AA held me together while i was learning how to live sober. it’s not the putting it down, it’s the not picking it up again - that’s the hard bit.
i lost everything to drink. my job, my kid, my marriage (although it was a huge contributing factor, actually) and my home. i very nearly died.
i went to AA for 6 months before i finally quit the drink. in the end, lying collapsed on my own in my rented flat, freezing in the dark and not knowing if it was night, day or even what day, i finally had enough.
i did it the hard way. in the end, i swallowed my pride, and my atheism, and i threw everything i had into getting sober. i got a tough sponsor, worked the steps and, one day at a time, i have almost 5 years. i saved my relationship with my kid, and every day i don’t pick up a drink, she trusts me a little more. she’s 19 and at uni, and i am so proud of her.
OP, i was SO angry at AA when i couldn’t stay sober. i couldn’t understand why nobody was investing their time in making sure i wasn’t drinking. but the kicker is, you see, that nobody can save you except yourself.
it doesn’t have to be AA. it could be SMART meetings. or life ring, or your local drug and alcohol service. it could be Buddhism, yoga or meditation. but, if you do nothing, nothing changes.
i’m alcoholic through and through. born to alcoholics, raised by alcoholics, drinking to get drunk from age 8, drinking to blackout by 13. at the beginning of the end, i drank round the clock. i had awful accidents, i hurt myself badly on occasion. i turned up drunk at work, and kept on doing it until i ended up on the psych ward, with no job left to go to. i drank for another 18 months after that.
it’s in my DNA. i didn’t stop drinking because i didn’t like it any more - i loved it, but in the end, it was killing me, and i finally chose to live.
i’m nearly 46, OP. and i spent 32 years drinking. i’m nearly 5 years sober, and it still astonishes me sometimes.
now, listen. if i can quit, you can quit. but, only you can do it. and you can’t begin to want better for yourself without learning how to love yourself. you deserve so much better than a life wasted in drink.
my life’s not perfect, or easy now i’m sober. i’m still bonkers, still face challenges every day. i don’t go to meetings any more, but without question, AA saved my life. my worst day sober is still better than my best day drunk.
you’re worth more than this. you deserve better. if you can’t do it by yourself, you need to keep reaching out until you find what works for you. be prepared to put some hard work in, but know that i have never, ever regretted getting sober.
be well, OP. pm me if you have any questions.