NC'd for this as details are identifying. Please be kind. I've gone down a route that I know many wouldn't have chosen. Please don't tell me to go home. This is the most horrific night of my life.
My DF has been ill in a nursing home for four years with Parkinson's and dementia. A year ago DM with exactly the same conditions moved to the same nursing home after a few months of refusing to eat. DF was rapidly declining and she found it unbearable. She died 3 weeks later last March - we knew the day before that she was in the end of life stage and I stayed in her room overnight at the nursing home and was there when she died. I am very close to both parents so obviously it was extremely upsetting but I was glad I was able to be there and comfort her in her final moments.
By any standard DF should have died 18 months ago. His condition is heartbreaking. He's skeletal, cannot move, cannot communicate, bed bound, etc. Many times we've been told he's probably only got a few days but every time he shocks everyone.
As of last Sunday there is no doubt. He's at end of life. I've wanted this - he's suffered so very much and has zero quality- it's 100% what he'd want. He is the most lovely man - the staff all adore him. I hoped that after four years of suffering that his end would be peaceful and comfortable. I've been here since Sunday, staying in his room to comfort him. It's the least I can do for such a wonderful DF.
It is the absolute opposite of peaceful. He's got a syringe driver since Monday delivering end of life comfort meds - for secretions, sedative and morphine.
Since this afternoon he has the death rattle. He is distressed. That SOUND. Until you've heard it you have no idea. It's utterly horrific. I can't bear it. He's had top up injections. Nothing is touching the death rattle. I feel so selfish in saying I am sat here with earplugs in and music trying to drown out the death rattle but I can hear every rattle non stop. I am holding his hand and talking to him. He's clutching my hand tightly. I don't know what to do. I can't leave him and I won't leave him but I am so traumatised. This is Day 4 and the other days have had their moments but generally been ok and suffering has calmed. This is not improving. The rattle is horrific - I simply don't know what to do with myself while watching someone I love so much die in this terrible state. I need to find a way to cope. The nurse can't help - he's at max of all meds and is just one of the unfortunates whose end of life symptoms aren't controlled.
It's the sound. Without the sound I could cope. Please, any suggestions to help me stay strong.