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Original poster

Daughter excluded from best friends birthday

55 replies

Iamstrongiammum · 18/02/2019 19:40

Just found out my daughter has been excluded from her best friends birthday celebration.
Our girls are the same age (8) and have been friends since birth (NCT)
They go to different schools but see each other every other weekend due to family commitments and work etc. Usually hang out the whole day or go on a day trip etc.
I consider the mum a very close friend, to the extent that I was considering asking her if she would raise my daughter if anything ever happened to me. (I have no family and dd’s dad isn’t interested) so this family is very important to us, they mean a lot.
After being asked to keep some dates free whilst mum worked out when the celebration could happen, time ticked by and I started to wonder where the invite was. Fast forward to a week before and I have to ask out right if she had finalised the date yet, to be told that something was happening for school friends only and she would get back to us about when we could do something, but she wasn’t sure when it would be.
I almost burst into tears when I heard this. My little girl would be destroyed if she found out. I feel physically sick and I don’t know what to do. It’s so mean.
I want to add that my daughter also knows some of these children that have been included from other parties and get togethers, she’s very well behaved and gets on with everyone and is no trouble. I cannot think of why they wouldn’t invite her.
I’m a considerate friend, I don’t impose myself or take the piss, I never ask for anything and always offer to help out when I can.
I feel so upset. Have I just completely mis-read and entire friendship for the past 9 years?
What should I do?

OP posts:
Drum2018 · 18/02/2019 20:42

When is the child's brithday? If it's over and the mum is now trying to placate you by offering another celebration for your dd to attend, then I'd be pissed off. But if it's in the coming weeks and the mum is definitely planning a different celebration for the 2 girls then it wouldn't bother me too much.

SassitudeandSparkle · 18/02/2019 20:43

OP, you sound rather intense about this relationship and are projecting your own feelings about your friendship with the parent on to the child.

You need to back off - I would think it natural that a child would want their school friends that they see every day at a party. It is a little alarming that your interpretation of this event is so dramatic, they've done this one little thing and your view is now that the friendship of nine years is destroyed - that is catastrophic thinking and very unfair on your friend! It's you that is giving up on the friendship, not her.

jelliebelly · 18/02/2019 20:43

You are totally over invested in this friendship and need to be prepared for the fact that other friends may well become as important to either girl as each other - they're only 8 and so far haven't had much say in whether they want to be friends or not. It is difficult to mix School and non school friends at parties as they don't have the social skills to include those they don't know with in-games or in-jokes - not unusual to separate.

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Original poster
Iamstrongiammum · 18/02/2019 20:48

Drum2018
It’s over. We were asked to hold dates, then nothing. Now found out this celebration is taking place and my daughter not included. Cinema trip to see a film they had been planning on watching together and getting excited about seeing together.
My daughter is even invited to her friends little brothers parties and older sisters parties. That’s why I’m confused. It feels like a mean exclusion.

OP posts:
ForgivenessIsDivine · 18/02/2019 20:49

Presumably, if you and the Mum are friends since 'NCT' both girls have birthdays around the same time? What about suggesting a shared birthday celebration for both girls and give them a chance to celebrate together? It might take the drama out of the situation.

TheShiteRunner · 18/02/2019 20:49

I agree with the others. You're massively overreacting. If you're very very close friends, it's probably that she wants her DD and yours to have a special and exclusive celebration.

Somethingsmellsnice · 18/02/2019 20:50

You are friends with the mother through NCT. The girls have had a friendship forced upon them by virtue of the fact their mums are friends. As they grow older and develop outside friendships especially if at different schools they will grow apart.

BartonHollow · 18/02/2019 20:54

They go to different schools

So it's quite normal to have your school friends at your proper party and see outside school friends separately

The biggest concern in your OP is your own reaction

This has made you PHYSICALLY SICK

This is a child's party. You aren't a child and your child isn't entitled to attend events just because you feel she should be entitled to attend.

You need to calm down and refocus and reassess how you approach challenges in life and what is big stuff and what is small stuff and teach your child by example about being resilient in the face of disappointment

And how if she doesn't go to this party that's ok and it's not the end of the world and it doesn't mean this girl isn't her friend

MrsApplepants · 18/02/2019 20:55

I think you are overinvested in this family and need to widen your circle a bit. It’s not healthy to be so attached and to be encouraging your daughter to be the same. Children should be encouraged to make lots of friends, to build social skills, resilience and not put all their eggs in one basket.

Namechangeforthiscancershit · 18/02/2019 20:56

Physically sick is a bit much.

You say they are more like sisters than friends, which is lovely, but in fact I never invited my sister to my parties. Just people in my class. We’re best friends now so doesn’t seem to have done any lasting damage.

Tiredmum100 · 18/02/2019 20:57

I wouldn't worry. I'm sure they'll do something together another time or you could offer to take them for a day out somewhere. My son's have not been invited to all their cousins birthday parties despite him being the same age as my eldest ds and them all getting on brilliant with each other. They go to different schools so it's only natural it happens. My ds recently had a birthday party and I didn't invite my cousins son or my godson despite them all getting on and being the same age. It was more down to logistics and the group dynamic rather wanting to exclude them. I just didn't mention it to them as not to upset them. I am still best friends with my oldest friend. Our mother's were friends, I don't actually remember not knowing her. We went to primary school together but different comps, college, uni. We didn't go to each other's birthday parties after primary school (well I do remember her 18 th actually) but I love her like a sister and would be lost without her. We're about mid 30s now, it's really not a big deal! Just don't mention it to your daughter.

fikel · 18/02/2019 20:58

If you are so upset you could maybe question the misunderstanding in the invite to the party and then say how fantastic it is that they can have another celebration. It is hard when friendships don’t go the way we want them too. My DD is at high school and she has a couple of primary school friends that I thought would remain v close. They now only link up when I link up with their Mums too. She has gone on to make new friends and I would say although I understand that you are upset it is best to keep it upbeat and light hearted with your friend and DD

SileneOliveira · 18/02/2019 21:01

This is very weird. All of us who have had children of this age know that friendships change. Your friends at 4 or 5 are a different group of people by 8 or 9, then when you move to secondary at 11 or 12 it all changes again. Also, being invited to the parties of friends' younger siblings is weird too.

