I miss writing but I have to quit taking my meds to do it. Should I?

[MissLanesAmericanCousin]

So, pretty much that's it. At one time, I was told by various teachers, professors, other writers, that I was actually a good writer. To be honest, I don't know if I have what it takes anymore. I am 45 and no longer the young prodigy that some people (not me) thought that I was. To be honest, I don't even know if anyone would like my shit, because I don't think my voice is relevant anymore.

And, as the title suggests, I'm on various meds for my mental health, and although I feel calm and relatively happy and content, I don't feel nearly as creative as I did when I was off my meds. I truly don't know what to do.

I've always wanted to write a novel or a book of poetry but a lot of my stuff is unfinished. Unfortunately, I've never been a self starter, however, when I was manic (I'm bipolar) and as high as a kite I had crazy energy and could write all night until 5am.

So, I guess I have two questions really. One, should I go off my meds and try too write (or paint actually, as I haven't been in the mood to pick up that, again either) and two, should I even try as I'm middle aged now, and I most likely have nothing new or groundbreaking to say in the first place, so it will most likely just be an exercise in futility?

What do you mums netters think? Should I give up?

Thanks in advance to anyone who reads this and responds, much appreciated.

[MissLanesAmericanCousin]

*as of, not loo!

[MissLanesAmericanCousin]

dangermouseisace, God, is that ever true!

[MissLanesAmericanCousin]

Parthenope, sorry, yes, patience and perseverance and the not thinking your shit part. Sorry, about that. Just took my Adderal. Should kick in about 20 minutes.

[Helmetbymidnight]

as everyone has said- dont come off the meds, but do write!

45 is young in the world of publishing, dont talk yourself out of it. talent is not key- perserverance is. you have clearly had lots of experiences which will inform your writing. try just a little and often. i recommend joining a writing class too. youll learn lots and have fun with similarily minded people.

[MissLanesAmericanCousin]

Helmetbymidnight, well, I was thinking about writing with the intention of it not being published until I'm dead. I really value my privacy a lot and if by some fuckin' miracle it actually turns out good and a lot of people like it I would hate the attention now. I quite liked a lot of attention when I was younger, but now, not so much. Even then, it was always on my terms, if you know what I mean. My life is just so solitary now. I can't imagine opening myself up like that. I seriously don't know what to do.

I do what to make a substantial contribution to this world in the way of writing or art. I always have. To, like Salinger says, shine your shoes for God. I do want to do that, but I don't know.

It's so funny, ya know, part of me thinks I'm shit and I don't want to be noticed at all, and another part of me wants to be great and successful. I just don't know how to reconcile the two. :/

[Naicemum]

I don't think you should go off your meds, as I don't think it's a choice of meds vs creativity. Artists who have been successful did so in spite of mental health issues and not because of them. Like a previous poster mentioned, work created whilst on a high is unlikely to be much good. It can be harder to find the discipline and confidence to create when you are in a good place but the rewards will be much greater, less work maybe but higher quality. Having mental health issues is an experience you can draw on to create work if your style is self reflective but it's not your only option.

Also don't think you're past it at all, most artists never stop working so there's no time limit, don't underestimate the value in having the maturity to filter out the inspired from the bollox (teenagers don't find this so easy).

[MissLanesAmericanCousin]

NottonightJosepheen, wow, thank you so much I really, really needed to hear that. As a matter of fact, I think MN has helped me quite a bit because it has given me a chance to write. I mean, obviously, it's not Shakespeare or anything, but it does calm me my nerves quite a bit. Not, to mention, I find it quite cathartic. I also hope that my encouragement and advice is good when people need it. So, that's why I'm here.

Seriously, though, and I mean this in the most emphatic way possible, I appreciate your compliment. I feel like it's been a long time since I've heard it. Apart from the husband, of course, but he doesn't quote Jane Austen.

That quote rings true though. Thanks for that as well.

[MissLanesAmericanCousin]

Naicemum, thank you so much for your response. God, you guys have really got me thinking I can actually do this. I really haven't felt this much encouragement and motivation since I was 25.


To those of you that have responded- thank you all so much. You have no idea how much I appreciate this. I'm really just so thankful. I just feel so grateful to you all. I really, really needed this. Thank you

[Ivegotthree]

I earn a living from writing but if my mental health were at stake, no question what I would sacrifice.

[MissLanesAmericanCousin]

Ivegotthree, thank you.

Just for the record, you guys, I've decided I won't stop taking my meds. However, I will start writing again. I can't today, as I've got too much housework to do (I really let it go to shit because of the depression and all that) and I have company coming over on Friday, but I'll make a schedule sometime tonight, then start on Saturday. Who knows, it might actually work. Only one way to find out, right?

[MissLanesAmericanCousin]

NottonightJosepheen, thanks!

Two questions though. And, one of them makes me feel like a creeper because I've already asked two other people, but hey, what the hell.

One, do you mind if I pm you once in awhile, just to chat about whatever?

