DNephew keeps attacking my DS

[TortoiseLettuce]

DNephew (3) keeps hitting my DS (11m) in the face with toys. Usually because DS has put his hand out to touch either DNephew or the toy (in some cases it’s DS’s own toy that DNephew is playing with). It’s not just a swing or a general lash out - he’s purposely jabbing the toy horizontally straight into the middle of DS’s face.

We see DNephew and his parents approx every 6 weeks. The issue began when DS became mobile, so the last three visits have been a problem. Today DNephew rammed DS in the face with a 6 inch wide wooden bus using both hands and gave him a nosebleed. The bus belongs to DS - DNephew had taken it off him about an hour previously and was screaming Nonono mine! every time DS tried to touch it. His parents did nothing and I didn’t want to stick my nose in and annoy them by trying to discipline their child, I just distracted DS with a different toy thinking they’ll be gone shortly anyway. But DS wanted his favourite bus so he kept trying to touch it and the culmination was DNephew attacking him. Shortly afterwards DNephew rammed the bus into our sleeping dog’s face too.

SIL’s response was to tell DNephew he had to say sorry. No punishment or discipline. Then she gave him the bus back and tried to minimise his behaviour by saying he usually plays with kids his own age and doesn’t know his own strength. I was furious so I put DS in the car and took him to my parents out of the way.

I’ve told DH I don’t want to see them any more because this behaviour is unacceptable. DH says he can’t stop them visiting, what would he say? He can’t possibly say they’re not welcome because their son is a vicious little shit! And DNephew is only 3 so this is to be expected, if we keep them apart he’ll never learn to behave nicely with DS, he doesn’t want to create a family rift and ruin occasions such as Xmas and birthdays etc. Personally I couldn’t give a flying fart about any of that, I don’t want my child being attacked! Now I don’t know what to say to any of them. Is this normal behaviour?

Tell your DH his family sort it ..
Your child was hurt, if I was you I would pack all toys away prior to a visit and say since DN can't play nice, he can't have any toys.
Also would not put my child down unless I was between them.

The 3yo is behaving at the poor end of normal. They don't really have much impulse control at that age.

Your DH and your ILs are behaving at the shit head end of normal. A spirited (ahem!) 3yo should be actively managed by their parents to prevent them hurting a baby. Your DH ought to be able to tell his family to manage their child.

Your options:

1. Go nuclear on the ILs. Potentially everyone is pissed off at you.
2. Coincidentally arrange to be elsewhere every time they visit
3. Playpen for your DS when they visit.

Hope your mortified with this post when your son becomes a toddler and hits another child.
3yo nephews behavior is obviously unacceptable and needs parenting by you if his parents are rubbish.
Just take the bus back off nephew and distract. Hover over them and intervene before it gets to the point of nephew lashing out.
But, you don't have to hang out with them if it's too much bother. Maybe call the parents out on it too.

Why would she be mortified? The kids behaviour isn't ok.and more importantly, he isn't being taught that it's not ok. I have 2 small DC, the younger is still firmly in the hitting stage (SIGH) but there is no way in hell he would be hogging a baby's special toy and hurting a dog. Imagine if the dog.had reacted!

Stop visiting DN's family or inviting them to your house. If they ask about it tell them why.

I did put DS in the playpen. He cried because he wanted to be out to play, so SIL lifted him out. How do I explain why he’s in there crying and isn’t allowed out? And if we’re at their house there is no playpen.

I’ve tried not putting him down but he’s wriggly on my lap and cries if I hang onto him, he’s desperate to be on the floor to play with all the toys and the interesting new people. I do follow him around but there only so much I can do - he was on my lap on the floor when DNephew hit him with the bus.

DH will be really annoyed if I avoid them repeatedly and keep DS away. Not least because they’ll ask questions about where we are and he won’t know what to say.

Well then it's a simple choice between upsetting your husband or letting your child get hurt. Toughen up. If he gets annoyed, get more annoyed that he won't look out for his own baby.

yes it is normal DS was awful at 3 was a stressful time hovering when we went anywhere.
The first time he met a good friend (when they were 3) the friend hit him in the head with a helicopter.

