Really worried about Daughter.

[Tweenhelpplease]

My 12 year old DD is in year 7 and up until quite recently has really been thriving at high school and very happy. We have had a few issues with her phone, never off it, but appart from that a normal tween.

She has what I would class quite a colourful bunch of friends, some studious and very responsible, others creative and funny some seem to be in trouble a lot and have a lot of drama surrounding them. She is definitely in the middle and I have always encouraged her to be friends with everyone and as long as she is kind, respectful and happy I don’t have issue with the friends she keeps.

Since around Christmas time last year she has lost her sparkle, lots of grunting instead of words when we speak to her, lack of interest in her hobbies, music and siblings and quite happy to hole herself up in her room on her phone with us always feeling like we are nagging at her constantly to participate in any family time.

Just before Christmas I overheard a phone call that made me check her phone and I was absolutely shocked at what I found, so much bitchiness, swearing and conversations that I would not expect from 11/12 year olds but at the midst of it was my daughter telling anyone who would listen that she was really struggling with an eating disorder, anorexia. This wasn’t just one comment or worry to one friend but lots of different conversations and chats to whoever would listen. To be clear I don’t she isn’t anorexic, she is a slim active girl but she absolutely loves her food, healthy and treats. There had been absolutely no signs of any eating disorders so we were very confused but thought it could possibly be an attention thing.

My husband and I spoke to her at great length, we were very calm and level headed with her, we spoke to her about anorexia and what it was we also obviously wanted her to know that we were and are always there to listen to her. She told us she had been to speak to a few teachers about being unhappy, (which broke my heart) and we talked about what had been discussed and again were very rational and calm about it

(On a side note we haven’t heard anything from the school even though we know there have been a few practices put into place with regards to her eating, which seemed ludicrous to me!!)

We also decided that she would have a lot less time on her phone as the chat, arguments, bitchiness was constant and exhausting to read, never mind having them constantly bleeping through!!

All seemed to be going along fine until I found out today via another parent that she has now been apparently cutting herself and again been talking to lots of people about it and also taking pictures to show round! I was absolutely beside myself when I found out and I still really don’t know what to do for the best as my DH and I seem to have completely different ways of dealing with it!

Since speaking to her she does have some superficial scratches on her wrist which obviously is terrible and really sad but I truly don’t believe she would ever hurt herself badly or is doing if for anymore than the attention of some kind of cool status thing as she has since told us that there are few girls in her year doing the same thing. On the other hand though don’t want to to trivialise it in case there is really some deep rooted problem that we need to get to the bottom off!

I guess I’m just looking for a bit advice on how best to handle it from here on out and also how to approach the school about it as we have a meeting tomorrow.

I’m finding it really hard to feel anything but anger towards her, which I’m obviously keeping to myself. She has a lovely home life and a really strong and supportive network, I know mental health can affect anyone but I’m finding it hard to believe and that it’s anything more than attention and something to brag about her friends about when people really struggle from these issues...

I should add she has also told a few of her friends that myself and DH had split up and we would probably be getting a divorce, again absolutely not true!

Do we go in strict and cross with her for lies and attention seeking or do we tread gently in case she really does need the support.

Help.

I don’t have teenage aged children, mine are still a lot younger, but I think you’re dealing with it really well by staying so calm. Can you remove the phone and restrict internet access for a few weeks? I’m sure it wouldn’t go down well, but she might find it freeing after a while.

Also, I think it would be fair to be firm about the lies, that’s not acceptable and even if she is struggling with her MH, she needs to understand that her lies will affect others.

Tread gently for now. Go into school and have an honest, open discussion with the pastoral care team. Ask for their advice and guidance and how they suggest you proceed. Ask if you have any local charities who offer support. I work for a charity which offers emotional regulation courses to adolescents (in conjunction with CAMHS) as well as one to one and family work, courses, groups etc.

I'd be taking her phone away from her whilst at home and limiting screen access to in a family room.

What 'practices' have been put in place at school to regulate her eating? They certainly seem to have noticed something to have taken that action.

I'm sorry she (and you) are going through this, it could be as innocuous as a tweenage attention seeking rebellious phase, or it could be the first signs of something like borderline personality disorder. Of course, far too early to jump to.

I'd tread carefully, mental health often doesn't care how well provided for someone is, or how lovely their upbringing has been, it just is.

