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Original poster

Dh 'why do you want to start an argument?'

53 replies

YouthMarket · 05/02/2019 23:14

Every time I express an opinion that's different from his or means any changes, he says this.

Why? It's infuriating.

OP posts:

Singlenotsingle · 06/02/2019 12:09

"It takes two to argue. Just agree with me, and we won't argue".

Original poster

YouthMarket · 06/02/2019 13:03

Single that is spot on.
If I say that, then he always says I choose the wrong time or I go on about things.

I've gone along with this but there is never a good time for him. He's blocking any discussion about anything. It's like I need to be a robot. He's never there when things are tough for me. He doesn't like to hear it.

I was mugged recently and he was unconcerned. Friends were rallying round with hugs, tea and sympathy as I was slightly hurt (knocked on the back) but he said almost nothing.

I know I'm not perfect. I'm a worrier and he says I go on. But I'm generally well liked at work, got lots of friends, close relationship with parents. But when things go bad he's not there to listen.

It's like he's shut down or something. Could there be something going on with him?

OP posts:

HollowTalk · 06/02/2019 13:08

You know that he wouldn't say that at work, don't you? He wouldn't sit in a meeting and say "Why do you want to start an argument?" when someone asked a question or put forward an alternative idea.

He really doesn't sound very nice at all. His reaction to your being mugged is chilling.

Original poster

YouthMarket · 06/02/2019 13:26

He wouldn't say that at work you're right.
I know. Do you think he might be depressed? He is much nicer to the dc. He is so detached to me, his parents and friends.

OP posts:

StormTreader · 06/02/2019 13:35

Don't jump to "depressed/stressed/ill" when it's even more likely that hes just a bit of a self-important knob.
He disrespects you because he can, it doesn't have to be any complex than that.

Original poster

YouthMarket · 06/02/2019 13:52

Yes doesn't seem fair on those suffering with poor mental health.

He is a good father (yes I know !) But he barely engages with me.

OP posts:

Original poster

YouthMarket · 06/02/2019 14:06

I don't think he fancies me either. This isn't going well

OP posts:

HollowTalk · 06/02/2019 14:16

It's nothing to do with depression. If he was depressed and it manifested itself in saying nasty things to people, he wouldn't just be picking on you.

If you think of a life without him in it (or in your home, I mean) does it feel good or bad?

Original poster

YouthMarket · 06/02/2019 16:12

I don't think he cares about me very much. So it makes sense why he views my feelings and opinions as unimportant.
Thanks to everyone. It's really helping me mull it over.
I do want to be with him. I want us to be happier, kinder and more receptive to each other's viewsand working things through as a team.

I feel rejected by him.

OP posts:

Shoxfordian · 06/02/2019 16:33

Why do you love him if he doesn't care about you, or fancy you or care about your opinion? Seriously, what is there to love?

Original poster

YouthMarket · 06/02/2019 16:47

He used to be so kind, funny and interested in the world. He's calm and capable and a good dad. There's still some of that .

OP posts:

Zofloramummy · 06/02/2019 17:03

Are you still intimate? Do you laugh together? Have conversations about things other than what do you want for tea, what’s on the telly etc?

It sounds like he no longer sees you as an individual person.

Original poster

YouthMarket · 06/02/2019 17:06

Yes, thats probably true. He's not interested in my life or views on current affairs etc. In fact he cringes if I have a view on brexit or anything political.

We're intimate if I initiate it. He doesn't even initiate a cuddle.

OP posts:

Zofloramummy · 06/02/2019 17:12

I would suggest you need to find a way to communicate how his behaviour is making you feel. If every time you try to talk to him he is instantly on the offensive and accusing you of wanting an argument then maybe a letter might help?

Sadly this relationship isn’t working for you the way it is now. And that isn’t how you want to live your life. You need to at least open a dialogue about how that can change or if he isn’t willing to work on your relationship then how you can both move on separately.

WhiteVixen · 06/02/2019 17:17

Sounds like he just wants you to be the little wife at home who doesn’t read or think or have any opinions for herself. He is The Man with the Big Job who makes the money and therefore the only one who is qualified to have an opinion or make the decisions.

Fuck that for a game of soldiers. He has no respect for you at all. Do you want to live like this for the next 20, 30, 50 years? Slowly but surely ground down into nothing?

Original poster

YouthMarket · 06/02/2019 17:19

Thank you. I agree. Just writing this has helped me clarify that I do love him. He's not some of the things posters have said.

However this is not working for me at all and I feel so sad and rejected.

I know I deserve and want better than this treatment. I know that I need to learn how to handle it better and not get so upset and needy.

This doesn't feel like a loving relationship where we want the best for each other.

I don't like the dc seeing the total lack of affection. He looks at me with no affection or fondness and almost never laughs. He used to laugh and I miss that.

It's like he's shut down. Friends of ours have commented on it too.

OP posts:

Zofloramummy · 06/02/2019 17:39

He doesn’t have to be a monster for it to be enough for you to be really unhappy. Being starved of affection and not treated with respect is enough to do that. The way he is behaving is changing the way you are reacting. You are unsure if his feelings and therefore appear ‘needy’ as you put it.

This isn’t the version of the man that you fell in love with and had children with. This man is very different than him. Of course you love him, but inguess you don’t like him very much at the moment. And if he isn’t prepared to make some compromises in his attitude and behaviour then you will stop loving him. Because we don’t love people who treat us with coldness and exasperation.

Zofloramummy · 06/02/2019 17:41

It’s worth trying to find out I guess if he has any work, money worries etc? Something that’s triggering his behaviour. But if there is a ‘cause’ it’s still not acceptable to behave this way. There is no excuse for being emotionally unavailable to your life partner and refusing to treat them with respect and care.

Original poster

YouthMarket · 06/02/2019 17:47

I have asked him if anything is wrong. He says not although he hates it when I ask so maybe on some level, he's not happy.

I wish he'd see friends or do a hobby or anything that makes him happy as it feels all on me to help him out of this.

I wonder if he wants to leave me. I don't think there's an OW as I can't see how he'd fit it in, but I have wondered. It feels like that. He's so loving with the dc just not me

OP posts:

Zofloramummy · 06/02/2019 18:00

What does he say when you tell him that you don’t think he cares about you and you are worried about how your relationship has changed?

Original poster

YouthMarket · 06/02/2019 18:03

I'm going to ask him tonight. Thank you so much for your advice.

OP posts:

Zofloramummy · 06/02/2019 18:14

No problem, stay calm tonight and try not to get upset (very hard I know).
Keep it to the point and don’t get into a “but you did this” “well you did that” ping pong situation.
Just explain how you have on here how worried you are about the state of your relationship and how you seem to be drifting in opposite directions.
Try not to be too directly accusatory about how he has been speaking to you because that will set his defense mechanisms up and he won’t hear you.

Hope you update and that things go ok.

spellingtest · 06/02/2019 18:54

I agree with Zoflora. You may need to go very gently though. Rather than coming straight out with questions I would be inclined to take the discussion very slowly.

To me it sounds like he is very stressed and possibly a bit depressed, especially as others have commented on his change in demeanour. However, if he shuts down when you discuss anything (citing a potential argument) then getting him to even slightly acknowledge this could be well nigh impossible.

I wish you luck. It's a horrid situation to be in.

spellingtest · 06/02/2019 18:56

Oh, meant to add. I definitely WOULDNT tell him you've been on here discussing the situation. If he is stressed, depressed or deeply unhappy I can't see he would be thrilled about you sharing something with us. Just a gut instinct.

spellingtest · 06/02/2019 18:57

Ignore that PS. I had misread a comment. Sorry!

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