I want a second baby but partner doesn't

[GoodJobShesCute]

I need to talk about this as it's ruling my mind but all my friends have their own issues and I don't want to bug them with mine. Especially seeing as several are struggling with infertility so it would be incredibly insensitive to complain about wanting a second baby!

Anyway, as the title says I do and he doesn't and I'm really not sure where to go from here. Our daughter was a long time coming and followed MCs so I am very very grateful that she's here, and if it couldn't happen again I'd accept that. But I'm not sure I can accept it not happening because he doesn't want it to. He says another baby would be too tiring. Well yes, it would be hard at first but I think it would be worth it for our daughter to have a sibling to grow up with. We both have very small families, she has no cousins close in age and no grandparents. We are older parents (well oldish, 40 and nearly 40) and I can't bear the thought of her being all alone in the world when we go. I know she may not be close with any sibling but they would exist at least.

It feels so important to me I can't see me not just resenting him until our relationship collapses. Is that massively ridiculous? Do I need a slap round the head?

What am I supposed to do? Try and accept that I can't force him to have another baby, even though I know he'd love him/her? He is a very loving father. Or should I keep trying to persuade him that our daughter deserves a sibling?

YANBU to want another baby but yes you would BU to force him.

And I have to say that this idea that only children will be "all alone" when their parents pass away really does my head in. As an only child myself, I have plenty of friends, family, a DS of my own. My parents are not the only people in my life. Your DD could potentially have a partner, children, grandchildren in the future. She won't be "all alone" when you are gone.

I understand your wanting a baby OP, it can be all consuming like you’ve said. I don’t think you can persuade him though. Yes talk to him again, spelling out how much this means to you but you can’t keep going round and round with this.

Would you honestly want your relationship to collapse and DD be without her dad if you can’t accept this? Would it be worth that?

If you do force him to have another baby he may leave you anyway, is that something you could cope with?

There’s no magic answer sadly to these type of threads, one of you has to give in and sadly I think it has to be the person wanting the baby.

I guess we each come at it from our own experience bitchqueen. Having lost parents young my older brother was everything to me and is still the person I turn to when things are really shit. But I don't want to offend anyone who is an only child of course. I have no doubt she wouldn't mind as it would be all she's known. But I would feel sad all the same.

You lost me at your melodramatic "all alone in the world". My DS is an only, and he will be just fine, thank you very much.

I feel for you. I would also like a second baby but my husband is 10 years older and he says he is too old for a second. I hate the idea of selling all our baby stuff and shutting up shop.

It’s really upsetting and I’m hoping he will come round and change his mind but on the other hand I don’t want him to feel like I am forcing him.

Interested to see other people’s posts

Good luck

Everything you say is right greatduck. I'd never want her to be without her dad I want her to have a home with us forever as that's what I never had and I still envy friends who go home to their parents at the weekend for their favourite meal and to be looked after! Gah being a grown up is a ballache sometimes.

Stupid question but do you actually talk to your partner about wanting another baby? I just hope there is more to it than just ‘it will be tiring’ ...

I'm not offended, I just think it's really melodramatic. The idea of someone feeling sad for someone like me is ridiculous because I don't miss what I never had. A sibling is not the only person in the world who you can turn to for support when needed and as plenty of posts on here show a lot of people don't get on with their siblings. Don't project.

You can only talk to your partner about how you feel. But if he is really against the idea it will be you who has to accept it.

I'm sure he will theonlylivingboyinnewcross
And yes - I am feeling very melodramatic perhaps. It happens! They are feelings after all!
Honestly have no opinion on only children aside from my own wishes and experiences so am very sorry if what I said has been taken the wrong way.

I think it’s good to bear in mind that even if your DD did have a sibling it wouldn’t necessarily mean they would have a close relationship as grown ups. Like the pp said there are many other ways of gaining support.

Maybe trying to concentrate on what you have with DD could help you, don’t waste this precious time wishing for something that you can’t have. I mean that kindly OP.

I'm in a similar position, wondering if my ds will be ok without a sibling. We haven't completely decided yet but a 2nd isn't looking likely in the next couple of years and I'm almost 39 now. The thing I'm thinking of though is the rising number of families choosing to stick with one child. Surely the upshot of that is in the future all these only children will support each other?

