had that once' and had to hear all about her experience of it'

So I get it, that I'm not golden child, and I am just a fly in the ointment to her, but why do I keep hoping that one day she will love me, say shes proud of me? It's not something you should have to hope for from your mother, is it?

I wish I could stop doing nice things for her, like sending her flowers, or little gifts, because it makes me such a mug. But I can't stop. I suppose deep down I will hope for something else until the day she dies.

I hear you! Mine’s just phoned and I didn’t answer because I phoned her earlier in tears because I had the ddog put to sleep on Tuesday and she wouldn’t talk because fucking Tipping Point was on. She left a message saying ‘I can’t understand why you’re not answering’. I was like ‘Seriously?!’

Mine falls out with people and yes, it’s all about her, no-one else. I’m scapegoat, my brother is golden child. It’s frustrating and tiring to fight against it. Now she wonders why I don’t care 🤷‍♀️

I hear you. We had a complete crisis day last year, absolute rock bottom crisis. Mum couldn’t help as she was washing up glasses before a WI tea.

I don’t think she has a preference for either child, we are both just a massive disappointment to her. I try to just accept that and get on now.

Yes but the feeling is mutual and I haven’t had contact in 11yrs. Her ugly mug popped up on my cousins insta the other day and I felt nothing. When I’ve heard she’s visited my brother, I’ve actually said, HIS mother is visiting right now to DH and thought the poor bastard.

It’s quite liberating

My mum doesn’t like me much but she’s still a decent mother and does an awful lot to help with the DC and just in general. I’ve accepted that in her eyes I’ll never be as fabulous as SIL or do anything right, and since I’ve stopped trying to please her I’ve been a lot happier. I’m very lucky in so many ways. to everyone with really crap mums.

Another here. Although my mother wasnt so bad when my dad was alive. He died a year ago and her true self came out pretty quickly. She has fallen out with anyone who has ever helped her and only kept people around her that will lend her money. I've realised sadly that she is a horrible woman.

Been nc with mine most of my adult life.
It sticks in my mind I got blamed for things I didn't do so much as a dc. Taking her stuff mainly. Which I never did.
She was no better a dgm than a dm so I dumped her.

Yep.
And ill never forgive her for the shame and guilt i felt when younger, growing up believing i was horrible...when actually its her who is not a nice person.

Yep. And to drive that point home she hasn't been in contact with me since I was 14 years old.

It's sad when you think about these 'mothers', who gave you life yet really don't actually give a fuck about you.

NC has been amazing for me, even after all these years not once have I missed her, been tempted to contact her or even thought about her.

Another here. Been NC for a month having finally found the courage (and stately homes thread).

She isn't a bad person but she is completely under my Dad's thumb, he always comes first then it's my younger sister. I always ring Mum and make polite chit chat out of duty. First chance she gets she will drop in some news about my sister and then goes off on a monologue about poor sister, she's so busy, so tired, so hardworking. Every single thing I say or do she will either judge me harshly or compare it to what my sister has done. One time we were walking past a Costa and she said "Ooh, Sister likes going there." Errm, so do lots of people! I know I should ring her soon but I just can't face the way she makes me feel. I can't tell anyone because I sound like a petulant child. All my life I have thought it's a problem with me not her.

Mine doesn't.

Like @BouleBaker it's not a case that she prefers my sibling. I don't think she likes either of us much. She doesn't have friends or good relationships with other family members either.

Mine was lovely but she died. However DH's mum doesn't seem to like him much. She talks about him as a baby as says he was 'never happy' then always follows it will tales of his perfect brother who was content and easy. She doesn't make an effort with him and although she's great with our kids it's always weird and awkward between her and DH when she's here. Makes me sad.

My brother was always the favourite yet he never even visits our mum.

A few months ago I had to go through an abortion and she couldn't support me at the hospital because it might clash with her feeding the chickens at 4pm (my appointment was from 9am).
I also remember her treating us like dogs and telling us to 'heel' at traffic lights then delighting in the shocked looks she got from people.

Unfortunately a lot of people (me included) still hope that one day we'll get the love and support we actually deserve from a parent. I feel for you OP.

This is the trouble with some of us, isn’t it? We STILL want approval/love. I’m another whose brother is golden child. He used to go to our home town (lived 4 hours away) and not tell my parents. Then he emigrated. Unbelievable.

My mum doesn’t like me much but she’s still a decent mother and does an awful lot to help with the DC and just in general. I’ve accepted that in her eyes I’ll never be as fabulous as SIL or do anything right, and since I’ve stopped trying to please her I’ve been a lot happier.
^ this. As I’ve got older I realise it’s not me, it’s her and I won’t ever fit her ideal daughter mould no matter what I do.

Not me, but my own Mum and her mother. My grandmother has spent their whole lives pitting my Mum and her sister against one another. Grandmother is a classic narcissist.

Another here, NC for 10 years

Apparently I think I’m better than her even when I was a child. I think in reality she’s jealous of me in a weird way although the narc in her would always praise me in public as a reflection of her wondering parenting. Yet in private never a kind word.

I left her and the golden child brother to it

Thank you for your replies everyone. I’m 53 and it has only been over the last 10 years or so that I have admitted to myself that my mother doesn’t give a shit about me. I was deluding myself, because it seems such an unbelievable concept.
Luckily I have a husband of 25 years who is wholly supportive and can objectively look at the evil and cruel woman she is.

Some women don't give a shit about their children and yet we all still keep hoping that one day they will love us, it's a very difficult thing to live with. I've been no contact with mine for about 4 years now. It's great. I can't change her but I can change my reaction to her, I've just shut down. She's 85 now and I'll probably never see her again. Too many terrible things have been said by her and I seriously don't give a shit any more. In my case the golden child, my brother died, I'm sure that she would have preferred it to be me that died. Not easy to live with, he died in 1976 so I've lived with that for a very long time.

I'm off to the stately homes thread

Wow this is an eye opener. My mother (nc for over a year now) really doesn’t like me. She always falls out with those around her. I let her create so much anxiety in my live. She’s tried reaching out to me but I know that she tells people mean things about me.

This is all incoherent but it’s such a relief to hear other people say they’re in similar positions.

Thanks all. I feel like less of a freak.

Another here whose mother loves the DGC to bits, but doesn’t think much of me. Never has, never will.

Mine doesn't like me. She told me when I was 11. If I forget that she's my mother and just think of her as a woman I know, ww can get on ok, but she's still not nice. She loves my daughter though so for her sake I'm going to play along for as long as it lasts.
She prefers men to women and my brothers can do no wrong.

Mine has always told me that although she loves me she doesn't like me very much; we had an honest chat recently over how I just wasn't how she had imagined right from the moment I was born. She also rang me by accident not long ago whilst on the way to visit me and I heard her listing all my faults to my Dad!! It's very complex and I love her very much and believe she loves me too but finds it difficult to actually like me. I am always the one that is turned to in a crisis or for advice and calmly sorts things however as I am the "dependable" type - something that is mocked a little but utilised often.

Please could somebody link to the stately homes thread?
My mother was one of the reasons I didn’t have children. She managed to grind down any self confidence I had and would be hyper critical of everything I ever did or said. I’m slowly climbing back and realise that other people value me, but I thought I would be such a bad mother, and thought that any children I had would be second best to my sisters kids and I didn’t want to put kids through that. She is 80 now and has not got kinder as the years go by.