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Original poster

Have you ever spoken to another parent about bullying/being mean to yours?

55 replies

georgedawes · 12/02/2019 17:23

Before anyone tells me it's a bad idea and leave it to the school, I do realise this and would no doubt say so if a friend asked me their opinion. However I'm wavering! Have you ever told another parent what they are doing? Did they believe you? I'm put off by the fact that they're unlikely to believe their child capable of what they're doing; but wonder if a "tell your child to keep away from mine" might work.

OP posts:

megletthesecond · 12/02/2019 17:25

I wouldn't. I always let school sort it.

3teens2cats · 12/02/2019 17:28

If the unkind behaviour is happening in school then you must let them deal with it. From my own experience parents tend to take it personally or not believe you. I have never known a situation where it helped. If school already are dealing with it, let them talk to the other child's parents. It will come better from them.

Georgiemcgeorgeface · 12/02/2019 17:29

I have. I approached it very diplomatically with an appreciation that my child certainly isn't whiter than white. The other parent was actually very understanding and agreed he would speak to his child and find out what's gone on. Then he got back to me and said he does think that his child has been going too far with the 'teasing' and told his child to stay away from mine if he couldn't be nice! I did advise the school to keep an eye on things too. It resolved it the kids just stayed out of each other's way (weren't in same class or year).

I could see it could have gone the other way though so I was prepared for having to deal with to via school rather than through the parents.

School often advise against trying to sort things out yourself I think.

Original poster

georgedawes · 12/02/2019 17:31

See I'd say the same..but interested to hear if anyone has ever done it and what happened.

OP posts:

Opheliablox · 12/02/2019 17:32

I did once. It was happening in and out of school hence why I acted directly. The parent didn’t believe me and said that my problem was I had an only child. I was later contacted by another mum whose son had confirmed what I’d said was happening, was. The kid never bothered my kid again. Now 16, my kid isn’t exactly brimming over with compassion but will never see any kid bullied or excluded. He’s 6ft of pure confidence so he steps and never lets any kid sit alone.

Original poster

georgedawes · 12/02/2019 17:33

Thanks georgie. Sounds like you handled it well. I'm due to meet school tomorrow and will see how it goes. However I see one parent and child who is involved every week and the kid in question is so nice to me in front of her mum, who has no idea what she is doing to my daughter. It's making me furious tbh!

OP posts:

Original poster

georgedawes · 12/02/2019 17:34

I don't blame you for approaching them Ophelia. TBH I don't expect to be believed, but would be happy if they just kept their kid away from mine as you found happened.

OP posts:

HollySwift · 12/02/2019 17:35

No, but I’ve approached a parent that I overheard mention my son’s behaviour to a teacher. She explained what was going on, I spoke to my son to explain the effect his behaviour was having and told him to stop. He did. Kids happy, parents happy. Personally, I want to know directly if my kids are causing issues so I can sort it.

I’d be nervous of doing the approaching if it was my child being hurt though...

Opheliablox · 12/02/2019 17:40

I did also send a note to the teacher. Very diplomatic, asking her to just keep an eye on things. She wrote back thanking me and saying my note had been “VERY helpful”. I took that to mean she knew the other kid was a sly little turd. Sorry, but he was

Hope you sort it OP

Kaykay06 · 12/02/2019 17:40

Depends if the kids are normally friends and how well you know the parent.

My then 7 year old was being a bit rough with his friend and hitting him - they’ve been friends since they were tiny so no other issues so was quite shocked when his mum spoke to me about it. She was quite firm that it needed to stop (obviously it was totally unacceptable of my son) so she also spoke to him about it. But we are good friends I think otherwise I’d expect the parent to go via school and get it sorted that way. Luckily the boys sorted things out and my son was punished by me for his behaviour and it hasn’t occurred again but I was upset to be told but I’d have done the same if it was her son.

So if you’re close with the mum or know her well it can still be a shock and give them a chance to speak to their kid about it then get back to you to sort out things. My son apologised to his friend and they had a hug and I’m glad they can still be close.

Original poster

georgedawes · 12/02/2019 17:44

Don't know either parent well and their children are not normally friends with mine - they're just picking on her for fun. I think I do need to give school a chance here (and I will) but I may say something if nothing improves.

OP posts:

Nodrama999 · 12/02/2019 17:47

I think it depends on the parent. There are some mums who I would go to and raise it with them directly (non-confrontational) and others who I know I would be wasting my time with and go directly to the school. If I didn’t know the parent then I would go to the school

Aprilshowersarecomingsoon · 12/02/2019 17:53

Please don't.
I had a crazed dm at my door, stood for an hour reminding me she was a karate black belt, blah de blah, how my dd had behaved disgustingly towards her ds. Had made him cry and now he couldn't face his friends again. Struggling to sleep /eat etc. Stood there pretty dumb struck tbh.
All because my dd had dumped her ds.
They are 12.
Week later had to report her db for assaulting my dd on the school bus.
Still waiting for any action and it was before Christmas.
Won't be going to her door. Black belt aside its best left to school to sort out imo.

queribus · 12/02/2019 17:53

In my very recent (and bitter) experience, let the school deal with it. They know how to approach it and they are 'neutral'.