He is a perfectly delightful 6 year old now

Your SIL is partly right - he is used to children his own age for whom this is a normal stage. But you are also right its unacceptable for him to do it to your son. Your DH is right though with his approach and maybe working out a way to play together through this stage.

Because there is a chance in 3 years time he could terrorise his own cousin!

I’m shocked your SIL didn’t react with horror when her son gave yours a nosebleed. My not yet 2 year old DD doesn’t understand all the time that she needs to be gentle with her younger cousin but she knows not to hit/smack. And if she hurt DNiece she would be appropriately told off. Your SIL and BIL need to do some parenting.

Stayawayfromitsmouth my child would be told that he either shares nicely or the toy will be removed. I wouldn’t put up with him taking another child’s toy for hours and screaming Nono mine! when the owner reaches for it. And he would have been disciplined for attacking a baby, not just told to say sorry after he’d done it multiple times and then handed the toy back.

I would sit next to your son for the duration of the visit and not leave his side so that if your nephew goes to whack your son in the face with a toy again then you can grab the toy/ as as a physical barrier. If in-laws don’t like it then tough. You have every right to protect your son from this. Every time he goes to do it look him firmly in the eye “no you do not do that. that is not nice”. If your SIL isn’t prepared to do anything to stop it from happening then she can’t complain if you do. What if he hit your son in the eye? Leave a scar? He could really hurt him especially as he is so little. I would not like that at all and would be dreading the visits tbh.

Hiding favourite toys when young guests visit is one of the first rules of parenting. Next time hide the favourite bus.

Your choices imo are

1. Your dh needs to see his family without ds there. While he's right that 3yo can be pita, your son needs protecting for a while. He can phrase it as "The kids not getting along" rather than "You won't discipline your kid so we could be stuck in this situation for ages"

1. One of you hangs out with the adults, the other watches the kids. 3yo can be really fast so you won't stop all attacks but can get ds out if the way if necessary.

1. You and your h toughen up and speak up when ds is hurt. You can't discipline nephew but you can tell him that hitting is unkind or whatever. If you're lucky they won't want to hang out as much. When ds is old enough to hit back, will they sit there awkwardly or do you think that they'll expect you to discipline? I bet not.

1. You cut down ds being at these gatherings to once every 3-4 months + Having a cousin is great but it's not fair on your son if nephew gets away with such behaviour.

Ok so it sounds like this is fairly normal behaviour for a 3yo (I don’t know, I’ve never had one). But the lack of discipline and parenting is not normal.

I bet the SIL wouldn’t be so relaxed about the situation if it was the other way around..

It's not up to you and your h to teach nephew how to behave. Your h is grossly overestimating his role in nephew's life if he really thinks that.

Saying sorry is the most pointless form of consequence for a 3yo child. It's just a word and feeling remorse is too abstract for them to understand. SIL should tell your son that she is sorry that her son hit him so that your son gets the sympathy and nephew sees his mum model this behaviour but he needed a more appropriate consequence that definitely isn't the bus being given back immediately!

southernetter DS was on my lap on the floor. He reached for the bus and DNephew lifted it up out of reach and screamed Nonono! And DS reached up for it so DNephew jabbed it into his face. I literally couldn’t have been any closer, I don’t see how I can stop him doing it unless I keep them completely apart?

If your child is getting hurt there’s no reason at all that you can’t step in and tell your nephew firmly but calmly ‘no, that’s not kind, no hitting’. If his parents won’t do it then you can. Take the toy away and say something like ‘if you’re going to use it to hit then it has to go away’. Equally if your son wants something that nephew has or vice versa then say something like ‘we have to share so in a minute it will be their turn and we’ll swap’ etc. I’m afraid you’ll just have to hover over them. I totally understand that it’s awful when your baby gets hurt but it IS pretty normal toddler behaviour and your own son will probably do it too when he’s bigger (however much everyone thinks their pfb won’t put a foot wrong, they all do). His parents should totally be intervening so I’m not condoning that but try not to get too annoyed at the 3 year old (I know that’s hard when your ds is getting whacked). I wouldn’t refuse to see them and create a family rift, just start speaking up and intervening and it may prompt the parents into doing a bit more to prevent it. Also tell your dh to share the load in supervising the play with stepping in as well if hitting it occurs.

