Worried about ds at school

[CuckooCuckooClock]

Ds is in year R. He's a fairly lively boy and a bit mischievous. He usually doesn't do as he's asked first time but will cooperate eventually without tantrums. He has an older sister who is a total angel so next to her he seems like a nightmare but next to other boys his age he's well behaved.
Ok that's the background.
Ever since he start school he's been getting into rough play with the other boys. He comes home telling me he's been kicked, hit, slapped. We have had many injury forms sent home where he has 'been caught by another child's foot' I have spoken to the teacher and ta and they say he's part of the game and seem very blasé about it. Last week the teacher spoke to me after school to say he'd kicked another child in the face. He said they'd chased him up the climbing frame and wouldn't let him come down.
He has said he's scared of a couple of the other boys.
Today I find a note in his planner saying he bit another child!
I just have no idea what to think or do.
Is he a monster? Can I just not see it because he's mine? Or is he lashing out because he's unhappy at school?
How do you find out what the hell is going on with a 4 yo?

Have a meeting with the teacher. If you bite at our school the teacher calls you up. They sound very lax and the roughness is getting out of hand. They need to do some work on 'gentle hands' and what is and is not acceptable

Thanks for replying. I will try to meet with the teacher next week.
I did think like they weren't taking things very seriously. I would have thought a bite warrants more than a note in a planner. I hope the other kid is ok. I feel sick thinking about it. He's never bitten before to my knowledge.

I've felt for sometime that things sounded out of hand. Too many violent stories. But I have spoken to the teacher before and she didn't seem at all concerned.

I think kicking a child in the face when you're up on a climbing frame and higher than the other child could be explained , but biting another person?

No way

That is just wrong and vindictive imo

Thanks Gina that's a really useful reply

Bump

I'm sorry you feel that way. But it's what I think.

My son is also in reception and has been on the end of other boys feet and hands numerous times since September. I’ve not been made aware of him hitting or kicking at anyone though. The teachers seem fairly quick to discipline any child for being rough - rough play isn’t allowed. I think the teachers need to put a stop to it to be honest.

I agree that the teachers should stop it. My ds never got in trouble at nursery and now every day he has either hurt someone else or been hurt by someone.

But if the teachers aren't stopping it what can I do? And how do I find out if ds is the instigator or just protecting himself? What I really want is to observe the classroom but I'm guessing that's totally out of order.

What does he say when you talk to him? I have a 4yo and while he's sensible, at home he can still turn around and do something random like thro something at someone. Even if they're lax in school is he not getting the message at home too? And he's not a monster, but it does need to be stopped now before he's the 5yo or 6yo or ...

Ha! I’d love to be a fly on the wall in my son’s class, I’ve no idea what happens in there all day.

We’ve told our son to never retaliate, just move away and tell his teacher if someone hurts him.

If it were my child I’d wonder how they ended up in a situation where they bit someone, it seems odd for a child to just walk up to someone and bite or was there some back and forth?

Yes he's told at home that hitting, pushing, kicking are totally unacceptable. If he does lash out at his sister - and it has happened - he's in a lot of trouble. We have an absolute zero tolerance at home and we have talked many times about not hitting back but just walking away and telling the teacher at school.

Well I've no idea why he bit another kid and he says he can't remember what happened.

next to her he seems like a nightmare but next to other boys his age he's well behaved
He's not though if he's kicking and biting.
Is he a monster?
No he's not a monster either. He's a 4yo who is learning.

I would go into it with the teacher in a "we're all in this together" mode and work out a plan of action. She's saying they're all doing it, and you want to know how it's being discouraged. You want to know how they're dealing with it, and what you can do to support the school in helping your ds (you can't speak about the other children) to develop control not to behave like this.

Don't go in assuming it's all them, and your ds being led. If the teacher says that, fine, and you work on it from that angle. But it doesn't sound like that's what the teacher thinks, so you need to deal with it from that side.

Also remember that "Violent stories" from a 4yo can depend on the teller. Dd1 you used to hear how A had helped the teacher, B had looked after C when they'd fallen over, D had got a sticker for saying thank you...
Dd2 I'd hear how Z had pushed the Lego tower over on purpose, Y had hit X and W had thrown sand in V's face...*

Yes, dd2's class was more "interesting" but not to the extent that you would have got the impression by listening to them.
They're still like that at secondary. Dd1 will be telling me how one person had got an award from XYZ while Dd2 is telling me how M and N aren't talking.

*Ds only told me the score at the lunchtime football and what he'd eaten for lunch

Exactly I really don't know the truth.
And when I said he was well behaved I meant outside school. My personal observation is that he's well behaved but then all this is happening at school and I'm trying to figure out why he appears to be a different person in school than outside school.
I will ask the teacher how they are dealing with it and see what she says.
I've seen rough play at parties from other boys that I wouldn't allow myself but ds has not got involved but maybe he would if I wasn't there. I just don't know.

You need to make an appointment with the teacher and talk about it properly. You can’t just take his word for it. Something is going on and it probably isn’t just him, but it’s getting out of hand and school need to manage it better. Biting is a “sent to head teacher” offence at our school, even in Reception year. He is probably overwhelmed with school and all the rules and doesn’t know how to handle all the various social situations he comes across. Is he a young 4 year old? How are his communication skills? Children who struggle to do communicate and express their feelings articulately can lash out and use agression out of frustration (my newphew is like this) because they don’t know how to explain what they want or how they feel.

Unruly behaviour is not uncommon in YR but school need to get on top of “kind hands” and playing nicely together.

He's nearly 5 and very articulate. his language skills are better than expected for his age according to his teacher. Not sure about his maturity because I don't really have a reference point.
I have spoken to the teacher and she's been very blasé. I found out about the bite from a note in his planner that finished 'have a lovely weekend'

It's a tough situation because school are obviously very nonchalant about rough behaviour. The op wants the school to take a firmer line but she can't force them!

Thanks hollow that's exactly it.
I am worried that they're not as strict as I am and DS is getting away with too much

It sounds like they need better supervision. Do they not have enough people on duty at break times?

"but biting another person?
No way
That is just wrong and vindictive imo"

Children bite for lots of different reasons and it is rarely because they enjoy hurting other people.
It's time for a meeting with the school to discuss what is going on and how your son can be best supported to not kick and bite at school.

DS’s playground was a bit ‘fighty’ at the start of the year. Lots of parents went in to speak to the teachers (individually not as a group) and eventually it calmed down. So in your shoes I would definitely go in to speak to the teacher but I would also try to speak to other parents to get an idea of the extent of the problem.

Thanks for the replies. I will speak to the teacher on Monday if she's available.
I have spoken to a few other parents and had mixed responses but we all have different ideas of what is acceptable so it's hard to say.

They do have problems recruiting for lunchtime supervisors so might be understaffed and lots of it goes on in the classroom and there's obviously at most 2 adults for 30 kids so hard for them to keep an eye on everyone.