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Original poster

Wwyd about this? (Boy at dds school behaving inappropriately)

50 replies

BastardGoDarkly · 06/02/2019 18:48

It started off as low level annoying (both age 7 btw).
Then every day, waiting for her to get off the bus, chasing her, hassling her in Lego club at lunch etc.
She seemed to be talking about what he'd done every day, so I said I'd speak to her teacher.
The very next day (I hadn't spoken to teacher by then) she came home, and said he'd put his hands down his pants and then rubbed his hands on her face.
She was understandably upset, and I went in the next morning and spoke to TA (teacher not there yet)
He seemed to take it seriously, and I was reassured.

This was around 3 weeks ago.

All quiet for around 2 weeks, then it started up again, low level harassment.

So today. I got a phone call, to say he had touched her inappropriately (her vagina, over her clothes)

She had told the teacher, and he had been taken to head.

They tried to reassure me it was being dealt with most seriously.

Dd is fine, just indignant and cross.

I feel like I need to talk to the head myself.

Is it unreasonable to ask he's kept away from her at ALL times?

How would you all handle this?

OP posts:
TokyoSushi · 06/02/2019 18:49

That's dreadful, I think you're right in wanting to speak to the head yourself, I think you probably need to come up with a solution together.

Your poor DD, completely unacceptable.

Original poster
BastardGoDarkly · 06/02/2019 18:50

Also, he was kept in every break today, for repeatedly going into the girls toilets.

And he's actually licked a couple of the girls shoes while on carpet time.

If it's relevant, it seems to be adding up to disturbing behaviour to me.

OP posts:
Kismetjayn · 06/02/2019 18:52

I'd be worried for the little boy. Are the school investigating?

And your poor DD. I'm so glad she has a mother who is taking this seriously- the best example you can give her to show this shouldn't be happening x

mbosnz · 06/02/2019 18:55

I'd be asking the school for specifics as to how they were going to ensure my daughter was not the subject of further similar incidents of assault and harassment. I'd be asking what they would be doing if that was unsuccessful.

I'd be making it clear that I felt it was important that this boy was being educated that his behaviour was inappropriate and that it had consequences for him.

I'd be making firm dates for follow-up with the school, when we discussed whether what they were doing was working, and if not, discussing what was happening next.

I'd be making it quite clear, that whatever they thought their options were, the one that was NOT on the table, was my daughter enduring further harassment and assault, and us just going away and putting up with it.

I'd be praising the hell out of my daughter, for her strength and bravery in bringing it to me, and the school, and giving us the chance to use the processes and procedures to make it work. I'd be giving myself a pat on the back that my daughter felt safe bringing this to me and confident that I'd be on team daughter and help try and find a solution/keep her safe.

Dragongirl10 · 06/02/2019 18:58

I would show her how to discretely stamp hard on his foot...

And l would go to see the Head to get a plan in place to protect her (and the other Girls)

Mistressiggi · 06/02/2019 18:58

There should be some kind of risk assessment carried out for the boy as one of the steps to protect his classmates. I would want a meeting with the head and I’m surprised they haven’t offered.

Kismetjayn · 06/02/2019 19:01

If he's so focussed on this- there's every chance he's being abused himself. He needs the assessment and possibly SS involvement for his own well-being too.

Original poster
BastardGoDarkly · 06/02/2019 19:06

The phone call I got, was from her class teacher. Dd had left on the bus for home, so hadn't arrived yet.

Dd had also told Ds (he's 11) and he pushed the boy over while in school Confused

This boy is new to the school, so yes, I'm concerned for him too, this will probably be all over school by tomorrow lunch time.

I'll phone the head in the morning, and see what she's done/Will do to keep dd safe from now on.

Can they practically keep them apart at all times though?

OP posts:
GiantKitten · 06/02/2019 19:09

Sounds as if he needs a full-time 1-1 TA (in which case yes, he can be kept away from other kids)

jessstan2 · 06/02/2019 19:10

You and your daughter are really great, handling it well but what on earth is wrong with a little seven year old boy behaving like that? I hope the school are dealing with him properly, protecting other kids and giving him help. Keep an eye on the situation, it's so yeuch.

mbosnz · 06/02/2019 19:10

Given that it sounds like your daughter is not the sole target, it could be fun and games for the school. But that's why you talk to the school about what they perceive their options and choices to be. And ensure that you pencil in follow up sessions as to whether their actions to attempt to address the situation are having some success.

MitziK · 06/02/2019 19:29

Sounds like a massive Safeguarding operation will be swinging into action, as it's very possible he has been the victim of sexual abuse himself. Not that it's appropriate to try and find out, but he could easily be a Looked After Child and has joined the school for precisely that reason - to separate him from an abuser.

Whilst I'm not in the slightest bit surprised (and wouldn't criticise for a moment) that your DS has flattened him, it would be better if you explain that he really shouldn't do it again - but it's fine to keep an eye on his sister or tell a supervisor/teacher immediately if he sees something happening.

