I want a second baby but partner doesn't

[GoodJobShesCute]

I need to talk about this as it's ruling my mind but all my friends have their own issues and I don't want to bug them with mine. Especially seeing as several are struggling with infertility so it would be incredibly insensitive to complain about wanting a second baby!

Anyway, as the title says I do and he doesn't and I'm really not sure where to go from here. Our daughter was a long time coming and followed MCs so I am very very grateful that she's here, and if it couldn't happen again I'd accept that. But I'm not sure I can accept it not happening because he doesn't want it to. He says another baby would be too tiring. Well yes, it would be hard at first but I think it would be worth it for our daughter to have a sibling to grow up with. We both have very small families, she has no cousins close in age and no grandparents. We are older parents (well oldish, 40 and nearly 40) and I can't bear the thought of her being all alone in the world when we go. I know she may not be close with any sibling but they would exist at least.

It feels so important to me I can't see me not just resenting him until our relationship collapses. Is that massively ridiculous? Do I need a slap round the head?

What am I supposed to do? Try and accept that I can't force him to have another baby, even though I know he'd love him/her? He is a very loving father. Or should I keep trying to persuade him that our daughter deserves a sibling?

Sit down tonight and talk again OP.

@DianaT1969 those are both very good points! I guess there is always a chance they won't settle down. It's harder these days and has taken me a while to find the right one! Completely right about the burden of caring for older parents too. It's my situation and I don't really want that for my son.

My DP and I "agreed" to two kids before we got married. I wanted three and he said no two, so we both knew the picture.

After I had one, DP said HE could not go through labour again 😂. He was serious that he wanted to stop at one.

We had a discussion about how I felt cheated, and he had gone against his word and left me in a position where I couldn't do anything. He'd took my right away from me. Anyway he realised he was in the wrong here, and now our second child is the apple of his eye.

Did you discuss future plans before first born?

We had a discussion about how I felt cheated, and he had gone against his word and left me in a position where I couldn't do anything. He'd took my right away from me

The trouble with this is that you can't know what having a child is like until you've do e it so it's very normal to change your mind about having more after the first. Again, imagine this the other way round...we had also agreed on two but I decided I couldn't do it again. Could you imagine if my DH tried to pressure me into having another because that's what we 'agreed on!?'

Hmm there's two sides, if he had given me a reason that I thought was reasonable, I would have agreed.

But his reason was he didn't like labour. So I said you don't need to be there for that? (He did come to our second labour, but I didn't make him).

I definitely feel like, with his reasoning for not wanting a second, I had the right to feel cheated. He withdrew an option from me for a reason that wasn't actually an issue.

I always struggle with these threads, as I am in the opposite situation - I know that my husband would love a second, but for a variety of reasons (mostly medical), I'm now against it after having our first.

He may well feel that I've reneged on our original plans, but there's little I can do about that. I can only hope that my husband values me, and our family unit, ahead of another hypothetical child.

@sar302 I think the thing with the reverse is that it's your body that will carry and give birth to a baby. That's asking an awful lot of someone who doesn't want to do it. I'd never put someone through that who didn't want to. Also, in our relationship I do 99% of the childcare and although I know a lot of people split things more equally, a lot don't. In fact I don't know any couples personally where it's a total equal split. Usually because both partners want it that way. I still don't think that it's ok to force a man to have another baby he doesn't want of course. But the implications aren't necessarily the same.

I'm in a similar situation only with us it's a 3rd. We did agree preDC on 3, but we don't have any family support and we underestimated how hard it would be! I think I'll always wonder "what if" but focusing on the plus sides of what we be got helps. How old is your DD? My youngest is now older than I'd want an age gap to be (if that makes sense) so that helps me accept things.

I'm an only child, my parents were 40 when they had me. No other family nearby, and yes, I really did feel a bit like I'd be alone in the world when they die for a number of years despite having my own friends- I had a big falling out with a childhood friend in my twenties and it made me realise that while friends can be like family, they're actually much looser ties. Now I have my own DH and child I feel that less so but DHs parents are a lot younger and he has a big extended family, I do feel strange that at a certain point there won't be anyone else who remembers my childhood but we'll still be embedded in his family if that makes sense.

I moved home after living abroad in the last few years largely because my parents are getting older (they're now mid-seventies) and I feel a responsibility to be close. It sounds strange but the fellow only children I know do all feel an increased responsibility towards their parents and have all made plans around being relatively close by as a result. Weirdly, even friends in families with siblings where it is incredibly clear that one sibling will have all the responsibility don't seem to feel the same pressure.

That being said, I don't absolutely hate being an only child or anything, it's a v minor part of a happy life that I probably would have preferred to be different but it's not a huge issue. it will be much better for your child to be raised with parents who are still together. I know you can't control building resentment towards your partner but ultimately I had a very happy childhood and not having a sibling isn't the end of the world. Many people actually prefer being one.

If you are worried about your child, think of things you can do like Helping her build relationships with cousins and other family members. Dealing with your own disappointment is harder, but as others have said, you can't force someone to have a child you don't want you can only try to manage your own feelings about it.

@GoodJobShesCute
I think you're definitely right about that. Whilst my husband is an excellent father, he's not doing the pregnancy, the delivery, or taking a year off work!

But yes, when I read about the resentment that people feel it may cause them... it would devastate me to think he felt that way towards me. But then I suppose it might devastate him not to have another baby (which is potentially where you find yourself.)

