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Original poster

Dh 'why do you want to start an argument?'

53 replies

YouthMarket · 05/02/2019 23:14

Every time I express an opinion that's different from his or means any changes, he says this.

Why? It's infuriating.

OP posts:

MyKingdomForBrie · 05/02/2019 23:16

Because he's a pathetic egotistical and insecure individual I would suggest.

Original poster

YouthMarket · 05/02/2019 23:22

It does mean it's hard to suggest anything. My views are always second to his.

OP posts:

bastardkitty · 05/02/2019 23:23

It's a projection. 'If you're going to say that thing I don't want you to say there's going to be an argument and I'm getting my blame in nice and early to shut you up'

Zofloramummy · 05/02/2019 23:26

That says to me 3 things -

he is unwilling to compromise
he thinks he is always right
he is unable to perceive of any other forms of communication other than an argument

Does this man manage to hold down a job and have friends or is he just this much of an arse to you?

FacingUp · 05/02/2019 23:27

He says it to shut you up because he doesn’t care what you think. Only what he thinks matters.

Original poster

YouthMarket · 05/02/2019 23:30

He has a job. It's senior job, much better pay than mine as I've worked round the dc and done the vast majority of child care/ admin.

He doesn't have many friends, one or two he sees occasionally. Not close to his family really either.

OP posts:

JaesseJexaMaipru · 05/02/2019 23:31

He means that the act of disagreeing with him can only mean that you want an argument because clearly his opinion is always correct and he has nothing to learn from you. Your opinions are useless and you ought to agree with him in everything.

In short: he us an arse.

When a man tells you who he is: listen. Believe him.

This is not a nice man.

Original poster

YouthMarket · 05/02/2019 23:33

facing I've always felt it's like saying 'shut up'

I hate it. Of course I don't want to start an argument. I just want to have some say in family decisions.

His work is v important to him, he works a lot. He says its just for us though.

OP posts:

Original poster

YouthMarket · 05/02/2019 23:38

It does feel like how I feel is not important to him.

OP posts:

PyongyangKipperbang · 05/02/2019 23:40

Translation "Just do as you are told by me, the only person who's opinion actually matters"

aurynne · 06/02/2019 03:23

Answer: "I don't understand... do you start an argument with everyone who simply disagrees with you?"

brizzledrizzle · 06/02/2019 05:09

I'd seriously have to leave the self important, thinks he's gods gift to women, bastard.

Original poster

YouthMarket · 06/02/2019 05:41

auryone it does feel like that.
This thread is helping to validate the feeling of frustration and not being able to discuss anything properly. Everything does feel like an argument if we disagree.
He doesn't care if I'm unhappy with a decision.

OP posts:

OhWhatFuckeryIsThisNow · 06/02/2019 06:21

When you say family matters, that means money?
Your opinion matters not to him.

Original poster

YouthMarket · 06/02/2019 06:28

ohwhatfuckery it often includes money but also things like choosing work, childcare, where to live, number of children to have. I desperately want another child but I know there is no chance of that happening because he doesn't.
I would like to discuss both sides of decisions,calmly.

I know I won't always get what I want. That's marriage, but I'd like to discuss it and be heard.

OP posts:

hettie · 06/02/2019 08:08

Find a couple's therapist (or leave?/

Original poster

YouthMarket · 06/02/2019 08:20

Thanks very much for thoughts. It's always annoyed me so its helpful to hear

OP posts:

BumbleeBeeMe · 06/02/2019 08:43

I say this when I'm tired and I don't want to have an argument. I tend to say 'is this worth having an argument about?'.
For example, we left a bit late because of me and missed the train and my dp made a snappy comment about it being my fault so I asked if he wanted to have an argument about it or wait twenty mins for another train. Sometimes it's just not worth an argument. I'm not trying to shut down his feelings, it's just a lot of effort to have an argument over something stupid.

SnuggyBuggy · 06/02/2019 08:47

I called my husband out on this once. I asked him if I was supposed to just blindly agree with everything he said. It did make him realize he was being a bit of a twat and try to change his behaviour but I guess different people react differently.

museumum · 06/02/2019 08:49

Answer: “I don’t want an argument I want you to value my opinion. Do you really not care at all what I think or feel about our life?”

If he can’t see it then it’s a problem.

sackrifice · 06/02/2019 08:54

I am in a relationship where we just don't argue. We have a discussion about stuff but are mostly on the second page.

If my partner was saying 'why do you want to start an argument' I'd probably say 'i am having a discussion, you are the one arguing. Why do YOU want it to be an argument?'

However I hate arguments so I'd probably have left yonks ago. It is not in my agenda to constantly feel like I have to argue all the time.

PrimeExample · 06/02/2019 09:02

Watching with interest as mine says this sometimes. I answer with “ I don’t want to argue, either, I would like to discuss...” and we go into it, amazingly usually calmly.

For my partner it’s about his fear. He really hates confrontation so things would blow over. I had to explain rationally that we are equals & both deserve to be heard. It’s a major turnaround for me as exh and I would have huge, shouty slanging matches.

Original poster

YouthMarket · 06/02/2019 10:46

I probably don't help as I find talking things through helps with worries and decisions whereas he likes to distract himself and not think about them. Not very compatible!

I feel increasingly rejected by him as he ignores me and I get increasingly upset and try more to get attention. I'm probably needy but we have some big decisions to make and I feel we can not make them without discussion.

But it always ends with him saying why do you want an argument. I try to say I just want a discussion but he says 'no, you want an argument'

I hate confrontation and arguments so find this upsetting.

OP posts:

Shoxfordian · 06/02/2019 11:27

He sounds like he wants to make all the decisions and for you to nod and smile and say yes dear

Tell him it's not the 1950s anymore and that if he doesn't start treating you like an intelligent equal partner in decision making then you're done with his shit

Original poster

YouthMarket · 06/02/2019 11:34

I think its more rooted in not planning and not making any decisions and keeping the status quo.
He does have fears of change I believe.
He can be controlling of financial decisions. Money for him is to be saved apart from on alcohol.

OP posts:

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