It is entirely unrealistic to expect two children to remain besties for life just because their mums met at an antenatal group. Forcing friendships never, ever works.

I think, in the nicest way possible, the friend is sending the message that she is trying to move on. Your daughter might consider her as a best friend, but the feeling is not reciprocated.

NerrSnerr · 18/02/2019 21:03

Friendships change through the years and which of these friends come to parties etc also change. They may grow up best friends or they may drift apart. Maybe it's a bit intense for them?

MadeForThis · 18/02/2019 21:41

Ate you worried that this is a sign your own friendship is in danger? It's a strong reaction for 2 little girls being friends. Presumably your dd has her own group of school friends.

Are you worried about losing your friend? Perfectly natural if you have no family. But hopefully an overreaction.

EatToTheBeet · 19/02/2019 10:10

I’ve got two dds. They are very close and get on like a house on fire. They do t go to each other’s birthday parties if the party isn’t at home. They did when they were little but not at that age.

They also have cousins who they are very close to. We see each other all the time and the dc are all images. Again they don’t go to each other’s parties with school friends. We do a separate celebration at the birthday child or adults home. Just a meal chosen by the person whose birthday it is and a cake.

Hoppinggreen · 19/02/2019 17:07

Firstly you are totally over reacting and if you do then your dd will pick up on that and it will make things worse.
We have friends we socialise we regularly who we met through our DD’s but they now go to different schools. They still get on very well but no longer go to each others birthday parties - it’s not a big deal and I’ve never felt the urge to throw up over it!
Get a grip OP

BreakYourselfAgainstMyStones · 19/02/2019 17:11

She is planning on doing something with your dd as well though.

Your reaction is really OTT.

Is this making you question your friendship with the mum and that's why you're so upset?

RedSkyLastNight · 19/02/2019 17:20

So there is a party for school friends and other mum is organising something separate for your DD and her DD?
And your DD is not invited to school friends party on account of not being a school friend?

This is really a non event. I expect theire might also be a family birthday celebration, are you annoyed your DD is not invited to that either?

anniehm · 19/02/2019 17:21

Unfortunately just because you and her mother get along, doesn't mean they will stay friends - they hang out together because you set it up. Perhaps the other girl doesn't feel your dd is a best friend any more. I had friends growing up who were the offspring of my parents friends and around that age we drifted apart, we had our own friends. Occasionally we do cross paths now but you can't contrive a friendship (trust me, my great friend is dreaming of our two children getting together romantically, it's just not going to happen!)

explodingkitten · 19/02/2019 17:30

It's a school friend party, your daughter foesn't go to the school so doesn't belong there. You wouldn't plan a party for the members of a ballet class and then include an outsider, that would be weird.

cheshirecat777 · 19/02/2019 17:34

its v difficult to know what has gone on

but i am guessing you are finding thia harder given your lack of other family support in that you are perhaos projecting it as a blow against you having a family type relationship

hopefully its an innocent thing of other mum wanting to do something special with both of the girls as a seperate thing from the party

kids do grow apart. also in one of my DC class i had a fellow mum in floods of tears to me that her DC had been "excluded" from another childs party - the child was a bit of a bully had made the other boy cry regulaly etc - the mum was v upset her child had been excluded from a party with "all her friendship group" the truth is the boys where not in a "friendship group" and the party boy actively disliked the other boy. my point is sometimes we dont always know as a parent how close children are etc i felt bad in this aituation both for the upset mum but also the party mum who had pressure placed on her to invite the boy the son didnt want at the party because his mother had got so upset etc

Lookingforadvice123 · 19/02/2019 17:39

Fartingisfun I still like to do the same as your son as a 30 something year old! Much easier not to mix friendship groups, especially when some groups eg from uni are ones I don't see all that often, so would like proper quality time to catch up just them.

BlueMerchant · 19/02/2019 17:40

It's a bit dramatic to say they have been friends since birth. They've likely been kind of forced into a friendship due to you and her mum being close. It's very likely that had you and her mum not been friends the two girls would have not formed a friendship at all. Sounds like this girl is maturing and forming new friendships which is only to be expected esp as she goes to a different school and see's her classmates regularly.
I would encourage my daughter to join in with others and form a wider circle of friends. She shouldn't be investing so much in being 'best friends' this other little girl who obviously has other ideas and to be blunt- neither should you.

Thirtyrock39 · 19/02/2019 18:12

Friendships do change a lot around year 3 and 4 and it can be really hard as a parent as the influence you have over your children's friendships starts to fade. I've been on both sides of this and it is really hurtful when your child doesn't get invited but try not to let your daughter see you're upset too
It's an age where kids very much choose the guest list. We didn't invite the daughter of a close friend of mine to an 8th party as the girls weren't that close and my daughter didn't want to and the mum never forgave me
My daughter in year 3 formed a new friendship with a girl who had had a NCT best friend and the mums of my daughters new friend and the Nct friend were really bothered that the 'best friends since babies' friendship had been changed - five years on they still are a bit funny about it 🙄