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Original poster

Daughter excluded from best friends birthday

55 replies

Iamstrongiammum · 18/02/2019 19:40

Just found out my daughter has been excluded from her best friends birthday celebration.
Our girls are the same age (8) and have been friends since birth (NCT)
They go to different schools but see each other every other weekend due to family commitments and work etc. Usually hang out the whole day or go on a day trip etc.
I consider the mum a very close friend, to the extent that I was considering asking her if she would raise my daughter if anything ever happened to me. (I have no family and dd’s dad isn’t interested) so this family is very important to us, they mean a lot.
After being asked to keep some dates free whilst mum worked out when the celebration could happen, time ticked by and I started to wonder where the invite was. Fast forward to a week before and I have to ask out right if she had finalised the date yet, to be told that something was happening for school friends only and she would get back to us about when we could do something, but she wasn’t sure when it would be.
I almost burst into tears when I heard this. My little girl would be destroyed if she found out. I feel physically sick and I don’t know what to do. It’s so mean.
I want to add that my daughter also knows some of these children that have been included from other parties and get togethers, she’s very well behaved and gets on with everyone and is no trouble. I cannot think of why they wouldn’t invite her.
I’m a considerate friend, I don’t impose myself or take the piss, I never ask for anything and always offer to help out when I can.
I feel so upset. Have I just completely mis-read and entire friendship for the past 9 years?
What should I do?

OP posts:

SearchingForSeaGlass · 18/02/2019 19:44

I think you should give the mum a chance. There may be a good reason that she wants to have two celebrations, one with your daughter and another with school friends. Give her a chance to arrange something with you. Unless you've other reasons to think that the friendship is fragile, it should be able to withstand having multiple birthday celebrations. I don't think it's a genuine slight.

Drogosnextwife · 18/02/2019 19:45

Why did you post this on someone else's thread aswell as starting your own thread?

IdaBWells · 18/02/2019 19:50

You sound really overinvested if you were going to burst into tears or felt physically sick. If your child would be “destroyed” you are not teaching her enough about flexibility and resilience. Things happen, friendships change, people change their minds you can’t let these things destroy you. This is a wake up call at least that you should widen your circle of friends for both you and your daughter.

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Original poster

Iamstrongiammum · 18/02/2019 19:52

Because I’m not used to posting here and it was a mistake. I tried to delete the comment but I don’t know how

OP posts:

combatbarbie · 18/02/2019 19:56

I think you are being a bit overdramatic. Think it's fairly standard in this type of situation that the child has a school friend related celebration and an outside school one. Whilst your DD may know the other children it may upset the dynamic.

woolduvet · 18/02/2019 19:58

It sounds a massive overreaction, that maybe you need the children to be friends more than they do?
Maybe they're growing apart, nothing has happened between them and the other child doesn't value the friendship as much anymore.
Or maybe they're limited for numbers so are doing a school friends do.
Give it a chance but please calm down about it.

clary · 18/02/2019 19:58

Your daughter sees this girl once a fortnight. The girl invites schoolfriends and not your dd to her party. I'm sorry but I don't think your dd is her best friend.

Does your dd have good friends at her school? IME that's where friendships are often formed. My dd had a great friend at nursery but by yr 1/2 they had drifted apart as they went to different schools.

That's how it goes. The mum can still be your friend, dd's nursery friend's mum is still a good mate of mine (and the girls are 17!).

Ali1cedowntherabbithole · 18/02/2019 19:59

At 8 if there is a group of friends from school, sometimes it does work better to do something with just that group and not outsiders.

Be happy that the Mum wants to do something separate with just DD and let the girls enjoy it.

EssentialHummus · 18/02/2019 20:01

I think you are taking this more personally than the situation warrants. They may well want to celebrate her birthday with you, but time/circumstances/money means that having a small thing with school friends is the most viable thing for the moment.

Bluntness100 · 18/02/2019 20:02

I also a, concerned about your reaction, nearly bursting into tears. That's not healthy. Kids friendships wax and wane, you need to let them decide and you can't be so invested like this, you need to keep your friendship with thr mum separate and handle it like an adult.

Quartz2208 · 18/02/2019 20:03

It’s very difficult at this age, friendships which are school based are naturally far stronger

DD (10) has two best friends, one of them the mum was in a very close knit group of NCT friends. In the early parties the 2 nct girls would come and the 3 of them would be close. Time has passed and last birthday (9) they agreed a joint nct party and then leave parties to school friends as the other two would feel awkward and left out

EatToTheBeet · 18/02/2019 20:06

Children absolutely do start inviting their own friends to their parties in about year three. Yes, they are friends but they are friends because you are friends with the other mother.

feliciabirthgiver · 18/02/2019 20:06

I think you are taking this way too personally. It's a really common scenario, it in no way means she doesn't value yours or your daughters relationship.