Its difficult to discipline when it is a matter of impulse control and emotional behaviour that children learn between the ages of 3.5 to 4.5. It will be a short lived phase but one that is very difficult to live through

If phased correctly and nicely both sets might find longer time between meet up the best way forward - and really should only be for a few months anyway before he outgrows it

Yes 3 is a difficult age and it's not uncommon they get possessive and lash out but I don't think the problem is your nephew. It's his parents reaction that isn't on.

I would reduce the visits for now until your Lo is a bit bigger.
Pack away any favourite toys that might attract both of them.
If your in laws aren't going to speak up then you can. Tell nephew he mustn't hit, remove a toy if it gets to much, even stating 'if we can't play nicely I'll pack this toy away'.
Be gentle but firm, you can't discipline someone else's child but you can guide them.

Does your husband realise how your nephew is or is he just hearing about it afterwards because his talking to family. I'd ask him to really watch what happens so he can help you work out how best to protect your child.

Quartz2208 it is my experience that children need some firm guidance during this phase to teach them it needs to be outgrown, something that appears sorely lacking here. Why would he learn to control his impulses if there is no consequence to lashing out other than getting what he wants?

I bet the SIL wouldn’t be so relaxed about the situation if it was the other way around.. Agreed. Which is why you need to speak up and hang the consequences.

goldengummybear I don’t think it is our role to teach DNephew how to behave. But DH thinks they’ll eventually learn to play nicely together and that won’t happen if we keep them apart. Personally I think DNephew needs to learn to behave and his parents need to learn to discipline him before he’s allowed to play with DS again.

I agree that saying sorry is stupid. At first he said no, then he said hello because I don’t think he understood what he was being told to do. I’d have expected maybe a time out and the bus being taken away. Clearly they aren’t ever going to discipline him though.

I don’t think there is much more than you can do other than to stay close to them and try your best to stop your son getting hit - unless you stop the visits but I agree with what someone else has said in that course of action would probably cause bad feeling within the family. Would it be possible to reduce the visits though until your nephew is a little older? FWIW I’ve been in this situation before although it was more niece and nephew trying to pick up my baby, treat him like toy doll and DN could lash out at times so I ended up hovering next to DS to try and avoid any disasters from happening. I used to absolutely dread the visits. It didn’t last long though and now they are a bit older and that phase has thankfully gone. I hope you find a resolution to this that works for you

Does your h really think that a break (say 6m) is really going to harm the chances of them getting along? Continuing as you are doing now could result in your son being scared of nephew.

3yo can be too rough and have no clue how much stronger they are than little ones. They may be too inexperienced to realise that they can't sort out problems with a younger child in the same way as they can with the same aged peers at nursery. I also understand that as a first time mother a 3yo is absolutely massive compared to a 1yo but they are still learning the rules of behaviour and get better if you guide them right. Hopefully SIL was ineffective because she had you and your h as an audience. Some people are better at discipline when they are at home.

Tbh I don’t think it’s appropriate to behave in that way with a same age peer at nursery either. I’d be equally annoyed if DS was 3yo and had his own bus smashed into his face till his nose bled.

Of course bashing a car to create a nosebleed isn't ok but when adults aren't directly supervising (because they are at nursery and there's lots of kids spread about everywhere) then I can imagine unsociable behaviour like grabbing occurring. Obviously there are better strategies that the adults like parents should be teaching like using words rather than force or getting an adult involved but going to nursery etc is about learning this stuff before school starts and the playgrounds are even less supervised by adults. Your nephew behaved badly and needs to be disciplined and/or separated from your ds for his protection but unfortunately it's not unheard of behaviour for a 3yo to lash out physically.