My 12 year old DD is in year 7 and up until quite recently has really been thriving at high school and very happy. We have had a few issues with her phone, never off it, but appart from that a normal tween.
She has what I would class quite a colourful bunch of friends, some studious and very responsible, others creative and funny some seem to be in trouble a lot and have a lot of drama surrounding them. She is definitely in the middle and I have always encouraged her to be friends with everyone and as long as she is kind, respectful and happy I don’t have issue with the friends she keeps.
Since around Christmas time last year she has lost her sparkle, lots of grunting instead of words when we speak to her, lack of interest in her hobbies, music and siblings and quite happy to hole herself up in her room on her phone with us always feeling like we are nagging at her constantly to participate in any family time.
Just before Christmas I overheard a phone call that made me check her phone and I was absolutely shocked at what I found, so much bitchiness, swearing and conversations that I would not expect from 11/12 year olds but at the midst of it was my daughter telling anyone who would listen that she was really struggling with an eating disorder, anorexia. This wasn’t just one comment or worry to one friend but lots of different conversations and chats to whoever would listen. To be clear I don’t she isn’t anorexic, she is a slim active girl but she absolutely loves her food, healthy and treats. There had been absolutely no signs of any eating disorders so we were very confused but thought it could possibly be an attention thing.
My husband and I spoke to her at great length, we were very calm and level headed with her, we spoke to her about anorexia and what it was we also obviously wanted her to know that we were and are always there to listen to her. She told us she had been to speak to a few teachers about being unhappy, (which broke my heart) and we talked about what had been discussed and again were very rational and calm about it
(On a side note we haven’t heard anything from the school even though we know there have been a few practices put into place with regards to her eating, which seemed ludicrous to me!!)
We also decided that she would have a lot less time on her phone as the chat, arguments, bitchiness was constant and exhausting to read, never mind having them constantly bleeping through!!
All seemed to be going along fine until I found out today via another parent that she has now been apparently cutting herself and again been talking to lots of people about it and also taking pictures to show round! I was absolutely beside myself when I found out and I still really don’t know what to do for the best as my DH and I seem to have completely different ways of dealing with it!
Since speaking to her she does have some superficial scratches on her wrist which obviously is terrible and really sad but I truly don’t believe she would ever hurt herself badly or is doing if for anymore than the attention of some kind of cool status thing as she has since told us that there are few girls in her year doing the same thing. On the other hand though don’t want to to trivialise it in case there is really some deep rooted problem that we need to get to the bottom off!
I guess I’m just looking for a bit advice on how best to handle it from here on out and also how to approach the school about it as we have a meeting tomorrow.
I’m finding it really hard to feel anything but anger towards her, which I’m obviously keeping to myself. She has a lovely home life and a really strong and supportive network, I know mental health can affect anyone but I’m finding it hard to believe and that it’s anything more than attention and something to brag about her friends about when people really struggle from these issues...
I should add she has also told a few of her friends that myself and DH had split up and we would probably be getting a divorce, again absolutely not true!
Do we go in strict and cross with her for lies and attention seeking or do we tread gently in case she really does need the support.
Help.