It's perfectly fine for her to have a party for her schools friends and then arrange something else with you guys.

Fartingisfun · 18/02/2019 20:07

My son often ends up with multiple mini celebrations. One for his bestie from primary school, one for friends from a class he attends at weekends, current school friends and the crowd from his sport.... he just prefers not to mix the crowds. Then he gets to spend quality time with each group/friend.

Dont read too much into it.

Original poster

Iamstrongiammum · 18/02/2019 20:10

I appreciate your comments. It’s hard to convey how close the girls are. They are like sisters and like I said these people are more like family than friends to us.
I don’t have a family so friendships are important to me. We do have other friends, it’s not that everything hangs on this one friendship, it’s beyond that. What is upsetting is the mum knows how hurt my daughter will be when she finds out. She has gone to all other parties with schools friends etc, why exclude her this time?

OP posts:

JoyceDivision · 18/02/2019 20:14

Op, I appreciate it feels at though your DD has been left out, but my gut feeling is your DD hasn't been excluded from your friend's dad's birthday, rather there is a party she isn't going to.

They are getting to the age where their friendship groupings will become more obvious, and although your DD would prob get on well with them, the school children will see more of each other,know each other better so the mum will naturally group them for a party.

If anything it prevents any possible akwardness and you can still do something with your DD and birthday girl where they have time together.

It's lovely the girls get on,but you have said they are friends as you and mum are friends. It may be that as they mature and find their own friends and social groups, especially through school, that the friendships they have had created via parents are not as strong, or at least a priority friendship, don't feel that you have to push them being friends forever, as long as they get on is important, and may be focus on the friendship between you and the other mum so that you are investing in a quality friendship.

Mmmhmmokdear · 18/02/2019 20:18

Maybe the other mum was concerned about your DD not knowing any of the school friends? Wait & see what happens, she might want to organise something lovely for just the two of them.

Ihaventgottimeforthis · 18/02/2019 20:22

OP it's just one party. If they are as close as sisters, then surely you are not so fragile that you think a friendship can't survive this? Perhaps the worst the other family are guilty of is taking the friendship for granted i.e of course you won't think that they don't like you or your DD, because you're really as close as family.
Perhaps the thing with school friends is straight after school, all coming home together or something, or they just have a close group. Your DD's friendship could well be valued for being something separate from school.

TwitterQueen1 · 18/02/2019 20:23

The girls are 8 - a lifelong friendship at this age is nothing like that of adults. At this age their school friends are the most important friends; they spend all day, every day together and the history of your relationship with the mother is completely irrelevant. You are projecting your own feelings of friendship towards to the mother onto the two girls and this isn't reasonable or fair. Both girls will be making new friends and have new priorities.

It's your job as mother to reassure your DD about still being friends and enjoying time together - not beating your chest and wailing about betrayal and how hurt your DD will be and how you've been deceived and how awful the whole thing is....

Gina2012 · 18/02/2019 20:24

Wow. That is some powerful reaction @Iamstrongiammum

Your daughter isn't going to a party which is solely for the birthday girls' school friends

That is all that is happening. That is all.

Please do not convey your incredibly (I'd even say dangerously) powerful reaction about this party to your daughter

edwardcullensotherwoman · 18/02/2019 20:31

This tends to be what happens at this age. My DS(10)'s best friend has been his best friend since they were 2, they're like brothers.
I think the last party of DS's that the friend came to with school friends was 7, same the other way around.
They each now have birthday celebrations with a few school friends (rather than whole class like when they were younger).
They then have a day out or day together separately.
They prefer this as they see more of each other and enjoy it more, and don't have to worry about each other feeling left out.
Please don't feel bad, I'm sure she hasn't been excluded and they will arrange something fun for the 2 girls to do together

Wauden · 18/02/2019 20:33

Your daughter would be destroyed, as you put it.

greenflamingo · 18/02/2019 20:34

To offer some reassurance, my kids are v close to their cousins (same age and gender, live nearby) but we wouldn’t necessarily go to parties for school friends. It’s not a sign of not being close.

Quartz2208 · 18/02/2019 20:38

but the closeness could exactly be the reason. The birthday girl may feel it’s easier to just have school friends and a separate event for the two of them

That said a date has not been pencilled in - when is the next time you are seeing her

lunar1 · 18/02/2019 20:39

It's honestly better to separate the celebrations. My ds has a really good friend at an extra curricular activity. DS was invited to the whole class party, the birthday child spent the entire time with my ds and completely ignored everyone from his class. It would have been much better to do something separately.

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