I just hope there is more to it than just ‘it will be tiring’ ...

There doesn't have to be...not wanting another baby is reason enough on its own. Talk about it by all means but you can't force him to want another. There are benefits to being an only and there's no guarantee that siblings will get on anyway. Your daughter will be fine either way OP.

Oct18mummy tell him that my dad was almost retirememt age when I was born and was the best dad in the world. I loved him so much and although I was young when he died I'd never change him. He always said we kept him young and active!

OP I have siblings and rather like Megan markle I wish I didn't.

But yes of course if siblings relationship went well it's a gift but not guaranteed.

'And I have to say that this idea that only children will be "all alone" when their parents pass away really does my head in. '

Same here. I have 2 siblings- I'm fully estranged from one and not at all close to the other. Having a sibling doesn't necessarily mean they will play any part in your life as you grow up. Your DD will have a big, full life outside of the family when she starts to make her own way in the world

You can't help how you feel OP and it's very tough when you're longing for something, but if your DP isn't on board, then there's definitely no way to force the issue

I mean this kindly, but didn't you have this kind of discussion way back when, before you actually started living together and thinking about a family?

If so, who has changed their mind? And - more importantly - why?

The thing I'm thinking of though is the rising number of families choosing to stick with one child. Surely the upshot of that is in the future all these only children will support each other?

As mentioned before, this assumes that the child won't have a partner, children and grand-childen of their own.

None of you mention the potential burden an only child might feel if they end up caring for elderly parents alone. That's a real concern.

You're all right. She will be fine. This is helpful!

To come up with the excuse ‘it will be tiring’ is just wrong! Somehow, the OP is genuinely wanting and debating of having another child and has been given advice just to roll over and accept that her partners will supercedes hers as ‘he will find it tiring’ and advice for her to stop being dramatic.

Like she won’t be tired and can’t be emotionally engaged in making a decision ..

FFS

Actually Diana what you say is often on my mind. My partner and I have had to deal with ill and elderly parents but have had siblings to share the load with. Although I'd rather she lived in the middle of the Peruvian jungle when she grows up rather than feel burdened by us!
Plus I don't want to assume she will meet someone and have kids as I nearly didn't and lots of my friends haven't. One of my bugbears is people assuming that partner/kids is the only way that life should go.

None of you mention the potential burden an only child might feel if they end up caring for elderly parents alone. That's a real concern.

Having siblings is no guarantee of not feeling this pressure. DH isn't an only but his DB is NC with family so DH will be doing everything. Plenty of people move abroad leaving siblings to do all the care. My DS will be an only but we are already making sure plans are in place to ensure he doesn't care for us.

Callmesirshotsfired
Honestly? I can't bloody remember! I've been told all my life it would be difficult to get pregnant so I'm not sure the number of kids ever came up in conversation! 🤦🏻‍♀️

Theknacktoflying

No one should be forced to have a child. Would you think it ok if this was reversed and a husband was demanding that his wife have a baby that she didn't want?

Simply "I don't want a child" is a good enough reason. It's the up to the OP to decide if she accepts that and stays in the marriage or not.

Do you know what this is so cathartic. It is something I feel so emotional (nay, melodramatic) about and I struggle to communicate my feelings so this is a helpful way of calming myself and getting perspective before I properly talk to my partner about it. Aside from the odd small chat here and there we've never really sat down and thrashed it out as he's been stressed with work recently so it's never felt like the right time.

In this situation I don't think it's that "ones will supersedes" the other, it's that both people should want to have the child if it's too happen. I would hate to have a child with my husband knowing he didn't want it and only had it because I ground him down.

It must be hard to want a child and your husband not, but you have to respect his choice the same as he should if you didn't want another, how exactly would you feel if he just kept asking you to have a child that you really didn't want. Maybe it was really hard on emotionally with the miscarriages and he can't go through up again, or it could be lots of reasons. I just don't think it will end well pressurising him to have a child, he very well may end up resenting the child if he has one just for you.

I think your daughter will be just fine on her own. She will find her own way in the world. I have known people who had siblings to still end up the primary career of parents with no support from siblings.