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Original poster

Seriously struggling - need urgent handhold

38 replies

blacksquareroundhole · 13/02/2019 10:28

-NC as don't want this linking to my regular profile-

I am seriously struggling. Ready to burst in anger. Walk out in front of a car. Scream at the world. Walk away and never come back.

I feel angry. Sad. Paranoid. Tired. On edge.

And I've had enough.

My life has become monotony. Even songs on the radio set my nerves off.

I feel the lowest in a LONG time. And I don't know who to turn to, or what to do.

OP posts:
Original poster
blacksquareroundhole · 13/02/2019 10:30

I am literally going from one extreme to the other. Ultimate elation because I love my son and life to utter turmoil and ready to just switch off.

I can't discuss with my husband because I've already put him through SO much.

OP posts:
PragmaticWench · 13/02/2019 10:30

Can you get an urgent appointment with your GP today, and tell them everything you've said here?

You need support.

Original poster
blacksquareroundhole · 13/02/2019 10:34

I feel so alone and it's my own doing. I have isolated friends. Then those I do have, I worry I burden them.

I feel like I am drowning.

My GP will just up my current meds... Ive been on them all. This is the "best" fit for me and when I'm "OK" they work best.

I've done CBT. I've seen a psychiatrist. I've been on stress courses. I've had group therapy.

I am having palpitations just thinking how stuck I feel in life.

OP posts:
ohfourfoxache · 13/02/2019 10:36

Please, GP as soon as you can. I promise, things can get better x

letsdolunch321 · 13/02/2019 10:37

Do you have friends to talk to in real life have you spoken to the samaritans.

Misty9 · 13/02/2019 10:38

What helps you to feel less/better at these times? Going for a walk? Whatever negative thing your head is telling you - do the opposite Flowers

Original poster
blacksquareroundhole · 13/02/2019 10:41

My head feels so busy. I just want to go back and change so many things.

I don't really have anyone to talk to.

My Mum will go into Mum mode. My husband, rightly so, is tired of my phases. And I basically lost my best friend yesterday because of the way I am.

I am at work. Trying to maintain composure.

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Misty9 · 13/02/2019 10:43

Have you ever tried mindfulness? Just try and focus on your breath - in and out - to give your head a brief respite. It's good you're at work but is it a job you enjoy? Have you eaten properly today?

Original poster
blacksquareroundhole · 13/02/2019 10:43

My view of the world is just so skewed.

I believe things are so black and white and they're not. And if it doesn't fit me or my view, I can't cope with it.

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ohfourfoxache · 13/02/2019 10:43

What things do you want to change?

Original poster
blacksquareroundhole · 13/02/2019 10:44

@Misty9 Yes... mindfulness is OK. But it only works in the moment.

The job is OK. I get too much time to think.

OP posts:
Original poster
blacksquareroundhole · 13/02/2019 10:45

What things do you want to change?

  • Being a useless parent. Shouting and wishing at times I was alone. All my son wants is my love. He told me yesterday "Mummy, I love you more than the planet earth." Says it all really.
  • Hurting my loved ones with the way I am
  • Certain actions I have done
OP posts:
Aridane · 13/02/2019 10:46

Do you have a mental health diagnosis?

ohfourfoxache · 13/02/2019 10:47

Oh shit, yep I can relate wholeheartedly xx

Original poster
blacksquareroundhole · 13/02/2019 10:50

@Aridane Yes. Depression and Anxiety. That's it.

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Original poster
blacksquareroundhole · 13/02/2019 10:50

I've forgotten to take my thyroid medication for the last week or so

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ohfourfoxache · 13/02/2019 10:50

You are not a shit parent. If you were then you’re DS wouldn’t tell you how much he loves you. A friend told me last week (had the exact same conversation) the bed thing you can give him is a smile. Take it from there, he really doesn’t care what happens, as long as Mummy can give him smiles. Do you feel able to give him kisses and cuddles?

We’ve ALL done things we’re not proud of. But, if you were faced with the same situation again, would you do the same thing? I’m guessing that’s a no. So we all have to learn, and the mistakes you made will have made you a better person

ohfourfoxache · 13/02/2019 10:51

Please, get that thyroid medication into you pronto. That won’t be helping!

Mondrian · 13/02/2019 10:52

Its all too easy to pile everything into an insurmountable mountain when you're feeling down and the absolute worst course of action. Start by tackling the problems you can, one step at a time and avoid looking at that mountain in your head as it doesn't exist.

Original poster
blacksquareroundhole · 13/02/2019 10:53

He is my world. And also my cryptonite at times.

I have no meds with me at work. I have just checked just in case.

I just want to go and get him from school, take him home and envelope him in m love. But he is a strong willed boy and we'd probbaly end up fighting. I love him but I wish it were easier

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Original poster
blacksquareroundhole · 13/02/2019 10:54

Wh have I been so stupid not taking my thyroid meds... LAst time I had a serious "crash" I realised I had forgotten them

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ohfourfoxache · 13/02/2019 10:55

Imagine the best you’ve ever felt. You have energy, you’re happy, you’re content. Got that picture in your head.

That’s a 10/10.

So if that’s 10/10, where are you right now on the scale?

What did you do when you were at a happiness scale of 10 that meant that the 10 was possible? What did you do? What did you say?

What can you do to work your way up to feeling better? Your not going to jump to 10, but what might get you even from a 1 to a 2?

You can’t eat an elephant in 1 bite. You have to nibble away and take it slowly. But with each step up the ladder, you will feel better x

ohfourfoxache · 13/02/2019 10:57

Keep some spares in your bag, that way you can take them as soon as you remember

Original poster
blacksquareroundhole · 13/02/2019 10:58

So if that’s 10/10, where are you right now on the scale? A 3 or 4.

What did you do when you were at a happiness scale of 10 that meant that the 10 was possible? What did you do? What did you say? I sat and cuddled my little boy, told him he was my world and my best friend and that I loved him more than the moon.

What can you do to work your way up to feeling better? Your not going to jump to 10, but what might get you even from a 1 to a 2? Binge eat. Go home. Sleep. Cry... Talking here is helping.

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