Two, what's up with your username? Is there a meaning behind it? And why the alternative spelling?

Thanks!

Oh! About the first question, if you don't want to, it's all good. I won't be offended or anything like that, seriously. So, it totally cool, if you want to say no.

[forestafantastica]

I'm bipolar and I write stuff! I do get what you mean - I found my meds did change stuff and it took me a while to get a balance between my meds and my creativity.

What meds are you taking? Sometimes it takes a while to juggle them until you get them right. Def don't stop taking them - you might be able to write while high (I could) but I sure as fuck couldn't edit! Don't give up though - you can get published at any age and loads of older people have stuff to say.

[MissLanesAmericanCousin]

NottonightJosepheen, oh that's cool! I didn't know about that particular diminutive spelling, as I'm used to seeing that name being spelt Josephine with an"i" . Very cool, though! Learned something new today! Wonder why you went to the name Joseph though, and I wonder why you're subconsciously turning him down? Sorry, but my mind asks a million different questions. So, don't mind me!

Thanks for saying yes to my request. I really appreciate that. I have a very small social circle now, and it can be pretty isolating at times. So, thanks again. x

[MissLanesAmericanCousin]

Oh shit! I forgot to tell you about my name! Sorry!

No, it's not anything as literary as that. Trust me. It's a kind of homage to Larkrise to Candleford which is a show that is dangerously inaccurate but thoroughly enjoyable. Miss Lane is the main character who is a postmistress in the mid 1800's and she is quite meddlesome and wants to help everyone with their problems, I too, feel that annoying. Although, I'm not nearly as bad as I used to be, I still have been known to deal out unwarranted or unwanted advice. She doesn't have an American cousin though. I just threw that in there because I am an American and I think cousins have a tendency to be highly unlikable. HA! Lot of self deprecating humour there, I guess.

[MissLanesAmericanCousin]

forestafantastica, thanks for the response and encouragement and for sharing your story with me.

Well, currently, I'm on Lithium, Trileptal and Adderal for my ADD or ADHD can't remember which one I was diagnosed with last year. Eh.

But then I'm on some pretty heavy painkillers cause' my back is pretty fucked up, and our insurance doesn't cover back surgery to fix it, so oh well.

What do you mean by change though? How did it change? Did your writing change? Like your style? Was it better or worse? Cause' honestly, that kinda scares the shit out of me.

[AbsentmindedWoman]

Just write. Do it, please!

Don't come off the meds - if they're working, great. If not, then maybe hustle to try something better until you feel better. I think it can be frustrating if the med combination isn't quite right for you.

But write anyway, through the process. Just start. Don't let fear of it not being perfect stop you from writing, don't tell yourself it won't be good enough just because of your medication - that's not true, just your tortured artist soul trying to argue why you shouldn't write

[MissLanesAmericanCousin]

NottonightJosepheen, cool. Yeah, if you like Jane Austen and all that, period pieces and a nice dose of singing (yes, there is, but I absolutely love it. Especially, one particular song) then I think you'll really love it! I think it's on Hulu atm.

Yikes! Poor Josephine! That's gotta hurt. HA!

Yeah, that's cool if you've got to go. My DH just got promoted, so his hours have changed and he's coming home soon, so I've got to make dinner. Plus, I really have to get my ass in gear to do housework. Thank God, he doesn't give me shit for it.

Good night, sweet dreams! x

[MissLanesAmericanCousin]

AbsentmindedWoman, thanks for the response and encouragement. I've only been on the new meds a few days, and I've been on them before, so I'm sure they'll work, but thank you.

Yeah, I thanked it's more fucked up soul than tortured, but I do get your drift. Yeah, definitely, I'll do it. I have too many obligations today, but I'll be open this weekend and I'll set up a schedule tonight, so I'll be cool there.

Tbh, I'm really glad that I started this thread. It's really given me the courage and motivation to start working again. Even if it's shit (and it probably will be) I'll do it anyway. Who knows? And, what the hell, I don't really have anything better to do anyway, so it's not really going to hurt. Maybe, I still have it in me. Guess there's only one way to find out.

[MissLanesAmericanCousin]

Yeah, I think

[forestafantastica]

Hrm. I don’t know if it’s as simple as ‘changed for the better’ or ‘changed for the worse’. I’m a bit slower, in that I don’t have mad rushes of creativity, but I think my average quality is slightly better. I mean, I still sometimes have episodes and one of my best poems recently was written when I was very unwell, but on meds.

I do struggle sometimes because I forget words at times which is really frustrating – I hate that – and I’ve hit total brick walls at times, which, again, reduces the amount of work. But then, the craftsmanship aspect of my writing – the editing, the revisiting, the polishing – is about 1000 times better – I never used to be able to go back to anything I’ve written. So I think the stuff that does come out, at the end of the day, is much more marketable and relatable to people who aren’t me.

I did find lithium hard to deal with – I moved to lamotrigine and aripiprazole which keeps my brain a bit lighter and working better. But it’s different for everyone. Good luck.