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Original poster

Am I being PFB?

68 replies

ForeignnessAlert · 04/02/2019 16:42

DS is 9 (with ASD, a bit young for his age). He was sent home from school today for not feeling well, and has just thrown up. We have food for tonight. DH, who only knew he had been sent home, called to see if he could get DS a dessert. I explained how he was etc and said we might need some food if I can't get to the shop tomorrow.
DH asked why I couldn't go to the shop tomorrow.
I said that if DS was still throwing up, I wouldn't be able to take him.
DH said I could leave him at home.
I told him not to be daft and of course I couldn't leave him at home if he was throwing up.
DH hung up on me in exasperation.

Apart from the fact that in all of his past illness bouts this is the first time he has managed to aim and hold the bowl himself, am I being pfb?

OP posts:
Sirzy · 04/02/2019 17:44

I do find it odd you think it’s ok to leave a 9 year old in charge of a 6 year old but won’t leave the same 9 year old alone to nip to the shops!

slappinthebass · 04/02/2019 17:45

I think it's ok to be left briefly at 9 if no better alternative, but there was an alternative here. Sounds like DH was actually in the shop at the time?! Why on earth couldn't he just grab more food while he was there? Did he not want to pay or something?

SleepingStandingUp · 04/02/2019 17:46

So why doesn't aamil do so now?

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Original poster
ForeignnessAlert · 04/02/2019 17:49

Because if my car wouldn't start, or the bridge was blocked it would take me more than 40 minutes to get back. I only leave him if I'm no more than 10 minutes away by foot

OP posts:
Sirzy · 04/02/2019 17:50

I don’t get that logic - what if you fall! What if you get ran over? Your “what ifs” are as illogical as your leaving a 9 year old in charge of a 6 year old!

SoupDragon · 04/02/2019 17:54

Leaving him with a 6 year old is far worse than leaving him home alone whilst throwing up.

Original poster
ForeignnessAlert · 04/02/2019 17:55

If I fall, DH can go home. I don't need to walk on a road to get to parents evening. I can go through the garden.
If I don't make it to pick up DD, then the parent will know something has happened.

OP posts:
JockTamsonsBairns · 04/02/2019 17:55

I don't understand the school's approach at all. Ds1 has had no contact with his father from the age of 4 - would the school have refused to see me on my own? Also, DH often works away, at little notice, so may not be around for parents eve - again, would they not see me alone? I have experience of numerous primary schools, and I've never come across such nonsense.

DragonKiller · 04/02/2019 18:04

OP, didn't you know that all Mumsnet children have to be at least 15 before they can be left home alone for more than 10 minutes?
Seriously though, I'm not sure what sort of school this is but it's definitely not the norm.

maudmoo · 04/02/2019 18:09

Wtf I can’t believe you think it’s ok to leave a 9 year old in charge of a 6 year old. It’s irresponsible and neglectful.

Nine year old on their own for 10 mins probably fine.

I also find it hard believe there isn’t anywhere to leave children in a corridor or hall at parents evening. Or that you would be turned away without your husband. Is it a state school?

Bluntness100 · 04/02/2019 18:14

OP, didn't you know that all Mumsnet children have to be at least 15 before they can be left home alone for more than 10 minutes

Bit of a weird remark considering this is an immature autistic nine year old being left to look after a six year old. And we all know it's not the Getting home that's the issue at this age children should not be left without adult supervison.

Op, I've never heard of any school that will not allow a parent to attend parents night if they are not both there. Plenty of single families, families with parents who work away, disabled parents, even families with guardians like a grandparent or an aunt and no parent.its mind boggling to think your school only has parents nights for two parent families who can both attend. I'd raise that to the school governors, and the local authority

Bestseller · 04/02/2019 18:15

I'm not sure I'd leave any 9yo tbh but certainly not one who is vomiting.

A 9yo definitely can't mind a 6yo

NanooCov · 04/02/2019 18:42

Personally I wouldn't leave a 9 year old on their own for any length of time. Certainly not in charge of a 6 year old. If you know the date of the parents evening sufficiently in advance for your husband to take time off work, that's plenty of time to arrange a babysitter. I'm not really interested in your rationalisation about the neighbour being able to hear etc. It's a load of tosh.

In the case of your husband on this occasion, he's being an arse not to just pick up a few more bits from the supermarket. But given your prior track record of leaving your kids home alone, I'm not surprised he's confused as to what's acceptable and what's not.

NerrSnerr · 04/02/2019 19:06

There must be a large percentage of parents who just don't do parents evening then?