It sounds like she is attention seeking tbh. I had an eating disorder for years, I would never have told anyone, to this day no one knows. I can't say for the self harm, I've never experienced it but I doubt people that seriously self harm do it and then send pics to people.

I would go talk to the school and see if they will tell you what has been discussed.

Year 7 is generally bloody awful. Lots of kids trying to impress lots of other kids that they’ve only just met. The most important thing is to be popular/noticed etc. Insecure hormonal hell!!! Sounds like She’s struggling to find acceptance and feels uncomfortable. All attention is good attention and all that. She just needs to talk, and it doesn’t come easy. I have to say regular car journeys, where we just chat, sing to the radio, and chat works for us

Thanks all!

I have hear year 7 is quite the turning point for a lot of things, I was expecting changes and a few issues but nothing like this!!

Insomnibrat They have said she can eat her lunch in a separate room away from the other children, they have also encouraged her to attend meeting and discussions with various teachers, we aren’t sure if the school are duty bound to to keep everything confidential or if we are a bit miffed that no one has contacted us with concerns...

It does worry me with that we or she might be under some kind of watch, especially with her making up that we had split up, what else could she be saying? She has two younger siblings and it breaks my heart that for a bit of attention we might be subject to any investigation.

I rarely post but logged in just to respond to this. Your 12 year old child is hurting, her behaviour shows that, and instead of compassion, you are worried about what people will think and whether your younger children will be "investigated"
That's the least of your concerns, your priority needs to be to open communication with your daughter, not punish her and silence her..

changedtempforprivacy

I think you have read me last post and made a snap judgment. Yes I’m concerned about how her actions will affect her siblings but if you had time to read my previous post also extremely worried about how she is hurting and what she is processing.

We talk a lot, which makes the whole thing even more confusing but any emotion I’m feeling and expressing comes from a place of absolute love for all 3 children.

I think you are in denial. Regardless of whether you think your daughter "should" be OK, she obviously is not. This is the start of the time when family starts to be less important and friends much more so, but when you still absolutely need to be there for her.

She feels the need for attention, whether you think she should or not. How are you going to help her? If you are having trouble coming to terms with this, be led by the school, go in with an open mind and find a way you can help.

Yes, that love comes across in your previous posts but your last post concerns me. If your family is being scrutinised that's ok, you will get through it, but please don't try to minimse what your daughter is going through.

You are not always with her, and as you know from the phone conversations you have read, don't know everything that she goes through.
I don't think being angry with her or punishing her for lying is constructive - she needs to be able to continue to confide in you, I do feel for what you are going through, but clearly she needs your support. I hope the school can offer you some guidance.
I'd also suggest you look into emotional regulation techniques,
This book has an excellent chapter in what someone who feels an urge to self harm can do to communicate their distress in other ways..like snapping an elastic band or drawing in red on their arms.

This is a book I have found very helpful in engaging with a young relative of mine who was suffering...

www.amazon.co.uk/dp/1572245131/ref=asc_df_157224513158353556/?hvlocphy=1007030&linkCode=df0&hvptwo&psc=1&hvnetw=g&hvadid=310805565966&creative=22110&hvpone&hvlocint&creativeASIN=1572245131&th=1&hvpos=1o1&hvdev=m&hvdvcmdl&hvqmt&tag=mumsnetforum-21&hvtargid=pla-437102392715&hvrand=16505566816310946859

i would let her know the full wrath of how pissed off this makes me.
probably NOT the 2019 way of approaching it but i would not hold back my gut instincts.
in my view, it brings it all out in the open, all the cards on the table. we are in this together this is our family and XYZ will not be tolerated.
i've had 3 teens (all grown up now) and i was not the tread calmly type, but i helped them endlessly and loved them dearly and they knew this. i suppose part of my firm boundaries.
in my experience their coping techniques (cutting/vomitting etc.) are not effective long term, hence need nipping in the bud, and better techniques instituted right away.

Thanks budgetneeded although I haven’t let her know how cross I am, that’s always how I have tackled things before, right in full force to get to the root of the problem and sort it out but this feels a little out of my depth and I’m terribly worried I will make a mistake.

I hate the term ‘attention seeking’
Turn it around, your child is seeking attention.

She is trying to get it from all the wrong places but she is obviously looking for something.

