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Original poster

My boyfriend's not ready for a baby... but i am

42 replies

AxelRose123 · 12/02/2019 09:21

When we first got together my bf had said we could try when my implant came out (end of 2019/start of 2020), a few months ago we had a few drinks and he told me he wanted to start trying in a few months. We recently discussed it and hes now saying when hes 30 (7 years away). However he keeps getting excited for all his family and friends who are having kids but if i bring it up im guilt tripping him. Idk what to do?

OP posts:

Original poster

AxelRose123 · 12/02/2019 10:55

Thank you to the last couple of comments. I will discuss it tonight and go from there. In no way am i wanting to have a baby right this second. It would be towards the middle of next year if we were going to.

OP posts:

Original poster

AxelRose123 · 12/02/2019 10:56

There's no rush im just scared that if we get to 30 hes going to change his mind again

OP posts:

Racecardriver · 12/02/2019 10:58

If it matters that much to you find someone else.

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AnotherEmma · 12/02/2019 11:08

I'm not impressed by these replies, everyone seems to be judging and patronising the OP. The boyfriend does not sound "sensible", he is messing her around by changing the goal posts all the time. It is sensible for them to wait before TTC but it is not sensible to make meaningless promises about it and then keep changing his mind. If I had to guess I'd say that he didn't necessarily mean it at the beginning but he said it to reel you in. It's about manipulation and control, he talks about it when he wants but criticises you for talking about it.

I'm sorry your ex treated you so badly. Please think carefully about how your boyfriend is treated you now.

Original poster

AxelRose123 · 12/02/2019 11:12

Thank you, he does treat me amazing, and treats my son just like he does with his. We had a full discussion at the start of the relationship (didn't want kids to get attached to each other and then take them appart). I know plans change its just from 1 year to 7 is a lot.

OP posts:

Nicknacky · 12/02/2019 11:16

I think he is being very sensible to wait. He has one child who he doesn’t live with, maybe he needs to be more certain before he brings another child into a relationship where it means if it doesn’t work out he doesn’t get to live with his child again?

A year isn’t long, particularly when you already have children and other priorities.

elibee · 12/02/2019 11:20

I think he's sensible to not want another child so soon but 7 years away is a long time and it's not fair of him to keep changing the goal posts at the last second.

I think you need to sit down with him and discuss why he doesn't feel ready for another baby yet and try and compromise on a goal that your both happy with.

mrsk28 · 12/02/2019 11:30

I would definitely have another conversation about it and explain that you feel another 7 years is a long time to wait when it was supposed to be 1 year. I don't think that's unreasonable.

Also I'm sure you would prefer your children be closer in age if possible. Ask him why the change of heart and if it's on the cards to revisit the topic sooner than 7 years and try to come up with a compromise.

I wouldn't throw away a relationship for someone changing the timeline of what they want. It's not like he said no kids at all.

SweetheartNeckline · 12/02/2019 11:35

30 seems a rather random "plucked from the air" figure. What does he really mean by "30"? Is it shorthand for "a proper grown up"? (When I was 23 I thought I'd be sorted and feel mature by 30... now I'm 30 I think a proper grown-up is 40 )

Does he want your current 2 children to be more independent, at school or out of paid-for childcare?

Does he want to own a house?

Does he want a certain cushion in savings?

Does he want to be at a certain point in his career?

Does he want to be married?

Are there ways you can work towards some of those goals together and bring the date forward, while not wishing away you DC's childhoods or the excitement of a new relationship? Even late 2019/early 2020 (2 yeaes together) would be soon to start TTC in relationship terms unless you had age related or health reasons to go for it sooner rather than later. We'd been together 4 years and married for 2 when DD1 arrived and it was still a massive learning curve for us both.

Original poster

AxelRose123 · 12/02/2019 11:37

We'd agreed (as long as we had a house and were stable) just over 2 years. And i wouldn't throw away the relationship, especially coz our boys love each other so much

OP posts:

theharlotletter · 12/02/2019 11:43

Can you comfortably afford another baby and for you to take maternity leave etc? Or will you be relying on the state to partially support the life choices you want rather than the necessary choices?

Original poster

AxelRose123 · 12/02/2019 11:44

Theres a high possibly of fibro when i get older (mum was diagnosed with hypermobility and arthritis in her late 30s when i was born)

He does want to get married but its not a massive thing for him, and we said we wanted another kid before marrige

OP posts:

PresidentHump · 12/02/2019 11:44

You're 23, you've been together one year and you already have two children. What's the rush? Also he is entitled to change his mind. It's been a year. A lot of couples in your position wouldn't even be talking about children yet - they wouldn't be living together even. It's not like you're both 40 and childless and it's now or never.

Bombardier25966 · 12/02/2019 12:06

No, there's a possibility you might get fibromyalgia. There's a higher incidence of fibro within families, but no causal genetic link has been identified.

Don't make such life changing decisions based on incorrect or exaggerated information.

GemmeFatale · 12/02/2019 12:09

A year in, with a child each? I’d expect you to be talking about introducing each other to the kids as mummy/daddy’s boy/girlfriend. Maybe a discussion of living together later in the year if everyone got one well.

It feels like you’re rushing

GemmaXOX · 12/02/2019 12:13

Honestly, me and my husband have been together 5 years and only just started to think about it. Enjoy your time while your young!

sit down and think everything through, can you afford another child, can you give the time and effort required for another one, what happens if its twins, if you have a 3 bed already and 2 kids between you where will you fit another one. will we have to upgrade the car,
Spend a bit of time enjoying life together first.

only 1 year in, chill! you have plenty of time ahead of you. take the kids away on holiday and go and experience things that you cant necessarily do with a young baby.

Snappedandfarted2019 · 12/02/2019 12:13

You might not even be together in 7 years time you only been together a short time. Slow down and think of the existing children you already have. Complete and utter madness wanting a baby when you got other dc to think of in such a short space of time.

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