I suppose you just need to be really clear what you might lose if you pursue this - including your husband, your family unit, and the time you will miss with your current child, if he's splitting his time between you and dad post break-up.
There's also the option that you might not meet someone new to have a baby with. Or you might meet someone, but for whatever reason not be able to conceive.

There's a lot going on there.

I hope you manage to come to a decision soon for some peace of mind.

None of you mention the potential burden an only child might feel if they end up caring for elderly parents alone. That's a real concern.

Additionally, you can never be sure that a second child won't have a severe condition or disability which could end up being a burden on the elder sibling.

Not to be crass, but at least the burden of caring for a parent is likely to come to an end when they die and freedom is at last in sight. If you feel that you have to devote your life to care for a loved one who is the same generation as you - younger, as it happens - then there's every chance that they will live as long as you, if not outlive you.

I used to know a lovely lady in her 80s, who had a healthy middle-aged daughter and a slightly younger son with Downs (I'm guessing other needs as well), who was totally dependent on her. Not only was it heartbreaking to see this elderly woman having to chase after a 40yo man screaming for his mummy, but his sister also naturally had to take a lot of responsibility for him too and, much as she loved her mum and brother, you could see it in her weary eyes that she knew exactly what awaited her after their mum died.

Her age at having him may well have been a factor, but there are no guarantees of a healthy baby for anybody of any age.

I think the thing with the reverse is that it's your body that will carry and give birth to a baby. That's asking an awful lot of someone who doesn't want to do it. I'd never put someone through that who didn't want to. Also, in our relationship I do 99% of the childcare and although I know a lot of people split things more equally, a lot don't. In fact I don't know any couples personally where it's a total equal split. Usually because both partners want it that way. I still don't think that it's ok to force a man to have another baby he doesn't want of course. But the implications aren't necessarily the same.

Yes, the physical burden of pregnancy, birth and feeding (if BF) do fall exclusively to the mother - and the childcare frequently does as well, as you say, whether through mutual decision or a selfish father not pulling his weight.

However, there's also the fact of being financially and pastorally responsible for another person until they're 18/19 and, many would feel, partially for the rest of your life - in the natural course of things, a baby is a person who will become a significant part of your life - with all the joys, heartaches and certain perceived responsibilities - until the day you die.

It's definitely worth asking him if you can set some time aside, consider everything rationally and come to a strongly-considered agreement. However, if he doesn't want to consider it, or he does but still doesn't want to try for another, then that's ultimately his decision. It's like sex - if one person wants it and the other doesn't, it doesn't happen (unless a crime is committed). Just because his body is only fractionally involved, you still can't coerce somebody into becoming a parent.

If, after talking to him, he still doesn't want to, your only choices are:

1. Have an 'accidental' pregnancy - terrible idea and, of course, coercive. Your relationship might not survive it.
2. Have an affair with the intent of getting pregnant - even worse idea and, of course, coercive of the man (unless you tell him your plan or use a sperm donor). Your relationship would almost certainly not survive it.
3. Leave him. Your daughter would then lose the stability that she currently has for the sake of a half-sibling who may or may not ever be born.
4. Accept that you won't have another one. You may end up resenting him for the rest of your life.

Sorry, none of these are in any way nice options, but it is ultimately up to him whether or not you have another child with him.

A sibling is no guarantee of companionship for your child. I have a younger sister and we have absolutely nothing in common, only speaking once a year at Christmas. Also re caring for you when you're older, it's by no means a given that the responsibility would be shared equally between two; very often the bulk of the responsibility is taken on by one child.

I hope you can come to an amicable agreement with your DH.

Maybe finding out more about his reasons for not having another will help you come to terms with it?

We initially thought we'd have 2 but ending up happily deciding on 1. DS is a happy child. I'm not close to any of my 4 siblings.

@seededghost my daughter is nearly 18 months, so a good age gap I think if we started thinking about it now. I would happily have a larger gap if it weren't for my age! My brother and I are 6 years apart and have always been close. But I can totally see that the older she gets the easier I'll find it as it will feel less and less possible to go back to the crazy newborn days.

@babyworry2018 that's interesting to hear your perspective. It's funny I've always said I want another baby for her sake but now I'm thinking maybe it's for me! Although I found pregnancy and the newborn phase really hard so I must be a glutton for punishment!

@webuiltthisbuffetonsausageroll that does enter my mind a lot actually that we could have a child with severe additional needs and actually do the opposite of what I'd like and add to her burden. I guess it's also partly why I feel under such pressure to get on with it too!

And you're right with the choices you lay out. And only no4 would be possible. I don't want a baby with anyone else. Even if our relationship couldn't survive such a big difference in wishes I would never have in mind to have a child with someone else. He's the only man I've ever wanted to be with, despite the fact that he's really bloody annoying sometimes!

Was gearing myself up to talk to him tonight but he's come home from work in an absolute stinker of a mood so there's just no chance. Hopefully I'll get a chance at the weekend. I do understand and sympathise with his reasons for not wanting another one. He hated the sleep deprivation (despite me doing ALL the wake ups for at least the first year) and he worried about her a lot when she was small which was hard on him. But both of those things are temporary (well I guess we'll both always worry about her) and I think worth it for the pleasure of her having a sibling/us having another baby. But it's not just me who does the weighing up! I always said I wanted a man who knew his own mind - what was I thinking! 😁