Puberty is hard and she is obviously finding something tough.

I would spend some more time with her, my mam used to take me for a drive through Macdonlds once a week when I was having s tough time and there was something about the drive and the sitting in the car seats next to each other but not looking at each other that really helped with talking.

I’m not sure I would go to the school yet.

I don’t think this is about you or her OP, I think this is about her peer group. That’s who she’s after the attention from, she’s obviously not feeling part of the group or fitting in if she’s feeling the need to get attention this way. Is there any particular friendships you could encourage?

I have to agree with PP. it sounds like she desperately wants attention from her friends.

You said she was telling anyone who would listen about being anorexic and showing pictures of herself self harming.

If she's part of a big group of 'friends' then she is probably feeling invisible, especially if she's not the loud or bitchy type and will do anything to fit in.

I'm not sure how you proceed but I think she likely needs her self esteem and confidence boosting

You need to be really stricwjth this. If you see this from another's perspective, she is basically yryingnto worry the fuck out of everyone. Anyone who's a good decent friend d will be worrying a lot about her. I've seen this going on in school to the point where the friendship group is so in sensed and upset that if she doesn't come in a for a day they're all in bits terrified she's killed herself! It has to stop, and she will get very short shrift from others parents when they see through it all and stands to be shamed and completely deserted if any of these friends start expression their worries to the school. It really is emotional blackmail, and she needs to understand this, its highly manipulative.

I don't think you have to be angry with her at all,but simply lay it out thats what it is and its cruel to worry others like this. Ishe needs to know she can bring issues to you, but this has to stop before it really blows up in her face.

Even if your daughter is "just attention seeking", to go to such lengths to do it still signifies a serious problem.

Year 7 is the pits for girls. Is it a single or mixed sex school?
I would treat this seriously and engage with the schools as partners. Your daughter is struggling and trying to make sense of her feelings, her place in the school hierarchy and in the world. What can you collectively do to help and to communicate effectively?
I would consider a phone ban after 7pm at least. Does she have a long journey where she could be googling or looking at Instagram?
I see why you'd be tempted to get mad too but I wouldn't - you don't yet know what you're dealing with. This could be normal teenage angst or the start of a longer journey of MH issues. How you react now will set the pattern.
From what I see, year 7 and 8 are bad but things quickly calm down towards the end of year 8 and into year 9. That might be just my experience though!
Hang in there.

OP I am sorry to hear this. "Do we go in strict and cross with her for lies and attention seeking or do we tread gently in case she really does need the support."

I'd tread gently in case she really does need the support.

I have a teenage child with mental health issues who has done some small self harm things and it is all very frightening and stressful. So I would seek some professional help.

Totally agree with ShowOfHands "Tread gently for now. Go into school and have an honest, open discussion with the pastoral care team. Ask for their advice and guidance and how they suggest you proceed. Ask if you have any local charities who offer support."

I would think of attention seeking as attention needing I think I heard that on the moral maze yesterday and I think it is a good phrase.

I encourage your child to get some help.

Agree with DuffBeer "... it sounds like she desperately wants attention from her friends."

The embarrassment she may feel when you and dh do not split up etc may help her to realize lies aren't the way to go. Be gentle with her, but firm, and make sure she always has a way back to you.

I've known a few people with eating disorders. It's awful and very scary for some. One of the things that happens with people with eating disorders is they get very good at disguising it.

I hope she is fine and will settle down, but please, please, build bridges and don't burn them down. Whatever is going on, IMHO, ultra strict doesn't work because what you need to do now (as a teen) is reinforce the good relationship you have, set good boundaries, keep talking, and encourage her to grown into a lovely adult who can think for herself.

Ultra strict doesn't enable that, IMHO, and alienates teens at a time when they really need to know you are on their side.

I know she is not a teen yet, but will be quite soon!

My dd now 13 went through a similar thing last year in year 7. She was also self harming. Came out of the blue as she was so happy in year 6. She was seen by CAHMS etc and then in the summer she broke away from a ‘friend’ who seemed to be thriving on my dds situation and now hangs out with a different set of girls. The change in her is amazing. She’s happier and these issues left when the girl left.

I could have written this about my daughter who is now full blown anorexic with various other mental health conditions.

Please take it seriously and seek help. Happy to talk by pm if it helps.