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Original poster

My boyfriend's not ready for a baby... but i am

42 replies

AxelRose123 · 12/02/2019 09:21

When we first got together my bf had said we could try when my implant came out (end of 2019/start of 2020), a few months ago we had a few drinks and he told me he wanted to start trying in a few months. We recently discussed it and hes now saying when hes 30 (7 years away). However he keeps getting excited for all his family and friends who are having kids but if i bring it up im guilt tripping him. Idk what to do?

OP posts:
ShowOfHands · 12/02/2019 09:23

How old are you? How long have you been together? What's your housing and work situation?

CameliaCamelia · 12/02/2019 09:32

What do you do? Not get pregnant for a start

He sounds sensible

Bombardier25966 · 12/02/2019 09:34

It's very different being pleased for other people than wanting a baby imminently yourself.

Always take things said after alcohol with a pinch of salt. And during sex too.

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silkpyjamasallday · 12/02/2019 09:38

If he is 23 I assume you are a similar age, he is being sensible and I say that as someone who had a baby at 21. How long have you been together? Are you both employed and can afford a baby?

SayNoToCarrots · 12/02/2019 09:44

I dont think its fair to start a relationship dangling the carrot of a baby soon, and then once the relationship is secure change the goal posts. Are you sure that when you get to 30, he wont change his mind again?

BitchQueen90 · 12/02/2019 09:47

23 is young to have a baby. I had mine at 22 and it is incredibly hard.

NotSuchASmugMarriedNow1 · 12/02/2019 09:55

Why not get married and buy a house first? It's nigh on impossible to get a mortgage when you're paying for dependants and childcare

Auntiepatricia · 12/02/2019 10:00

This is not going to end well. OP honestly I think you need to grow up a bit. Your BF sounds a bit more sensible.

Honestly be careful what you wish for. Would it not be worth going through the process of getting married first? It’s a good way to check the stability of a young relationship. Not everyone wants to get married but as a very young woman, tying yourself to a baby without marriage is seriously a recipe for disaster. Or at least a shittier set up than it could have been.

Original poster
AxelRose123 · 12/02/2019 10:24

I have 1 child who lives with us full time and he has 1 from a previous relationship who we get 1 day a week. We have a 3 bed home together. The thing is as someones posted further up, what if he changes his mind when hes 30.

OP posts:
gamerchick · 12/02/2019 10:28

What's the rush though? There are already 2 children in the mix. There's nothing wrong with waiting a few years before having another one. He's 23, I'm assuming you're a similar age. You don't need to fill those bedrooms up just because they're spare.

Auntiepatricia · 12/02/2019 10:31

Do you not know him or trust him enough that he does want kids with you later? If not, having a kid now is not the solution to that. It’s a really difficult situation for you but having a baby is the opposite of fixing this.

Somethingsmellsnice · 12/02/2019 10:31

Do not try for a baby until he is ready too. Do not be THAT woman!

Bananalanacake · 12/02/2019 10:32

Good that you have your own place but how long have you been together. You need a solid relationship before a baby.

Original poster
AxelRose123 · 12/02/2019 10:34

Hes already changed his mind twice when its come to children and im just scared he wont want any when he gets to 30. His son keeps telling us he wants another brother too.

OP posts:
Original poster
AxelRose123 · 12/02/2019 10:36

Fyi i would never try to have one without him wanting one, wouldn't ever do that to him or a baby. And ive known him for 5/6 years but weve been together for 1

OP posts:
RiverTam · 12/02/2019 10:38

so you're both early twenties and both have a child each from previous relationships?

Damn right I think you should slow down.

AnchorDownDeepBreath · 12/02/2019 10:43

Hes already changed his mind twice when its come to children and im just scared he wont want any when he gets to 30. His son keeps telling us he wants another brother too.

Your son might, now, most do - they also want to give them back once they're actually here!

On a more serious note, there's no guarantee that he'll want another child at 30, or before, especially if he changes his mind often. You both already have children; you know what's involved. Your decisions here are, are you happy to wait until he's ready? If not, this relationship is over already. If you are, how long are you willing to wait? 30 feels far away but the average woman would have a decent amount of fertility left then.

At 23, I'd have said I couldn't wait until 30 to have kids, it would have felt a lifetime away. I'm 29 this year and it's come round so fast. And I love kids, most of my friends have them!

You can't change his readiness; and neither can he. You can just evaluate whether his status matches yours and whether it's worth waiting to be with him or going to find someone who is ready now.

AnxietyDream · 12/02/2019 10:43

If I wanted a child I wouldn't wait 7 years on the off chance that my partner wanted kids then (and sorry, no one knows for certain how they will feel in seven years).

If having kids soon is important to you, split up and find someone on the same page.

Original poster
AxelRose123 · 12/02/2019 10:44

I was on the pill when i got pregnant... while i was very ill (bad nausua) my ex decided he wanted sex.... i didnt... maybe dont be so judgemental

OP posts:
Auntiepatricia · 12/02/2019 10:46

God people on here are always upset and struggling saying why is life so hard, why have I no money, why can’t I easily leave my bad relationship, etc etc. These are sometimes the reasons why. Tying yourself to a man via a baby, opting out of the workforce with nothing to fall back on, going ahead with things you want rather than things you need. I see people time and time again cutting their legs off in terms of stability and finances and happiness. Usually it’s too late when the baby is already here and the advice is to try and make the best of things, try to leave even though you end up with literally nothing etc. But OP your next baby isn’t here yet. You can still make good choices that put the needs of your existing child first and YOUR needs for the future second. The need to have a baby is way down the list compared to those two.

People hate this topic and opinion for obvious reasons. Nobody likes to be told they’ve made bad choices (because a baby is a blessing etc etc) but you still have choices here. Make them very very carefully.

How would you work and earn enough for childcare of two small kids on your own? Or are you currently very well paid in a job with mat leave?

Bombardier25966 · 12/02/2019 10:48

How old are you OP? Do you work, have you started a career?

Perhaps your partner wants more security behind him before he brings a third child into the family unit.

OfficeSlave · 12/02/2019 10:49

He sounds sensible, you've only been together a year and already have children. but only you know him. Everyone has the right to change their mind about wanting children, too. He may change his mind again at or before 30. You might, too.

If its something really important to you, you have to discuss in terms of, this is something i definitely want, then ask his honest thoughts on whether he really WANTS children again at 30 or if its something he will go along with or is saying as a compromise to please you, but has no real desire for more children. Just ask him to be honest and don't punish him for the answer. Its better to know than to spend years having things unsaid or confused like so many people seem to.

You may or may not be compatible, but its better to know.

NunoGoncalves · 12/02/2019 10:49

I do think there's no rush but agree that waiting 7 years makes no sense. Of course he could easily just change his mind again by then and say he wants to wait til he's 35.

It's obviously important to you so you need to have a serious adult conversation about it. Compromise, discuss when is the latest you want to leave it, and be aware of the fact that if you can't agree on that and/or he keeps putting it off and saying "next year", you will either have to accept not having kids with him, or leave him.

CosmicCanary · 12/02/2019 10:51

Dont you think 1 year in to a relationship is too soon to be thinking of children?

You are both early 20s and already have children. Whats wrong with taking time to just enjoy the relationship?
Why the rush?

Deadringer · 12/02/2019 10:55

You have only been together a year, you are in your early 20s with 2 DC between you, and your boyfriend doesn't want a baby yet. Is that a fair summary? What's the rush?

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