The child still has a right to privacy, so discussing it with other parents, thanks to the wonders of social media, could mean that an abuser is able to track down their victim (and put the child and carers/an escaping parent at huge risk).

Even though the best case in your view is for him not to be around your child (I understand that completely, too), sometimes it's better that a school is able to put help into place for a child with sexualised behaviour, rather than move them on to another school where it just happens again and again in the next one, as that ends up with a child who never has their behaviour treated/changed before adulthood.

Somethingsmellsnice · 06/02/2019 19:41

Make sure that they know about the earlier incident too ie. that the TA had passed this on to.

Also be aware that under safeguarding rules they will not be able to tell you anything or how they are dealing with the boy but they should be able to tell you how they intend to protect your daughter.

PinguDance · 06/02/2019 19:45

Oh gosh - this will have set all sorts of alarm bells ringing, I’d speak to the school but be aware they might not be able to tell you much, child protection ought to be all over it but will be able to reveal nothing.

PinguDance · 06/02/2019 19:53

If you go in with mbosnz list of qs I think you will be politely palmed off though - they can’t discuss half those things with you. I don’t think it’s unreasonable to ask that your daughter be kept away from this boy but they can hardly discuss the ins and outs of how they’re dealing with him. It will probably involve social services.

Original poster
BastardGoDarkly · 07/02/2019 00:56

Yes, you're right, they probably won't say much regarding the boy.

I'm honestly not angry with him either, and in no way want his 'head on a plate ' I'm angry with the school.
I've been in, spoke to them about his concerning behaviour, and in my mind, they haven't done enough, now this.
I don't want them left in any doubt that I won't make her tolerate him in close proximity with her, why should she?

Thanks all, for your advice, it's really helped.

I'll update tomorrow after I've seen the head.

OP posts:
Mummytumm · 07/02/2019 02:43

Please be reassured that, if the school are dealing with this as required by law, they will be treating this with the utmost urgency and involving the relevant agencies.

This behaviour is not 'normal' 7 year old 'naughtiness', it is most definitely either signs of abuse or exposure to adult sexual behaviour.

If the boy is returned to class then I, as a class teacher, would be discussing the safety of other pupils with the headteacher and insist on another adult being in the room with me at all times and would watch him like a hawk.

Original poster
BastardGoDarkly · 07/02/2019 10:28

Ok. So that was weird.

I phoned and asked her for a meeting at the earliest opportunity.
9.30

I went in, and she said... oh better grab my notepad, looks like I might need it.. Hmm

She didn't seem aware of any of the previous behaviour. That the first she'd heard about any of it, was yesterday's incident, which she 'hadn't had chance' to go over with, with the class teacher.

So, she made all the right noises... Yes, of course....well, absolutely.....totally understandable... were said A LOT.

She outlined plans to keep them apart at times like arrivibg/leaving school, in and out for or etc. But said she'd have to think of something for breaks and lunch.

Also, when I made it clear I thought a 7 year old boy expressing such sexual behaviour, was disturbing. She said... Yes, I think I'll get mum in...

I'm left a bit... HmmConfusedHmm

OP posts:
Kismetjayn · 07/02/2019 10:37

I'd be really concerned. Not surprised you're Hmm over it!

Tbh, if it was me, I'd make a call to your local children's services. It doesn't sound like the school are doing much. If they are, no harm done, just more perspectives to add to the case. If they aren't, it will push the school along and get the boy the help he needs.

Original poster
BastardGoDarkly · 07/02/2019 10:39

Do you really think so Kismet ?

OP posts:
StormTreader · 07/02/2019 10:47

I agree with @Kismet, this does sound unusual and a report can't hurt. If there really is something going on in his life then it's the best thing you can do for him and for your DD.

Kismetjayn · 07/02/2019 10:48

I absolutely do.
Always better safe than sorry with kids. I wish someone had reported their concerns about me when I was little!

I reported to our services about a little boy who was scared of his mum at a playgroup- they supported her back into work, with his dad picking up primary care. The little boy was unbelievably more comfortable and happt. It's not about separating families but making sure everyone gets the help they need. And this boy's sexualised behaviour is often symptomatic of abuse. It needs intervention now.

Original poster
BastardGoDarkly · 07/02/2019 10:50

It seems a big step, and as if I'm interfering in the schools procedures though:?

But I guess you're right.

Who do I call?

OP posts:
Blobby10 · 07/02/2019 10:52

What other response would you have expected OP ? If she didn't have any knowledge of the additional information you provided then she would presumably have had to follow certain procedures to investigate before coming back to you? I don't work in a school but have some management experience and would never to commit myself by saying doing anything (other than what you experienced ) in an initial meeting without gathering all the evidence myself.

Kismetjayn · 07/02/2019 10:57

You're not. They should already have a file that you are adding to. Some outside agency needs to know.

It sticks with me that one teacher later told me she suspected what was going on for me, but didn't report because I 'didnt seem to want to open up about it'. If she had, things could have been so different.

Google children's services in your local area :)