Original poster
ForeignnessAlert · 04/02/2019 19:07

Plenty of single families, families with parents who work away, disabled parents, even families with guardians like a grandparent or an aunt and no parent.its mind boggling to think your school only has parents nights for two parent families who can both attend. I'd raise that to the school governors, and the local authority
Now you're just being deliberately obtuse. If it's a lone parent then by definition all parents are there. Single parents, I assume go together or have separate appointments. I imagine they rearrange for parents who work away, they certainly did the time DH would have been away. If there are no parents then legal guardians must be present.
Obviously we can't rearrange for when MIL can be there else we would have done so. I wouldn't leave them if my neighbour wasn't going to be there. Last time I instigated a spurious technology ban for two days prior so I knew they wouldn't budge from the sofa.

Anyway, that wasn't the question. I'm reassured to hear I'm not being pfb, and DH will have to go to the shop on his way to the train.

OP posts:
42andcounting · 04/02/2019 19:07

I'd be totally stuffed if school insisted on us both being at parents evening - DH is in the military and is away for months on end. As it is, if I can't get an appointment for straight after school with DD playing in the background, I rely on a buddy system with a friend where we try to book consecutive appointments while the other one wrangles the kids in the playground or corridor. Are you based in the UK? It seems a very inflexible approach from the school.

letsdolunch321 · 04/02/2019 19:14

Getting back to the original post ..... I would pop out for food if needed when DH gets home tonight.

I ran this by my dp who said no way would you leave a 9yr old alone to go shopping especially when you or dh could do it tonight.

JockTamsonsBairns · 04/02/2019 20:00

I was just going to say what 42 did. We're in a military area, lots of parents away for months and months - do the school refuse to see forces wives then? Also, my friend's DH is disabled, and couldn't physically get to the school - would she be excluded? I said in my previous post, but Op didn't answer, my DH is very often required to work away at very short notice, and would therefore be unable to attend. Even if it were rearranged, he may well be called away again, so would miss the rearranged slot. Does that mean I could never attend a parents' evening?
So much OFSTED focus nowadays is on school to home communications, I'm quite alarmed that your school continues to forge ahead with this bizarre approach. Certainly, they wouldn't be able to achieve 'Outstanding' status under their current circumstances. Rightly or wrongly, this is what schools are trying so hard to aim for.

Crunchymum · 04/02/2019 20:06

Do you have any proof that the school insist both parents attend parents evening? I simply cannot believe this to be true.

Original poster
ForeignnessAlert · 04/02/2019 20:41

Do you have any proof that the school insist both parents attend parents evening?. Not written, just a verbal refusal to meet with me without DH present.

We're in a military area We're not.

I said in my previous post, but Op didn't answer, my DH is very often required to work away at very short notice, and would therefore be unable to attend. Even if it were rearranged, he may well be called away again, so would miss the rearranged slot. Does that mean I could never attend a parents' evening?
As I said in my previous post I imagine they rearrange for parents who work away, they certainly did the time DH would have been away. As to repeated rearrangements, I imagine they hope to get around this by asking the parents which times they can make in advance. I have no idea, I've only had to rearrange once.

OP posts:
JockTamsonsBairns · 04/02/2019 20:47

Now you're the one being obtuse. I've already said that it's very likely that DH couldn't make the rearranged slot either, as his work overseas is very ad hoc at short notice. Are you actually saying that your school would refuse to see a lone woman in my circumstances?

Original poster
ForeignnessAlert · 04/02/2019 20:54

I've already said "I imagine they rearrange" and "I have no idea" because I've only had to rearrange once. What precisely so you expect me to answer? Should I call tomorrow and say DH has been called away at short notice, then repeat a couple of times so that I can give you a concrete answer?
Just to be clear: I'm not actually going to do that because I would like to find out how my child is doing at school.

OP posts:
Heyha · 04/02/2019 20:56

Are you in UK, OP? I can't think of any reason for a school that would prefer to see NO parents of a child than ONE parent in the UK state sector.

JockTamsonsBairns · 04/02/2019 20:59

I've just been thinking back to a few years ago when ds2 was in YR and Y1, and dd was still in nursery. DH worked normal office hours, 9-5, and I worked evenings - I'd be waiting at the door for dh getting home, and we'd be like passing ships. So, for the first two years of my son's school life, your school would have refused to see either of his parents, simply because we were unable to attend together? That's utterly appalling.

whatsnewchoochoo · 04/02/2019 21:31

Surely you can see why your husband is confused. No I wouldn't leave a vomiting 9 year old to get food but I'm much more likely to do that than leave him with a 6 year old while I go to parents evening. So you see why he thinks it's not a big deal?

(As it happens I think he's being an arse, why he couldn't just say "ok" and pick up a meal is beyond me)

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