Worried about ds at school

[CuckooCuckooClock]

Ds is in year R. He's a fairly lively boy and a bit mischievous. He usually doesn't do as he's asked first time but will cooperate eventually without tantrums. He has an older sister who is a total angel so next to her he seems like a nightmare but next to other boys his age he's well behaved.
Ok that's the background.
Ever since he start school he's been getting into rough play with the other boys. He comes home telling me he's been kicked, hit, slapped. We have had many injury forms sent home where he has 'been caught by another child's foot' I have spoken to the teacher and ta and they say he's part of the game and seem very blasé about it. Last week the teacher spoke to me after school to say he'd kicked another child in the face. He said they'd chased him up the climbing frame and wouldn't let him come down.
He has said he's scared of a couple of the other boys.
Today I find a note in his planner saying he bit another child!
I just have no idea what to think or do.
Is he a monster? Can I just not see it because he's mine? Or is he lashing out because he's unhappy at school?
How do you find out what the hell is going on with a 4 yo?

To be honest, I have seen this sort of thing a LOT. It's not necessarily something to be alarmed about but it is best stamped out for obvious reasons.

I find that what tends to happen is that in homes where the DS is the only child or has only sisters, he is described as this lovely gentle sort of boy and the parents are mystified. Ever seen him at soft play? I do find and I know it is a huge, massive generalisation but my personal experience is that generally boys are more physical than girls. WHen they start in reception, which is often the first time they've been left to their own devices, you get the boys who like the physical play and the boys who don't, put simply.

So - is he a monster, obviously not. Is he the boy you think you know? No to that, too. And so it is for all our children. Think back: were you the same at home and school?

He needs firm boundaries re no physical contact but also what to do if someone hurts him.

I had this years ago when I got stuck teaching year 7 fucking Drama, it was the devil's own job stopping boys from beating the shit out of each other. "Put on a play about monks taking a vow of silence" would still have incorporated a fight in somehow

I know you’reoat concerned about the biting but what really stood out was that he won’t do what you ask the first time. That’s a complete nightmare in the classroom. Does he do that at school too?
I would ask for a meeting with the teacher to see what they think of his behaviour and how they plan to tackle things.

Thanks both for the replies.
I get that it's a totally different ball game at school than at home with us. And even at soft play I've never seen him get physical with other kids.
He is physical though. He and I play lots of sports and I rough and tumble with him a bit so I thought I taught him boundaries but obviously I never cross those boundaries and I don't get carried away so things are going to be very different with another child. He's never going to feel scared of me but he is scared of some of his classmates.
I guess I thought not doing as asked first time was fairly standard 4yo stuff but maybe I've been too soft on following instructions. Must work on that.
Thanks for your help

I don’t know what you should do, but just wanted to say that you sound lovely.

Thanks. I'm actually really worried about this. I had really bad pnd after he was born and I'm always scared I've screwed him up by being a terrible mother.

My son loves rough play. When he was in reception he was particularly into wrestling - I let him (I know some parents don't ) - I have read a lot about rough play and for those chlidren who enjoy it is has a lot of benefits. It's normal and healthy if children are CHOOSING to do it and are doing it in a playful way where they are aware of boundaries.

So - I would say rough play at 4 is very very normal and yes sometimes kids will get hurt.

However - biting is not acceptable rough play. I actually think one of the problems is that chlidren who want to do rough play aren't allowed to and then they don't learn proper boundaries.

The school should be watching boys who are rough playing too much - in my experience it isn't usually allowed at all at school so I'm surprisd at what you are hearing.

Can you ask your son how he feels about it? Was he 'playing' and got hurt - or was it not playful? He will know the difference.

Im sorry - how ludicrous to suggest that 'not doing as asked first time' is a 'nightmare ' at school. Thats why they go to school! To learn to follow instructions in a group. I've been through reception twice recenlty with my kids and its very normal for children to take a while to get used to the multiple complex rules they have to follow.

I think the best thing OP is to have a chat with the teacher - she can tell you honestly if your sons behaviour is within the bounds of normal.

I have a four year old and she often has to be asked a few times about things - totally normal. What sort of things do you mean? If its about stopping certain types of play, again - normal for a child busily engaged in whatever to need to be told a few times....

Also - remember that 4 year olds in most european countries are still outdoors all day at kindergarten - they aren't doing phonics, or maths or being asked to sit cross legged on a carpet (completely boring thing for a 4 yr old) - your son is being pushed to unusual limits in following instruction for a child is age (if you look at it in a global comparison context). He has a lot going on!

You sound in denial and like you’ll refuse to accept that your child may be part of the problem even if the teacher/ta do try to help.

What exactly do you want?

I think there's probably a lot of factors in play here, and you may need to approach from different angles.

Firstly, 4 and half is an age when boys have a testosterone surge. I have two very gentle boys, but both became a bit physical at that age (hence me getting a book out of the library about 4 year old boys ). They calm down again at 5.

Second, school should have tighter control of this. I saw it in my dcs' school - play wrestling actually disguising real fighting that got out of hand. Ofsted commented in an otherwise glowing report.

Third, your DS will find himself in these "games" throughout his school career, so he needs to learn how to step away without feeling that he's losing face.

I would definitely make an appointment with the teacher to discuss, and ask how to work with her.

But I would also read the riot act to DS, tell him that you never want to see that in a report/planner again.

Then talk to him about how to handle these situations, work with him to see where the lines are. When to step back.

So, if he's playing a game and it feels out of control, so he becomes scared, how to get himself to a safe space without fighting back. How to work out which children to avoid in certain settings - DS1 had a child in his class who was very physical and caused no end of incidents with children at primary. DS once came home with a huge bruise the size of a man's hand on his side where he'd been kicked
hard.

Despite that, DS liked him, and thought he was fun. He had to learn to tell the boy that he was happy chatting and playing, but to step back if the boy wanted to play physical games. It worked, DS didn't get hurt again, but still kept a friendship with a very volatile child.

Ds2'class had a group of boys who liked to play very boisterous, chasey, fighty type games together. DS was one of them. All generally well behaved boys, they just got very over excited, giddy and took things too far sometimes. DS came home withead bump letters a few times and they rang me to say he'd kicked a boy who had pushed him over once. What sorted it was better supervision, them being dealt with sternly every time they started playing roughly and they also matured and learned how to play with each other more nicely as the year went on. There were a couple of incidents in Y1 but nothing since.

Thanks for the replies.
Lots of really useful information for me to think about.
Is it reasonable to expect no rough play allowed at all at school?

Found out more about the biting.
Apparently an older girl was chasing him and he didn't want to play with her. He said he told her that but she carried on so when she caught him and wrestled him to the ground he bit her. No mark on the girls skin according to DD and the girl wasn't upset but ds was crying.

I think it's normal that rough play in 'playtime ' etc is not allowed - a teacher friend of mine told me it has to be banned because they can't know what is consensual etc.

I think 'reading the riot act' over rough play seems a bit extreme to a four year old who has only been in reception a short time

I think biting if the child was frightened and in a situation they couldn't control is within normal for a four year old. Why was he playing with an older girl? Usually reception don't mix with older children.

They all mix - it's a small school and every one knows everyone. Not unusual for older children to play with younger ones.

I'll find out exactly what their policy is on rough play so I can make sure DS understands what is expected.