I miss writing but I have to quit taking my meds to do it. Should I?

[MissLanesAmericanCousin]

So, pretty much that's it. At one time, I was told by various teachers, professors, other writers, that I was actually a good writer. To be honest, I don't know if I have what it takes anymore. I am 45 and no longer the young prodigy that some people (not me) thought that I was. To be honest, I don't even know if anyone would like my shit, because I don't think my voice is relevant anymore.

And, as the title suggests, I'm on various meds for my mental health, and although I feel calm and relatively happy and content, I don't feel nearly as creative as I did when I was off my meds. I truly don't know what to do.

I've always wanted to write a novel or a book of poetry but a lot of my stuff is unfinished. Unfortunately, I've never been a self starter, however, when I was manic (I'm bipolar) and as high as a kite I had crazy energy and could write all night until 5am.

So, I guess I have two questions really. One, should I go off my meds and try too write (or paint actually, as I haven't been in the mood to pick up that, again either) and two, should I even try as I'm middle aged now, and I most likely have nothing new or groundbreaking to say in the first place, so it will most likely just be an exercise in futility?

What do you mums netters think? Should I give up?

Thanks in advance to anyone who reads this and responds, much appreciated.

[MissLanesAmericanCousin]

forestafantastica, thanks for your response. Your experience doesn't sound very inspiring tbh, more daunting. But, I guess I'm a least prepared as to what to expect. Strange though, because I've had mad rushes of creativity while I'm still medicated, but maybe it was the meds I was on, or maybe because not all Bipolar people are the same.

It sucks that you think your work is slightly better than average though. I mean, I know that I probably sound like a colossal hypocrite here saying my work is probably shit, but even I know when I produced good work, and all the people who were experts in their field couldn't all be wrong.

I'm sure you're work is better than slightly above average. Don't sell yourself short. Despite what some people think, I think that people who are mentally ill are better writers and artists, not in spite of it, but because we view the world differently. But, that's just what I think and every person (except you) that thinks differently. No offense, I've just never heard a bipolar or mentally ill person talk that way. I don't know, maybe I just need to get out more. LOL!

I actually had to look up what meds you're on as I never remember their proper names, just their brand names. But, yes, I've been on both Lamictal and Abilify. Both were pretty decent, I'd say. I was on one of them for a few years I think. Eh. Either way, glad it has worked for you.

You know, I feel like I came off as a real asshole in this post. I'm sorry, if I've offended you in any way or have been too abrasive. I guess, your post just hit me in a weird way. Not that you weren't trying to be nice or helpful, I know you are. Idk, it's probably just me.

Thanks again for your response, I really do appreciate it. And, please keep writing. I'm sure your work is better than slightly average quality. Please take care of yourself and try not to be so down on yourself so much.

The best of luck to you too!

[forestafantastica]

I think you misread. I wasn't saying my work is slightly above average compared to most people. I mean it's slightly better, overall, to where it used to be. There has been an average improvement since I got stable on meds. I'm not gonna be so arrogant as to say anything else - I've not won awards or anything, but I get paid regularly for my writing, I've been published and I had some stuff optioned for TV (not made in the end) so I guess I'm not awful. Not award winning or magical or special or anything. But I write stuff and sometimes people give me money. Sometimes people like it. Sometimes they don't.

Although I'm probably an awful person for you to talk to as I really really don't think that I'm better or more creative because I'm mentally ill or bipolar. I think the bipolar fucked up my capacity to be a reliable professional for a long time. I now make a living from my writing - not a lot, but enough to get by - which I could never do before because I was really unreliable. But I totally get I'm a shit example of a bipolar person and mostly do bipolar wrong - you're not the first person to say that since I got semi-sane.

Promise it's true though! Diagnosed and hospitalized and have reoccurring psychotic episodes and the works! I probably am fairly boring by your standards though - I'm pretty brutal with myself to not start romanticizing my illness or pretending it would just be better if I stopped taking my meds and turned into a beautiful butterfly because I don't - I get manic, I fuck guys I don't even fancy normally, I decide to blow money I don't have on stupid shit like getting on a plane to anywhere, I get ideas in my head and think I'm talking to God or can see the spirits that live inside me or whatever. And that's shit for me in the end, and shit for everyone around me. So I keep myself living a fairly normal boring routine life because it keeps me on an even par.

Having said that, I shall withdraw from this thread because I don't want to be unhelpful or discouraging or rub you up the wrong way. I wish you all the best.

[MissLanesAmericanCousin]

forestafantastica, You may never read this because you are withdrawing from this thread, but in the off chance that you do, I did apologize to you. As you well know bipolar people can be quite the pricks sometime. All I meant was that I have never met anyone who talks the way you do or the way you see your illness. I do not think that bipolar people or anyone with MH disorders are better than people who aren't. I said, they see the world differently and they do.

I also do not romanticize my illness. I wish I never had any of it. At least you're successful. I am not. And, I'm genuinely happy for you. I think it's great when any one of us is successful at anything.

I seriously did not mean to offend you in any way. I promise to God, I didn't. I just have never met or talked to anyone with our illness the same way you talk about yours. That is my fault completely. That is my shortcoming. I take full accountability for upsetting you, I really do. I really fucked up and worded everything wrong and my apology wasn't good enough.

I'm very very sorry for being such a jackass. I truly wish nothing but the best for you, and I think that's quite an achievement for you to have accomplished so much despite having the illness we both have.

Again, if you read this, I'm extremely sorry and I truly regret my post.

And, to anyone who has read about this whole fucking incident, you have every right to think I'm an asshole. Because I really was today. I completely fucked up and I'm very ashamed of it.

I'm sorry to everyone, especially to you, forest. You came here with good intentions and a good heart and you met an enemy instead. I really, really screwed up. I don't know what else to say. I deserve your post though. I'm glad it has been seen. I suck today. I'm really disappointed in myself today and I need to do better