In my case, the parent refused to believe that their child could possibly do anything wrong, even when I had evidence. Screamed at me in the street and now refuses to speak to me.

Original poster

georgedawes · 12/02/2019 17:58

I don't think me telling another parent that their daughter is belittling mine and to keep them away from her in future is quite the same as what happened to you april!

I suppose my opinion on this is clouded because the class teacher is not approachable and generally makes it clear she doesn't want to get involved with class friendship problems. Hopefully this won't be the case here though.

OP posts:

BGD2012 · 12/02/2019 18:04

My 11 year old son was being bullied by a group of teenage boys (who have a reputation) on the journey home from school. Eventually he got hit by some of them so we visited the parents homes and also reported it to the school. We made it clear to the parents we would escalate if it happened again. I hope things improve for your daughter.

bourbonbiccy · 12/02/2019 18:58

I think it depends how competent the school are at dealing with these things, I went through a small spell of being bullied at school ( obviously some years ago now and would hope schools have improved in a couple of decades ) my parents gave the school a chance to resolve it, they couldn't as the father couldn't really control his own daughter very well, so my father had to deal with it direct.
She never looked at me again.
I think I would probably do the same, give the school an initial chance, then step in if its not resolved.

twentytimes · 12/02/2019 18:58

If you did go to talk to them, how would you react if they then said that your daughter has been bullying theirs as well?

lyralalala · 12/02/2019 19:08

Tbh it depends on the parent. I've done it twice.

Once the Mum was mortified, agreed with me to keep the kids apart. She then spoke to her child, actually dealt with it and approached me later to apologise as it was totally down to hers. She also checked in every now and again to make sure all was ok.

The second time the Mum was fine, and we chatted at the gates and agreed to tell the kids to stay away from each other. The next day the Dad approached me, threatened all sorts, screamed at me and spat in my face. I would never approach another parent again.

I've also been approached twice. Once by a parent who felt my DS was being too rough. I didn't agree that it was entirely down to DS (her DS would start the rough game then dislike it), but I agreed to tell my DS to stop playing the rough game at all.
The second time I spoke to my DD, died of shame when I spoke to my DD and discovered she was part of the group picking on the child and made sure the other Mum knew I'd dealt with it. I also checked in with her regularly to make sure it didn't reoccur.

BloodyHellBeryl · 12/02/2019 19:19

Yes, many years ago when my daughter was aged around 9, she was slapped and punched by a girl 4 years older than her. I went out and found this girl ( I knew who she was and where she lived ) I grabbed her by the scruff of her neck and dragged her to her home.
Her mother answered my furious hammering on the door where she got her brat slung at her with the promise that if she didn't control her then I would return and punch her ( the mother's ) lights out for her.
Never had no bother after that.

MsMamaNature · 12/02/2019 19:29

I have intervened when school was unable to - headteacher was very good friends with the mother of the child and seemed to value that friendship rather than the welfare of the pupils. There were many incidents of physical bullying of my son and several other boys over a period of about 6 months. The school failed to sort out the problem so I did - the final incident involved my son coming home with a lump on his head where he had been smacked by a full packed lunch box. We had no phone call about the incident when it happened - I only found out when I went to pick him up. He ended up in A&E being monitored for concussion. When he returned to school I spoke to his mother privately in the car park. I told her exactly what had been going on and that if it continued (and she couldn't/wouldn't control her son) then I would inflict the same injuries on her. Not my finest or proudest moment in life but it worked. Her son avoided mine like the plague. This happened about 10 years ago. Her son is currently in a young offenders centre (for assault) and I highly suspect he will be a regular in an adult prison before long.

lalafafa · 12/02/2019 19:30

yes, a boy was constantly hitting my daughter at school, I pulled him and his mum up in the playground and told him if it happened again I would sort him out. Never did it again, he's got form and the mum didn't say a word.

claraschu · 12/02/2019 19:35

I have two friends who intervened directly when their kids were being bullied. They talked very directly, (not threatening violence) to the bullies and to the parents, and the problems were resolved.This was after the school was unable or unwilling to deal with it.

Chottie · 12/02/2019 20:27

I would not advice you to speak to the parents. I did this once and it did not go well at all. DM refused to believe her little darling could possibly hold another child in a head lock......

I would speak to the school.

AguerosAngel · 12/02/2019 20:35

I approached the other parent as we were (I thought) good friends. We couldn’t get to the bottom of it and both agreed to let the school intervene.

School did intervene and dealt with it swiftly, the other child was found to have lied quite considerably throughout and tried to implicate another child in the nastiness.

My “friend” didn’t like this and used her position in DS local sports club to cause untold trouble and told lies herself about DS as she refused to believe her DC could do any wrong.

In my opinion there’s no right or wrong way as even leaving it to school can still cause trouble.

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